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<title>I fell in love with the devil || The Walking Dead Musical Fanfiction by IHadaDreamLastNight235</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27668612">I fell in love with the devil || The Walking Dead Musical Fanfiction</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/IHadaDreamLastNight235/pseuds/IHadaDreamLastNight235'>IHadaDreamLastNight235</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Walking Dead (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Drama, F/M, Romance, Zombie, gloomy, suicidal</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-09 00:54:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>39,531</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27668612</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/IHadaDreamLastNight235/pseuds/IHadaDreamLastNight235</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Quinn is a woman living in Alexandria, who were secretly in love with Daryl Dixon, but then something happened and she found herself in a strange situation. This is a romance focused The Walking Dead fanfiction. (Yes, the show has tons of couples, one or two more doesn't count. ;) )<br/>It is a "musical fanfiction" in a way, that I recommend songs to listen to which match up with the story. (It's completely optional to listen to those songs.)<br/>I recommend reading it for 18+ people, since the show is 18+ too.<br/>I do not own the Walking Dead, nor its characters, I wrote this fanfiction with all respect, not making money with it at all.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>DarylxCarol, NeganxOC Quinn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. I fell in love with the devil - intro</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Her eyes pierced right through me. <br/>- You can’t be serious. I hope you are joking.<br/>My face turned red. <br/>- I’m sorry… I…<br/>- No, you can’t be serious! – Carol yelled at me. – You know what he did, you know who he is!<br/>I didn’t say a word. I know. I know what he did. I know she is right. <br/>She shakes her head, she can’t believe it. I can’t believe it either. <br/>- Have you told anybody else? – she asks in a bit calmer way. <br/>- No.<br/>- Good. Maggie would definitely kill you on the spot and probably others too. – she is shaking her head again. – Just… what is wrong with you??<br/>- I’m asking the same question myself. <br/>- But I thought… - she continues in a whisper. – I thought you were in love with Daryl.<br/>- Well… I don’t know either what the hell. Can someone love two guys at the same time? <br/>Carol just stares at me.<br/>- I just can’t believe it. And I don’t want to deal with your love life right now. We have more important things to do.<br/>- I know that it’s apocalypse and we have to survive, but others are making love too, why can’t I? <br/>- Because you always fell in love with the wrong guy!<br/>I don’t answer for a moment, but then I say it.<br/>- Daryl is not interested, because he loves you. I know that. <br/>Carol laughs.<br/>- Daryl is not interested in ANYBODY. He is just not the romantic type.<br/>- See? You get him, you understand him, you are a perfect match for him. That’s why I won’t have a chance ever.<br/>Carol sighs, stares at me for a long minute.<br/>- But why him? Okay, you gave up on Daryl, but why HIM? I just don’t get it…<br/>- Me neither… I’m just feeling this. Maybe I’m attracted to bad guys.<br/>- But he is not just a bad guy! For fuck’s sake… Okay let’s leave it here, shall we? I don’t want to hear anymore. <br/>- Everything alright? – suddenly Daryl shows up in front of us. My face goes red again. I hate that I can’t control this. Carol looks at me, then turns to Daryl.<br/>- Everything’s fine. – then she leaves. Daryl follows her, as always. Alright. I was in love with Daryl for so long, but he will never notice me, because he only sees Carol. Fortunately, Carol is a good friend of mine. Actually, my only friend.<br/> I just have to digest the fact that I told Carol, which made it real. <br/>I fell in love with the devil.<br/>I fell in love with Negan.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Quinn volunteers to feed Negan and keep an eye on him.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I’m perfectly aware of what he did. I knew Glenn, barely, but still. I also knew Abraham. And Sasha. And Carl…<br/>I wasn’t present neither of their… last moments. I heard about them later. I was trying to talk sense into Carol, but she wanted to be alone.<br/>First, I didn’t feel anything for Negan. I would consider him handsome, but I never really thought about it, because it was so insignificant. And because his actions overshadowed everything. <br/>He is the devil.<br/>I am an Alexandria citizen, I helped my people against him. <br/>Then Rick defeated him and they put him behind those bars. Rick said he will live there till the end of his life.<br/>I’m a strange person. I guess I was bored. I had nothing to lose.<br/>I volunteered to keep an eye on Negan and bring him food every day.<br/>When I first met him, my heart was pounding so strongly. He was a leader, a murderer, someone to be afraid of, so my body acted like this. My body was scared. <br/>I was scared.<br/>I was standing right at his door at the infirmary. Siddiq just finished checking his wounds. As Siddiq left the room he looked at me.<br/>- Be careful. He might be weak and he refuses to talk, but still, he is Negan. He is dangerous. – he told me.<br/>I nodded my head. Siddiq left. I took a deep breath and I entered the room.<br/>He was staring at the ceiling. Didn’t even glimpse at me. I put soup on the table next to him. I felt my heart was pounding in my throat. I was alert. I was cautious. I brought only a spoon for him, but maybe he could kill me with that too.<br/>He didn’t eat. He was staring at the ceiling.<br/>I took a deep breath.<br/>- You should eat a little.<br/>He kept staring at the ceiling. It was creepy and miserable. I saw his chest moving as he breathed, so he is not dead. He wasn’t even blinking. I felt awkward. How long should I wait? I saw Siddiq walk past by the door outside. I leapt after him.<br/>- Siddiq! – he turned around. – What should I do if he is not eating? How long should I wait?<br/>- You can leave the food in there and come back later.<br/>- I left only a spoon, but who knows what he is capable of with that.<br/>- I will check on him regularly. You can go.<br/>- Okay, thanks.<br/>He didn’t have to say it twice, I was instantly out of there.<br/>…<br/>Days, then weeks passed like this. He was staring at the ceiling. When his wounds were almost healed, Rick and Michonne escorted him to the jail. <br/>A lot of things happened so fast.<br/>I saw Negan falling deeper and deeper in this. I didn’t dare to say a word to him. <br/>Then once I caught him trying to commit suicide. I talked to him for the second time.<br/>- What are you doing? – I was scared, not from him, but that he was about to take his own life.<br/>- Nothing… - he said in a faint, crackling voice. – I can’t…<br/>He lay down on his bed, turned his back towards me. I entered his cell, with my heart beating so fast, I was alert, every muscle was ready to jump if he tries to attack me. I picked up quickly the shards of his broken porcelain plate, leapt out of the cell and locked it. He didn’t even flinch. <br/>He was hollow. I’m not a psychologist, but I could tell, he was in deep depression.<br/>I told Michonne about the case, her reaction was I should serve him food on wooden plate. Alright then.<br/>After a while, Maggie was able to reach Negan too. She came to kill him. But she spared him, she said Negan was already in a worse state than death. <br/>And then Rick died.<br/>Everyone was mourning. Should I let Negan know? Or is he considered no one?<br/>He was still in depression. I decided to tell him, but only to snap him out of it. Maybe I was selfish, but it was hard to look at him. He was so miserable. I haven’t felt anything for him back then, though. My thoughts were occupied by missing Daryl, who got to lead the Sanctuary. <br/>I went down to Negan’s cell. I brought him sandwiches on wooden plate.<br/>He was sitting in the shadow, staring at the window.<br/>I took a deep breath. I gulped. <br/>- Rick is dead.<br/>He slowly turned his face towards me. This was the first time ever he looked at me. His eyes were full of emptiness. <br/>- What? – he asked quietly. I nodded my head. I wanted to run away. I was still afraid of him. But that was all the interaction. He turned his face back towards the window and fell deep in thoughts.<br/>I left.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Quinn struggles with her feelings towards Daryl Dixon and has to deal with Negan's attitude too.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Negan was always sitting in the shadow, so I couldn’t really see his face, but I could make it out that his beard grew long and his hair was messy too. And he started to stink.<br/>I knew Michonne was mourning Rick, so I didn’t dare to ask for her permission.<br/>I had my own resources, I always gathered rainwater and grew my own plants in my little garden. <br/>I filtrated the rainwater, boiled it and poured it into a washbasin. I grabbed a soap bar, a blade and the scissors and I went down to his cell in the evening.<br/>He was still awake, staring at the window.<br/>I put down the washbasin, it made a noise. He looked at me.<br/>- I want you to wash yourself.<br/>His expression distorted into madness.<br/>- You want? – he said through gritted teeth. He slowly came to the bars. I backed away. He stared at me for long minutes then yelled at me so suddenly I jumped.<br/>- I want so many things! You don’t want! You can’t! – he was mad. <br/>I breathed. I got over my fear. I stepped closer to the bars.<br/>- I get it. You wanted to kill Rick and now you are angry, because he is dead and not by your hands. And you are also angry, because you want to die, you have no purpose anymore and Maggie spared you.<br/>His eyes were furious. He stared at me so steadily I felt uneasy. Suddenly he smacked the bars with such force I had no idea where it came from since he was so weak. But I guess fury gave him strength. I took one more step closer to the bars.<br/>- Do you want to kill me? – I asked him. His eyes were still furious but a faint, distorted smile appeared in the corner of his mouth. It wasn’t a happy smile at all.<br/>I stood his stare. <br/>- If I had my Lucille…<br/>- You killed Glenn because he had a wife, didn’t you? And Abraham for being in love? You wanted to cause suffering. You wanted Maggie, Sasha and Rosita to feel the way you did. Making them weak. <br/>His eyes were still furious, but then he turned away. I understood him better than I thought.<br/>- Drown yourself in that water you brought. – he said quietly.<br/>I didn’t want to provoke him anymore, but if he wouldn’t wash himself, he is going to be ill.<br/>- I know you want to die, but Carl wanted you to take part in the community and while Rick didn’t let you, he still kept you alive for Carl’s sake, so you are going to wash yourself, because I’m not letting you get ill and die!<br/>He glanced at me. I think he was surprised how much I understood him. <br/>- For Carl. – he murmured. Fury vanished. He nodded and let me step in. I stepped into the cell, tied his hands.<br/>- How should I wash myself if you tie me up?<br/>- I don’t trust you.<br/>- So you’re gonna wash me? – he smiled like a pervert. <br/>- No, I’m taking that off, and wait for you to finish. Unfortunately, I will have to watch to prevent you from drowning yourself. Get your clothes off, I brought you fresh ones.<br/>He still smiled like a mad pervert while he took off his clothes.<br/>- Alrighty then. I’m not shy. – he stood before me naked. I rolled my eyes.<br/>- Just get on with it, wash. – I told him. <br/>He washed himself while smiling like an idiot. I gave him the fresh clothes. I will probably burn the old ones, I’m definitely not washing them.<br/>- Better? – I asked when he finished and got dressed.<br/>- Yeah, so are we gonna fuck now or what? – he asked with a huge smile. My face went red. I didn’t expect that. He had several wives at the Sanctuary, so I guess he is a pervert after all.<br/>- No. But I will shave your face if you want to get rid of that thing. – his smile faded. Seems like he went back to normal.<br/>- That would be nice. It was itchy lately.<br/>- You don’t have lice in there, do you? – I asked disgustedly. I’m not disgusted by the walkers, but I am with insects. Funny.<br/>- No, it was just… well… not too hygienic. <br/>I sighed. I opened the cell once more, tied his hands back. He sat on his bed. I brought the blade and scissors. He looked at me for a moment.<br/>- You are pretty. You could have been my wife back at the Sanctuary. – he said proudly. <br/>- No, thanks. – I said and focused on getting rid of that thing he called beard. I cut his hair too. He just laughed at my resistance. When I finished, I packed everything, untied his hands and locked the cell. Then I left without a word. He didn’t say anything either.<br/>It was already dark outside. I bumped into Carol as I was on my way back to my house.<br/>- Hey, what are you doing? – she asked. <br/>- I made a pretty make-over on Negan. – she looked at my questioningly. – I let him wash and then I cut his hair and beard. He was getting disgusting.<br/>She rolled her eyes.<br/>- He is not even human, he doesn’t deserve that kindness.<br/>- Oh, it wasn’t kindness, I just couldn’t stand the smell. – we both laughed. – And what are you up to?<br/>She sighed.<br/>- I’m not coming back for a while. I’m staying at the Kingdom. I’m sorry to tell you but… Daryl left too.<br/>- What? Where is he? – my heart started to pound faster. <br/>- He is out in the woods, I guess… He is… he is mourning Rick. He was like a brother to him.<br/>- And you. He is mourning the loss of you.<br/>- What do you mean?<br/>- You are getting closer with Ezekiel, aren’t you?<br/>- Well… it seems he is taking an interest in me. And I wanted to get away from Daryl, so you could have a chance. But I never imagined Rick would die… - she swallowed back her tears. – He has to mourn Rick. He has to be alone now. And I will see what’s going on with Ezekiel. He is a kind person.<br/>- I get it. <br/>I put down the washbasin and hugged her. She smiled at me and left. <br/>Daryl is out there alone. I can’t go search for him, he needs to mourn, he needs space… <br/>I took a deep breath and went home.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Quinn was struggling for 2 years, so she finally decided to tell Daryl how she feels. Negan made fun of her.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>(Author’s notes: Since I’m an overly musical person I would like to recommend some songs to listen to while reading this fanfiction. I’m not sure I’m allowed to link anything here, so I’m just writing them down: One of the songs is “Everytime” by Britney Spears. I was listening to this song while writing a specific scene, you’ll see. Listen to this song when Quinn is in the forest.)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>How did I end up falling in love with Negan?<br/>I’m asking myself this question all the time.<br/>Back then, when Daryl was living in the woods alone, I tried to find him. I waited of course, I understood he had to mourn Rick. And I’m still sure he was also down because Carol gave a chance to Ezekiel.<br/>But I decided. I waited for 2 years.<br/>One day, I went to give Negan his breakfast.<br/>We haven’t spoken since I let him wash himself, but he seemed to be slightly better.<br/>And we didn’t speak that morning either. I left his breakfast and I went out. I had to find Daryl. I own myself a chance, so I could say that I tried at least and won’t have to wonder “what could have happened”.<br/>I decided. I will basically throw myself at him. No matter what. If he says no, I give up on him forever. If he says yes, well that would be the best thing to happen to me since the apocalypse started.<br/>I knew he was good at tracing. Maybe I could give it a try. I ventured into the forest. I didn’t keep track of time. I didn’t care if Negan won’t get lunch today.<br/>I found some corpses, maybe Daryl put those walkers out. I hope he is still nearby and well.<br/>I tried as hard as I could, but I was very bad at tracing. I didn’t see anything special. Just trees and leaves and plants. I was wandering aimlessly. <br/>I was concentrating so much on tracing that I guess I walked into a swamp. <br/>I panicked.<br/>“What the hell?!”<br/>I thought it was just muddy surface.<br/>And here we go. A random walker out of nowhere. Of course. How could it be anything else? Just like in fairy tales. What were the chances, really?<br/>I reached for my knife, but I kept sinking.<br/>Suddenly, an arrow shot through the walker’s head. It was him.<br/>- What the hell are you doing? – Daryl asked.<br/>- I accidentally walked into a swamp.<br/>He threw a rope to me, I grabbed it and he pulled me out. I felt embarrassed. How could I act confident around him after this?<br/>-  And what are you doing out here? – he asked.<br/>- Actually, I was looking for you.<br/>- Really? Why?<br/>- I wanted to talk about something.<br/>Was it the right time for this?<br/>He looked at me curiously. He looked weary. He must have been crying a lot, because of Rick.<br/>- Are you alright? – I asked him.<br/>He nodded.<br/>- I’m alive. I was searching for Rick’s body. – he said. I frowned my eyebrows. – What? – he asked.<br/>- I didn’t know that was the reason you left.<br/>- I didn’t leave, I will go back when I’m ready. – I’m not sure what he meant, when he finds Rick or when he is mentally ready. – What was it you wanted to talk about?<br/>I took a deep breath.<br/>- You probably don’t even know my name…<br/>- I do. You’re Quinn. – he interrupted. I was surprised again. <br/>- Do you know what I want to talk about, too?<br/>- No idea. <br/>He looked honest. I started to feel uneasy.<br/>- I will just say it and get on with it. I’m in love with you.<br/>It seemed he found this strange as he frowned his eyebrows questioningly.<br/>- What? Is this some kind of joke?<br/>- No, it isn’t. – I gulped.<br/>- But… You don’t even know me. And I look like crap. – he said. <br/>- So, this means you definitely have zero feelings for me. – I nod my head and turn around to leave.<br/>- Hey! – he said. I stopped, looked at him. <br/>– What?<br/>He seemed to be searching for the right words, while staring into my eyes.<br/>- You can’t be in love with me, because you don’t know me. <br/>- I know a lot of things about you. And I’m friends with Carol. – maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned Carol. His face winced.<br/>- Carol talked about me with you? – he asked. I should have known he would be more interested in Carol.<br/>- It’s not like she gossiped or told deep secrets about you. She said little, meaningless things and she did that because I asked for it.<br/>He didn’t say anything. I shouldn’t have brought up Carol.<br/>- I don’t think you really are in love with… me. – he said it like it caused pain to form the words.<br/>I looked into his eyes. I stepped closer and kissed him. He didn’t pull away. When I stopped, I looked at him. I think he just wanted to be a gentleman.<br/>- You don’t want anything with me, do you? – I asked quietly, looking into his eyes. He seemed surprised and confused. <br/>- I… I’m sorry. – he murmured. – I don’t think about this kind of stuff. We have more important…<br/>- More important things to do. Right. I know. But there are several couples in every community. I thought maybe I can have happiness too…<br/>- You can just… not with me. I’m sure you deserve better.<br/>- Better? Like who?<br/>- I don’t know.<br/>I looked deep into his eyes, just for this one time, before I gave up on him.<br/>- I understand, I won’t bother you anymore.<br/>I took a step back, while looking into his eyes. <br/>- I’m sorry. – he said.<br/>- You don’t have to be. It’s all my fault. I won’t ever bring this up to you.<br/>I turned around and left him.<br/>- Do you even know where are you going? – he asked.<br/>I stopped. I didn’t turn around.<br/>- I don’t. – I murmured.<br/>- I accompany you back to Alexandria.<br/>- No, thank you. Just show me the direction. <br/>He stepped next to me.<br/>- Do you see the edge of the swamp? - I nodded. – You have to follow it back. But be careful, don’t step into the mud again.<br/>- Okay. Thank You.<br/>I left him, not looking back. I have to forget him.<br/>I have to forget his blue eyes, his voice… He should have just shot me with his crossbow, right through my heart. I have to forget the cute angel wings on his vest, which always made me feel like he was an angel.<br/>Maybe he was. He saved me from the swamp.<br/>At least I got to kiss him once. I touched my lips as I walked back to Alexandria, tears rolling down on my cheek.<br/>Soon I arrived, I went straight to my house. I felt humiliated. I will never be able to look Daryl in the eye again.<br/>I started to cry again. I washed my hands and my face. Wiped away my tears. I have to feed Negan, he didn’t get lunch and the sun is already going down.<br/>I made some sandwiches quickly and went down to his cell.<br/>My eyes were red and puffy.<br/>I stepped to the bars, I didn’t look at him. I put down the plate, and turned around.<br/>- Have you been crying? – Negan asked suddenly. I didn’t expect him to speak to me, not to mention to notice my misery.<br/>- None of your business. – I turned away and wiped my eyes. I heard him getting up and walking to the bars. He got the plate, sat down on his bed and started to eat.<br/>- Guy problem? – he asked. I think he was so bored he just wanted something to entertain him. What can I lose? Carol is in the Kingdom, I have no friends here. I was always kind of a loner.<br/>- I told Daryl that I was in love with him, but he wasn’t interested. Happy now?<br/>He didn’t say a word at first. I turned around to see his expression. He was smiling.<br/>- You confessed your love to Daryl Dixon? – he started to giggle. <br/>- What’s so funny? – I asked. He started to irritate me with that grin.<br/>- He doesn’t seem to be a romantic type.<br/>- He is not.<br/>- Well I guess that’s the problem. At least he should have fucked you.<br/>- Would you just shut up?! – I yelled at him. – You are disgusting!! Not every male in the world want to fuck all the time!!<br/>His smile faded. He was just eating the sandwich. He swallowed, then said:<br/>- When I kept him as a hostage, I fed him dog food. – he giggled like a little kid who did something wrong.<br/>I looked at him.<br/>- You thought this is going to cheer me up? – his smile faded once again.<br/>- Sorry. And you are right, not every man want to fuck all the time.<br/>- Just you.<br/>He giggled.<br/>- I cheated on my wife once. I regret it so much. But the apocalypse ruined me. I’m a wreck. I thought I won’t engage myself to anyone, so I can be with everyone. But those wives I had at the Sanctuary… It wasn’t good. I didn’t enjoy it. It was a tool to intimidate people, so they would fear me.<br/>- Are you trying to imply that you are a good person?<br/>- No. I’m a bad person, I know that. <br/>- Are you aware of the fact that you basically raped those women at the Sanctuary? <br/>- Hey! – he looked seriously and stood up from his bed. – I didn’t rape anyone. They had a choice.<br/>- Yeeees, they could let you fuck them or they could die. What a gentleman.<br/>- Stop it. – his face was very serious now.<br/>- You are telling yourself this bullshit to feel better, but you are just a murderer and a rapist! I would have chosen death over letting you touch me!<br/>He was mad. Really mad. He could have killed me with his eyes. I guess I got the point right again. I continued. <br/>- Why are you even talking to me? Are you bored so much that you are interested in my non-existent love life?<br/>- You are right. It must hurt that doggy didn’t doggy you.<br/>I rushed to the cell and smashed my hands at it.<br/>- You are disgusting and childish! – I yelled at him. He walked to the bars. I took a step back. He leaned his head against the bar and stared at me, with a faint, mad smile. His eyes were furious during the whole time.<br/>- I know. – he said and gave back his plate.<br/>I took the plate and stormed out.<br/>- Thank you for the food! – he shouted after me. I stopped. He was mocking me. I was so angry, I took a deep breath. I stormed back to my house and slammed the door behind me.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author’s notes: Listen to: “Had Enough” by Breaking Benjamin. (Since it’s about Quinn’s feelings I recommend listening to a female cover.) <br/>Thank You for reading this fanfiction! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Quinn is rejected by Daryl, so she visits Carol to cry on her shoulder. Negan is acting strangely.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Author’s note: Feel free to listen “Everytime” by Britney Spears again while reading this chapter. :D You will know where to start listening to it. 😉 Little hint: “I cried almost every day…”</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next day I went down to Negan, I just throw the sandwich at him, without a word.<br/>He caught it unfortunately, he has good reflexes.<br/>- Hey, hey! – he said, but I was already on my way out of there. I didn’t give him lunch that day either. I went back down in the evening. <br/>I looked at him with despise and hatred. I didn’t really think about it earlier, what exactly this man did. I realised I was too neutral towards him. He could have killed Daryl instead of Glenn. I should understand Maggie better. She said Negan was already in a worse state than death, but I think he got out of it. He was almost like enjoying the situation.<br/>- What the fuck is wrong with you? – he asked when he saw my eyes. He got up from his bed and slowly came to the bars. I was breathing heavily because of my anger. I couldn’t forget what he did, what he said about Daryl being a dog and the rest I wouldn’t even want to think about. His eyes changed. He looked at me like he was feeling sorry for me? That can’t be, this is a monster he only cares about my love life because he is bored and wants to laugh at me. <br/>I throw the sandwich at his chest between the iron bars and turned around to leave. <br/>- I’m sorry! – he shouted when I was already on the stairs. I stopped. I rushed back to the cell. He was standing there, where I left him.<br/>- I don’t believe you! – I said through gritted teeth. – You are not funny at all.<br/>My eyes filled with tears again. <br/>- Are you in love with him that much? – he asked. His voice didn’t sound like earlier. I eased up a little.<br/>- Yes. – I answered shortly. He had no idea. Daryl was wrong about me not knowing him. I was with him since the Governor ruined the prison. I came with Tara to join Rick’s group. Daryl never even glanced at me. I was just someone in the crowd. I shook my head maybe I can shake these feelings out but it didn’t help. Negan was looking at me the whole time. I glanced at him for a moment, then I left again without a word.<br/>…<br/>I cried almost every day for about two or three months. Daryl’s face was haunting me in my dreams. I kept seeing that one moment, his confusion, his resistance. How he didn’t react at all. Like I was a tree or I don’t know. Nothing. <br/>I asked Gabriel if he could feed Negan for a month. I didn’t want to see his face right now, it always reminded me about what he said. He is such a jerk. <br/>I decided to visit Carol at the Kingdom. She was happy to see me. She showed me around, we were gardening almost all day. Ezekiel and Henry are so nice. Carol looked happy. I was there for a week already, when she asked me:<br/>- Are you going to talk about it or not? <br/>I looked at her. I knew immediately what she was talking about.<br/>- I found Daryl in the woods. I told him. – my eyes filled with tears again. She put down the flower she was about to plant and hugged me.<br/>- I’m so sorry. I told you he is not right for you.<br/>- I’m… I was in love with him for long years. <br/>- I know.<br/>She was hugging me, I cried into her shoulder.<br/>- Someone once told me, you have to mourn a relationship just like you mourn a passed away person. Because a part of your life is over and it’s not going to be the same ever again. I guess that’s true even if you didn’t have a relationship with him.<br/>- You are right. I’m sorry I’m bothering you with this silly bullshit. <br/>- That’s what friends are for. – she hugged me tighter, stroked my head. I slowly backed away.<br/>- Thank you… - I took a deep breath, then sighed.<br/>- Just forget him. You will be better.<br/>- You know, he said I should find someone better than him. Like I had so many options. All of the guys are falling for Rosita or they are gay.<br/>- You like Eugene and Aaron too or what? – she asked laughing.<br/>- No! – I started to laugh too. – I was just illustrating the range of guys.<br/>I swept away my tears. I had to close this once and for all.<br/>- Okay, enough of this. – I said. – Sorry it took so long.<br/>- Let’s not talk about him anymore. What’s up with Negan?<br/>- What do you mean? He is a jerk.<br/>- Is he talking to you? When you visit him.<br/>- Yes, sometimes. Unfortunately, more regularly.<br/>- About what? <br/>- Nothing really. He is just mocking me.<br/>Carol frowned her eyebrows, but didn’t ask anything else.<br/>I spent the whole month with her at the Kingdom, then I went back to Alexandria.<br/>I checked my garden, it survived with the rain, but I had many things to do. When I was tending to my garden Gabriel came over.<br/>- Hi! I just wanted to ask if you could keep feeding Negan.<br/>- Yes, I asked you to take over only for a month.<br/>- Thank you. I don’t feel good when I have to visit him.<br/>- Why?<br/>- He is like the devil. Does he speak to you?<br/>- Yes, sometimes.<br/>- He didn’t say a word to me. I thought he was in depression.<br/>Maybe he fell back? But why? <br/>- I thought he was better. I’m going to visit him tonight, you don’t have to.<br/>- Alright, thank you.<br/>- Thank you.<br/>He left. Don’t tell me Negan fell back into depression because he didn’t get to laugh at my misery?<br/>I finished gardening, washed my hands, made sandwiches for him and I went down to his cell.<br/>When he saw me, he got up from his bed and came to the bars. His beard and hair grew out again, seems like Gabriel didn’t want to shave him. But I saw something strange in his eyes. He was… happy?<br/>- I thought you’ll never come back. – he said quietly. I was looking him in the eye. <br/>- Would it matter? – I asked.<br/>- Yes, I… I started to like you. I’m sorry I said that thing about Dixon. I shouldn’t have laughed at you.<br/>Was I dreaming? He truly apologised?<br/>- You managed to grow magic mushroom in there or what?<br/>- No, I mean it. I am sorry.<br/>- Okay. – I could hardly believe him. – But I don’t understand why would you like me.<br/>- You are the only one who takes care of me. Gabriel was like… running out of here, like I was the devil…<br/>- You are the devil.<br/>He laughed.<br/>- Maybe you are right.<br/>I gave him the sandwiches. <br/>- Do you want to shave? – I asked him.<br/>- Yes, please. <br/>- When did you got to wash last time?<br/>- Before you left.<br/>I nodded and went back to my house. Prepared the washbasin and the scissors. He finished his meal when I got back to the cell.<br/>- You seem to be more… active than your usual self. – I told him. – I want to tie your hands before I enter the cell.<br/>He stretched his arms between the iron bars without a word. I tied him then I opened the cell and put down the washbasin and the soap.<br/>I left the cell, untied his hands and waited for him to finish.<br/>- Can I look somewhere else or are you suicidal again?<br/>He smiled at me as he took his shirt off.<br/>- I don’t want to die. Maggie was right. I deserve this, so I accepted my fate. I will rot in here.<br/>- You won’t if you wash properly.<br/>I turned around when he started to get off his pants. I heard him splashing water.<br/>- At least keep talking so I know you are not killing yourself. – I said.<br/>- Alright… I was thinking about our last conversation.<br/>- Oh, no please… anything but that.<br/>- I wanted to tell you something. The way you acted in here… It reminded me of my wife. When I lost her. You lost Dixon in a matter of sense. I just wanted to say that I understand you.<br/>Splashing stopped, so I turned around. He was dressing up into the fresh clothes I brought. He was looking at me.<br/>- I can’t believe you are being… nice. – I said. <br/>- You are my only friend here, so I have to. – he smiled. <br/>- You are acting very strangely. Are you okay? Friends? You killed my neighbours. You almost killed the love of my life. And you consider yourself my friend?<br/>- You said neighbours…<br/>- What?<br/>- You didn’t even know Glenn and Abraham.<br/>- Well, we said hi to each other sometimes.<br/>He rolled his eyes. <br/>- Whatever, the point is you are a murderer. – I said confidently. – We are not friends. <br/>He threw his hands helplessly. <br/>- Come here, so I can tie your hands.<br/>He did so. I opened the cell, got out the washbasin, then he sat on his bed and I started to get rid of his beard and hair.<br/>- How can you grow so much hair in a month? – I asked. I didn’t want to spend that much time down there.<br/>- I meant it. That I’m sorry. – he said, staring at the wall while I cut his hair.<br/>- I appreciate it.<br/>We didn’t talk anymore. I finished and I left. This was strange. The whole situation. Like he was a different person. Maybe he is changing?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Two years passed since Quinn met Daryl in the forest. Now she is getting to know Negan. One day a huge storm causes trouble.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>(Author’s notes: I would like to recommend another song, listen now, before you start reading. The song is “Hello Heartache” by Avril Lavigne.)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Two years passed again. I haven’t seen Daryl since that incident in the forest and I actively tried not to think about him. Eventually, I thought about him less and less.<br/>Negan talked to me sometimes, but not that much. He got this new habit of saying thank you after every meal. <br/>One day I saw something. <br/>He was talking to Judith through the window. He seemed happy, he was joking and laughing. I looked around, I saw no one. I stepped to the little girl.<br/>- Judith, you should go home. – I said politely.<br/>- I know, I know. – she said and left.<br/>I went down to the cell. When Negan saw me, he came to the bars. He did this all the time since I came back from the Kingdom.<br/>- You shouldn’t talk to her. If Michonne knew, she would cut you in half, because unlike me, she was right there and watched Abraham and Glenn in their last moments.<br/>He took the meal and started to eat. He swallowed then said:<br/>- You’re right. But she is such a sweet little girl. <br/>- Are you a pedophile or what?<br/>He frowned his eyebrows disapprovingly.<br/>- Even I must draw the line somewhere. I am definitely not a pedophile.<br/>He took a bite of his sandwich.<br/>- Glad to know.<br/>He swallowed then continued.<br/>- Me and my wife, Lucille… We always wanted to have a child. But she couldn’t… We didn’t get to… then all this mess happened and she died… I always wanted to be a father.<br/>His eyes pierced right into my soul as he said that. This was the first time I ever felt sorry for him. He continued eating.<br/>I didn’t say anything else. I never thought about having children. I just wanted to fall in love first, and maybe later I would consider it…. I was so lost in thought that I didn’t even realise he finished his meal. He was leaning to the iron bars and staring at me. I quickly got the plate from him and stepped to the stairs.<br/>- Why are you always in such a hurry? – he asked.<br/>- I don’t want to be with you longer than I must.<br/>- Ouch! I didn’t see that coming. – he said with a wide smile. I rolled my eyes.<br/>- What do you want?<br/>- Nothing. You can leave if you want to.<br/>- I want to.<br/>So I left.<br/>That night I lay awake in my bed, staring at the ceiling. Then I got up and looked out of my window. I saw the stars so clearly. It was beautiful.<br/>I couldn’t shake these things out of my head. <br/>And now I can’t sleep because I just realised that I kind of start to like Negan. He was so miserable, he did bad things but he seemed to be regretting them. He seemed to be changing. Maybe Judith is changing him? <br/>I lay back to my bed. When I fell asleep, I dreamed about Negan bashing Abraham and Glenn’s heads. How he smashed again and again and again with the bat. I woke up suddenly, my heart was beating fast. I think my subconscious wanted to warn me, to remind me who Negan is. I wasn’t present in real life, but in my dream, I saw it so clearly. I took a deep breath.<br/>I washed my face.<br/>The next day I brought him breakfast and lunch and we didn’t talk, he just thanked me for the meals.<br/>In the evening I went down. I saw some very dark clouds on the sky. When I reached the cell, I heard it started to rain. Great, I will be soaking when I get back to my house.<br/>I gave him his meal and I wanted to go back but then I saw lightning striking and Michonne running on the street yelling:<br/>- Everyone, stay at home! It’s going to be a huge storm! – she spotted me coming out of the basement and yelled at me too. – Go back down there, it’s not going to be safe out here in a couple of minutes! – she said then ran into her house.<br/>I throw up my arms irritated. I went back down.<br/>- I hear a nice storm out there. You don’t want to be wet? – asked Negan with that perverted smile again. Like a sixteen-year-old who thinks sexual things are funny. He already finished his meal, he came to the iron bars and leaned to it.<br/>- No, thanks. – I said. I sat down on the ground in front of the cell and leaned my back to the wall, closed my eyes. Several minutes passed like this. <br/>- I just realised I don’t even know your name. – Negan said.<br/>- Why do you want to know? – I asked, opened my eyes.<br/>- Well, you know my name, but I didn’t properly introduce myself. I’m Negan. – he stretched his arm between the iron bars. I got up and took his hand.<br/>- I’m Quinn.<br/>He smiled at me. <br/>- Nice to meet you, Quinn.  – he shook my hand.<br/>- You asked me after four years? Really?<br/>He shrugged his shoulders.<br/>- I was busy.<br/>- I witnessed it.<br/>He was still holding my hand, I pulled it back.<br/>I just realised I was smiling. I turned around went back to the wall and sat down as I was before.<br/>He leaned his head to the bars.<br/>- So, what now? – he asked.<br/>- I’m trapped in here. Until the storm goes away.<br/>- That might take several hours. Are you ready to spend several hours with me? Right after you let me know you don’t want to be in here more than you must.<br/>- I have no choice.<br/>I closed my eyes again. Long minutes passed. I forced myself not to think about Daryl, but I couldn’t stop this thought rushing into my mind: he is out there in the woods in this storm. I hope he built a shelter or something. I sighed unconsciously.<br/>- He won’t die in a storm. Trust me, he is tough. – Negan said. I opened my eyes, he was sitting next to the iron bars, his back and head leaned to the wall.<br/>- I wasn’t… - I tried to deny it, but he saw right through me.<br/>- Yes, you were.<br/>- Whatever… - I closed my eyes again. – I don’t have feelings for him anymore.<br/>Negan didn’t answer, but I also didn’t want to chat about my love life with him again.<br/> I didn’t want to be there. He didn’t say a word for a long time. I think I fell asleep, I saw Abraham and Glenn again, their heads bashed by Negan… he smashed with his bat and I heard a huge thunder, I jumped. I looked around, suddenly I was fully alert. <br/>- Easy. – Negan said. Looks like he didn’t fall asleep.<br/>- Ugh… - I wiped the sleepiness off my face. – I think I fell asleep.<br/>- Yes, you did. Were you dreaming? You made strange noises.<br/>- Like what?<br/>- Like that “ugh” you made just now.<br/>- I was dreaming about you.<br/>- Well-well, that’s interesting. – he smiled widely.<br/>- It was a nightmare.<br/>- Oh, come on, I’m not that terrible in the bed. <br/>I rolled my eyes.<br/>- I saw you bashing Glenn and Abraham’s heads.<br/>His smile faded away at once. Suddenly he became very serious.<br/>- I dream about that too. I was such an asshole… The end of the world brings out the worst in people. I regret so many things… Like killing Glenn and Abraham.<br/>- You just wanted to survive somehow. – I can’t believe I said that. Negan looked at me surprised too. - If you would’ve killed Daryl or Carol… I might have just done the same thing to you. I would have bashed your head. Did you had anyone at the Sanctuary whom you actually liked?<br/>- Not really… But let’s get back to the point where you killed me. That’s interesting.<br/>- I won’t kill you.<br/>- I don’t want to die.<br/>I heard another enormous thunderclap and I jumped again. I breathed heavily. Since my childhood I was always afraid of storms. I love the weather after the storm goes away, but the storm itself was scary. I was afraid I’m going to have a panic attack. But it was too late, I was already having it.<br/>- Shit, you don’t look good, are you alright? – asked Negan. He slowly stood up and came closer to me. <br/>- I… I think I’m having a panic attack. – I said. I closed my eyes tight, I pulled up my knees and held myself as I was sitting. Another thunderclap came, another jump. <br/>- How do you stop a panic attack? Can I help? – he asked. He sounded sincere. <br/>- I should calm down and think about something else. But I can’t. – I just realised that tears were rolling down my cheek. <br/>- Come here. – said Negan. No, he demanded. I looked up at him. He stretched his hand out between the iron bars. I stood up and took it. He squeezed my hand gently. He took my other hand too. I was looking down at my feet, I was ashamed. <br/>- Look at me. – he said. Another thunderclap, another jump. He squeezed my hands more. – Look at me. – he repeated. I looked him in the eye. – Everything’s gonna be alright. – he said slowly. – You know what? I’ll tell you something, that very few people know about me. And most of them might be dead already. <br/>- What? – I asked, my voice shaking.<br/>- I was a teacher, before all of this. – I looked at him again. <br/>- What? Are you serious? – I asked. I started to laugh. – What did you teach?<br/>- I was a gym teacher. – he said with an impish smile, like he was partly proud of himself and partly ashamed.<br/>- That explains a lot. – I said, still laughing. <br/>- Right. Laugh, go on. – he said smiling.<br/>- I was terrible at sports. If you were my teacher, I would fail for sure.<br/>- That depends on what you‘re willing to do to succeed.<br/>- Is this another pervert joke? – I asked. <br/>- Interpret as you wish. – he winked at me. He still had that huge smile on his face.<br/>- What a luck that you chose a bat for weapon, not a basketball or something like that.<br/>He smiled.<br/>- Don’t mock me like that, what were you doing before this? Let me guess, you were a secretary.<br/>- How did you know?<br/>- You don’t know shit and you cook very well. – he said smiling.<br/>- Hey! I know shit! I can defend myself!<br/>- Except from the thunder.<br/>Another thunderclap, another jump. I got closer to the iron bars… and Negan. I just realised how tall he was. I looked up at him, he looked me in the eye. Suddenly, he hugged me through the iron bars. <br/>- You know… I’m kind of lonely. And not in a sexual context. I really meant that I consider you as my friend.<br/>- I know. – another thunderclap, I buried my face into his chest. – Sorry, I’m really scared.<br/>- No problem. – he said. He started to stroke my back. It felt good. I breathed slower.<br/>- I will be your friend. I don’t have many anyway. Just Carol, but she is busy.<br/>- Really? Then what are you doing when you are not here?<br/>- I’m… gardening.<br/>- Wow. We suck. <br/>- Yeah. – I laughed. <br/>I started to feel awkward hugging Negan. I pulled away.<br/>- This storm doesn’t really want to go away. Do you want to sleep? – he asked.<br/>- I wouldn’t dare to sleep. Not after I’m having those nightmares.<br/>I think I saw guilt in his eyes. But he didn’t say a word, just nodded.<br/>My eyes drifted to his hands. Those hands killed Abraham, Glenn and so many other people. How could it feel so good to hold his hands while I know what they did? I took a step back I didn’t dare to look him in the eye again. I went to the wall and sat down. <br/>He turned his back on me, his hands in his pocket. Like he knew what I was thinking. He looked at the ceiling, then out through the window.  <br/>- Are you feeling better? – he asked with his back towards me, didn’t even look at me.<br/>It’s strange, but he managed to calm me down.<br/>- Yes.<br/>I sat near the iron bars. Maybe he thinks I regretted hugging him. I closed my eyes. Maybe I should really try to sleep.<br/>I was exhausted, because of the panic attack. In a couple of minutes, I fell asleep…</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>(Author’s Notes: One more song! :D It’s optional to listen, though, I just love pairing songs with situations. Listen to “Thinking of you” by Katy Perry. Interpret as you wish. :D &lt;3)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Quinn spent the night with Negan at the cell, because of the storm. They only slept, nothing happened. Quinn wakes up to find herself with strange feelings.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I didn’t dream about anything, but my subconscious somehow reminded me that I’m at the cell with Negan. I woke up. I realised Negan was sitting next to me on the other side of the bars and my head was on his shoulder. He was holding my hand too. He was asleep. I looked towards the window, it was still dark outside, but it was quiet. No storm. I felt my pocket, I still had the key to his cell. He could’ve taken it easily, but he didn’t. I felt like maybe I could trust him. Maybe.<br/>I felt disturbing things.<br/>Should I stay or should I go home? I didn’t want to wake him up.<br/>His face was so close to mine. He was breathing slowly, I felt his breath on my cheek. Just as I was staring at him, he suddenly opened his eyes. I found myself an inch away from his face. I quickly backed away. <br/>- Sorry I woke you up. The storm is over.<br/>He looked at the window with very sleepy eyes. I quickly leapt to my feet.<br/>- I’m leaving. I’ll come back in the morning.<br/>- Don’t go out in the dark. You don’t even have a flashlight. Come back and sleep.<br/>- You didn’t take the key. You know exactly where I keep it.<br/>He looked at me, more awake now.<br/>- I told you. I deserve this. I don’t want to go out. If I went out, they would kill me.<br/>- That’s for sure.<br/>This whole situation was so awkward, I wanted to escape. He leaned back to the wall and closed his eyes. He looked handsome. <br/>No.<br/>He is Negan. He is a murderer. He is not handsome.<br/>I rushed out into the night.<br/>The sun’s first rays were visible at the horizon. I quickly got to my house. I locked the door behind me, I took some deep breathes. What the actual hell happened?<br/>Images of a hug, holding hands and smiles flashed before my eyes. I felt some strange warmness inside me. My hands were slightly shaking. <br/>I should think about Daryl. Fast. I was trying to recall his blue eyes, his face, his voice, his angel winged vest, his crossbow... But at the same time brown eyes kept coming into my head.<br/>No.<br/>This can’t be.<br/>I washed my face, and lay into my bed. I tried to sleep, but I kept seeing blue and brown eyes, smiles…<br/>Daryl never smiled at me. I kept seeing Negan’s smile.<br/>I felt his hug.<br/>No, stop! I had to force myself to stop thinking about such things.<br/>I didn’t sleep at all. Morning came. I prepared his breakfast.<br/>My hands were shaking as I went to him.<br/>I took a deep breath before I went down. Michonne stopped me.<br/>- Everything alright? – she asked.<br/>- Yes, why? <br/>- I’m sorry I sent you back to Negan last night, but you were still safer down there than out here.<br/>- He didn’t do anything to me. Actually… I had a panic attack and he helped.<br/>Michonne frowned her eyebrows. I shouldn’t have told her that. I always speak before I think. <br/>- I’m scared of storms. – I added fast. She looked at me suspiciously.<br/>- Okay. Tell me if anything’s wrong with him.<br/>- I will. – I said. Michonne left me. I took another deep breath and went down. He was standing at the window.<br/>- Were you listening? – I asked him.<br/>- You told Michonne that I helped you?<br/>- Well, I didn’t go into details… - I felt my face went red. I think he noticed it. He came to the bars with a huge smile. I handed over his breakfast without looking at him.<br/>- Gosh, it’s so easy to embarrass you. Wanna come in for a morning fuck?<br/>I jerked my head up.<br/>- You are an asshole. – I said and left him. I heard him giggle. He is back to his old self. I went to tend my garden. I was late with his lunch. He never complained though, not even when I didn’t give him any lunch.<br/>I prepared his meal and went down to him.<br/>I handed it over, without looking at him. But since he didn’t say a word, I had to look at him. He was staring at me. I felt my face going red again.<br/>- Eat. – I said and turned my back on him to leave.<br/>- Oh, come on. Don’t leave again. – he put the plate on his bed and came back to the bars. – I thought we broke the ice last night. – he grabbed my wrist between the iron bars. – Stay.<br/>I looked him in the eye.<br/>- I can’t. – I said and I pulled my wrist from his hand and left. I can’t stay, because I don’t want to feel these things. I don’t want to like him.<br/>I shouldn’t have got to know him. I shouldn’t have talked to him. I tried to keep it at the minimum, but somehow we ended up talking about ourselves several occasions. <br/>I rushed to Gabriel directly.<br/>- Gabriel! – I called for him at his door. He opened it.<br/>- Hello, Quinn, what’s going on? – he asked.<br/>- Can you feed Negan for a week, from now, please?<br/>- Okay… - I could see he didn’t want to, but I didn’t want to go there now either.<br/>- Thank you. – I quickly got away before he could change his mind.<br/>I went to the Kingdom. <br/>Thoughts were swirling rapidly in my head while I was on my way. I tried not to think about it. Why would I feel anything? Maybe I know a little more about Negan, than I know about Daryl. But he is a psychopath, he is a murderer, a rapist. He is not someone to trust. But I felt like I could trust him when I had the panic attack. Maybe I couldn’t think straight. I have to empty my head. I have to think it through with a clear mind.<br/>When I arrived, I searched for Carol.<br/>- Hi! – she welcomed me with a huge smile, hugged me. <br/>- Can you come with me outside? – I asked in a whisper.<br/>- What’s going on?<br/>- I don’t want anyone to hear what I’d like to talk about.<br/>She frowned her eyebrows, but followed me outside. We wandered into the woods…<br/>I looked around cautiously.<br/>- What’s wrong? Negan did something? – she asked.<br/>- I think I’m… starting to have feelings for him. - I squeezed the words out of myself.<br/>Her eyes pierced right through me. <br/>- You can’t be serious. I hope you are joking.<br/>My face turned red. <br/>- I’m sorry… I…<br/>- No, you can’t be serious! – Carol yelled at me. – You know what he did, you know who he is!<br/>I didn’t say a word. I know. I know what he did. I know she is right. <br/>She shook her head, she couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it either. <br/>- Have you told anybody else? – she asked in a bit calmer way. <br/>- No.<br/>- Good. Maggie would definitely kill you on the spot and probably others too. – she was shaking her head again. – Just… what is wrong with you??<br/>- I’m asking the same question myself. <br/>- But I thought… - she continued in a whisper. – I thought you were in love with Daryl.<br/>- Well… I don’t know either what the hell. Can someone love two guys at the same time? <br/>Carol just stared at me.<br/>- I just can’t believe it. And I don’t want to deal with your love life right now.<br/>- I know that it’s apocalypse and we have to survive, but others are making love too, why can’t I? <br/>- Because you always fell in love with the wrong guy! – Carol was yelling.<br/>I don’t answer for a moment, but then I say it.<br/>- Daryl is not interested, because he loves you. I know that. <br/>Carol laughs.<br/>- Daryl is not interested in ANYBODY. He is just not the romantic type.<br/>- See? You get him, you understand him, you are a perfect match for him. That’s why I won’t have a chance ever.<br/>Carol sighs, stares at me for a long minute.<br/>- But why him? Okay, you gave up on Daryl, but why HIM? I just don’t get it…<br/>- Me neither… I’m just feeling this. Maybe I’m attracted to bad guys.<br/>- But he is not just a bad guy! For fuck’s sake… Okay let’s leave it here, shall we? I don’t want to hear anymore. <br/>- Everything alright? – suddenly Daryl showed up in front of us. My face went red again. I hate that I can’t control this. Carol looked at me, then turned to Daryl.<br/>- Everything’s fine. – then she left. Daryl followed her, as always. Alright. I was in love with Daryl for so long, but he will never notice me, because he only sees Carol. Fortunately, Carol is a good friend of mine. Actually, my only friend.<br/>I just have to digest the fact that I told Carol, which made it real. <br/>I fell in love with the devil.<br/>I fell in love with Negan.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author's notes: Time to reveal the theme song of the fanfic. 😊<br/>Listen to “I fell in love with the devil” by Avril Lavigne. This song inspired me to write this fanfiction. &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Quinn told Carol that she started to have feelings for Negan. Quinn returns to Alexandria and Negan isn't happy that Quinn just left without a word.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Author’s notes: Feel free to listen to “I fell in love with the devil” by Avril Lavigne again, starting when you reach the part: “On my way back…”</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I went back to the Kingdom. Carol came back a little later. <br/>- Sorry. I talked with Daryl for a moment.  – she said.<br/>- How is he?<br/>- Better, I think. <br/>- Strange… I didn’t feel anything when he showed up.<br/>- Really? Your whole face went red.<br/>- But not because of him. I was afraid he heard something. <br/>Carol looked at me angrily.<br/>- Now that you mention it… I don’t even know what to say. For fuck’s sake…<br/>- Yea, I know… First, I was just feeling pity for Negan, then I started to ease up, he was talking about his wife and then I started to like him, he was mocking me, but then he was just joking and it all became neutral and friendly…<br/>- I can’t believe it… Look. – she started to whisper. – Whatever you do… be extremely careful. Maggie and Daryl and some other people agree in that Negan should be dead. If anyone would find out about… this thing going on, maybe they would want kill you too.<br/>- Nothing’s going on. I’m trying to resist… <br/>- What exactly happened? – she asked with an irritated sigh.<br/>- A hug. I had a panic attack and he helped.<br/>- A panic attack? Are you alright?<br/>- Yes, I’m fine.<br/>- Because of the storm?<br/>- Yes.<br/>- And he could calm you down?<br/>- I was surprised too. <br/>She shook her head.<br/>- Also, he was talking about himself and more often he was talking to me so eventually I got to know him. – I continued. Carol was still shaking her head.<br/>- I just can’t… Really. There are a lot of nice guys… Ugh… - she waved off. <br/>- I’m sorry.<br/>- Don’t be sorry for your feelings. You can’t do anything about them.<br/>- I know. I still feel ashamed. He is a murderer.<br/>- Aren’t we all? – she asked. – Just… be very careful. <br/>She hugged me. I felt happy somehow. I didn’t know why. <br/>Maybe it was relief?<br/>I stayed with Carol the whole week. She tried to convince me at first to stay away from Negan, but I knew nobody wanted to volunteer to feed him. Carol agreed and eventually accepted the situation. She told me about his husband, who abused her.<br/>- Then you fell in love with a wrong guy too, you know how it is. But let me clear it, Negan wouldn’t hurt me. You stayed with your husband even when he hit you regularly?<br/>- It was a long time ago. I was a different person. I guess he formed my personality, that’s why I am who I am today.<br/>- Negan wouldn’t hurt me. He told me a lot of things, you know. About himself and how he regrets killing people.<br/>- Did he say that?<br/>- Yes. He said particularly Glenn and Abraham.<br/>- Wasn’t it a pick-up line for you to pity him, so he can have sex?<br/>- I don’t think so. I made it very clear that I’m not having sex with him. – Carol made a strange face. -  He was joking about that before. I don’t even want to think about it now that everything has changed.<br/>- I agree. You should be very careful.<br/>- I don’t want to do anything with him. It’s not just that he is a murderer, but the way he used to kill people. That disturbs me. How twisted his mind can be?<br/>- I killed people in various ways too. Does he seem normal? Or is he still playing games?<br/>- I don’t know. I guess he is honest, but I can’t be sure.<br/>Carol shook her head. <br/>- I still can’t believe it. I wish Daryl would’ve accepted you and you two would be living happily ever after in the woods.<br/>I smiled.<br/>- Daryl… feels like it was a thousand years ago. I think it was just a huge crush… Like I was a fan of him. Maybe it wasn’t love… I can’t believe I kissed him. What the hell got into me?<br/>Carol laughed.<br/>- I wish I had seen his face when you did that. He must have been very confused.<br/>- He was. It was like kissing a tree.<br/>She laughed even harder.<br/>- Oh my god… - she sighed. – And what about Negan? Have you two…?<br/>- No, it was just a hug that I told you about. It could have been a friendly hug, but I felt something… I don’t know if he felt it too. It was strange. I don’t even know what I feel now. Everything’s so complicated.<br/>- I still wish you would’ve ended up with Daryl.<br/>- I wish that for you. I know Ezekiel is nice, but I still think you two are meant to be together.<br/>- Don’t say that. – she waved it off, then changed the subject. – Are you going back tomorrow?<br/>- Yes.<br/>- Okay then let’s leave it there. If anything happens… don’t write letters to me. You know it’s not safe, especially in this case.<br/>- Yes, I know, that’s why I always come personally.<br/>- Good. Keep it that way. And be very, very careful.<br/>The next day she walked me to the gates, hugged me then I left the Kingdom.<br/>♪ On my way back I ran into some walkers, but I managed to kill them with my knife. I was intentionally not thinking about Negan. I was looking at the trees, the sky. Everything was calm and beautiful. Nature always calmed me down.<br/>When I got back to Alexandria I went to Gabriel.<br/>- Hi Gabriel, I’m here. You don’t have to go to Negan.<br/>- Thank God! – he said. Sounded funny coming from him. I smiled.<br/>I went home and started to prepare Negan’s dinner.<br/>I didn’t know what to feel, what to do. <br/>I saw Daryl and I didn’t feel anything. He was still handsome but… the butterflies were gone. I didn’t notice when did the butterflies go away.<br/>I took a deep breath and went down to Negan’s cell.<br/>He was lying on his bed. <br/>- Hey. – I said.<br/>He looked at me.<br/>- You disappeared again. – he said, very seriously.<br/>- Yea.<br/>He slowly came to the iron bars. <br/>- Why are you doing this to me? – he asked quietly.<br/>- What?<br/>- You disappear and I don’t know if I will ever see you again.<br/>- I always come back. – I said. He was staring at me steadily. My heart beat faster. I put down his meal on a chair.<br/>- What now? – I asked.<br/>He stretched his arm through the bars and grabbed my clothes, pulled me close. He kissed me. I felt like a firework was going on inside my heart. Butterflies in my stomach. My heart wanted to jump out of my chest, it beat so strongly. I hugged him, he pulled me even closer.<br/>I fell in love with the devil.<br/>An alarm was flashing inside my mind. I should stop. I should stop. This is wrong. But I couldn’t…<br/>I don’t know when this happened. I haven’t been thinking about Daryl for a long time. I was worried when he was out in the storm, but my feelings were less intense.<br/> When I kissed him, he was so resistant. It didn’t feel good. But Negan… He kissed so passionately. He wanted me… But did he really?<br/>I pulled away, but he was still holding me in his arms. I looked into his eyes.<br/>- Are you serious about this? – I asked him. – Or you just haven’t seen women in a long time?<br/>- I could ask you the same question. You just need a dick? <br/>He was still holding me in his arms.<br/>- No. – I said. – I managed perfectly fine without… dicks.<br/>He laughed. <br/>- And what about Dixon?<br/>- He is out in the woods. Nothing.<br/>- What if he came back?<br/>- Nothing. He is not interested.<br/>- But are you still interested?<br/>- I don’t know… - I backed away slowly.<br/>He looked disappointed.<br/>I took a step back. I wanted to leave, but he grabbed my wrist again.<br/>- Don’t ever go away like that, without a word. <br/>- I’ll come back in the morning. – I told him. I looked into his eyes and got butterflies in my stomach again. He let go of my wrist and I left.<br/>My thoughts were about to explode. He kissed me.<br/>It was so strange to think about Daryl and feel almost like neutral.<br/>And it was even stranger to think about Negan this way. I had so many feelings inside, I thought I might explode. It felt like I was floating to my house. I didn’t know what I was feeling. It was different. When I was in love with Daryl I felt in a different way. Maybe it was more like a crush? Or is this a crush? No, I’m just messed up because he kissed me out of nowhere.<br/>When I lay down in my bed, I couldn’t sleep at first. <br/>I was thinking about how I first met him and he was just staring at the ceiling. When he started to speak to me. When he told me I was pretty. He mocked me too, which wasn’t nice, but then he changed. He became more and more friendly. He told me things about his wife and his life before the apocalypse. He regretted killing Abraham and Glenn. He was like a whole new person. And Carol was right about that we are all murderers. We all murdered living people since this shit started.<br/>I remember the first person I killed. We ran into each other in a grocery store. I was starving for days. He took the last canned food. I did it as fast and painless as I could. I stabbed through his heart. Then I got the canned food and I was crying all night.<br/>Negan killed people slowly and theatrically. I guess he wanted to maintain fear in order to rule.<br/>When I finally fell asleep, I was dreaming about everything that happened.<br/>I dreamed about how he hugged me when I had that panic attack during the storm. How we slept next to each other, I was leaning on his shoulder, he was holding my hand.<br/>And then today… He kissed me.<br/>I fell in love with the devil…</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author’s notes: Yes, sure you can listen to Avril’s “I fell in love with the devil” again. &lt;3 I’m listening to it all the time while I’m writing this. xD Thank You for reading! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Quinn suddenly feels scared of the situation. She doesn't know what to do.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Author’s note: This chapter’s song is “Take me Away” by Avril Lavigne. Listen before you start reading. ^^</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I fell asleep with love haze and I woke up to fear. I just can’t believe it… How can I be so stupid? Of course, no one can feel at will.<br/>But why him? Why Negan?<br/>Am I in love? Or is this just some kind of strange attraction?<br/>I wanted to bang my head against the wall. The whole situation was so unbelievable. <br/>I was scared too. What if Maggie finds out? Will she want to kill me too?<br/>I could understand her. I would definitely kill the lover of the man who murdered my husband. An eye for an eye. I buried my face into my hands. Is it worth it? <br/>I felt like I couldn't think straight. I couldn't breathe. What should I do? No one has control over their feelings. No one.<br/>How did I feel about Daryl? I wasn’t sure.<br/>I went out to tend to my garden, deep in thoughts. Michonne stepped next to me, I jumped a little, I got scared.  <br/>- Are you alright, Quinn? – she asked.<br/>- Ah, yes, sorry. I was just deep in thoughts.<br/>- I didn’t mean that. Sorry, I scared you, though. <br/>- It’s okay. – my heart almost jumped out. Does she suspect anything?<br/>- I mean, how are you? You don’t seem to be talking to anyone. <br/>- I never talk to anyone. Just Carol, but she moved to the Kingdom.<br/>- Wouldn’t it be better for you to follow her? You seem depressed lately.<br/>She wants to send me away? Then I’ll never be able to see Negan and find out what’s going on! I got scared. Also, she suspects something, but not the actual thing. <br/>- No, everything’s fine.<br/>She frowned her eyebrows.<br/>- Did something happen with Negan? Did he harm you in any way?<br/>- No, of course not. He is harmless. I mean since he is locked up. I’m just… scared.<br/>- Of what?<br/>- I don’t know. Maybe apocalypse depression. I could die tomorrow.<br/>I didn’t lie, actually I thought this, but the chances of me dying were higher since I fell in love with the devil.<br/>- Maybe you should talk to Gabriel or Siddiq about this.<br/>- No, I’m fine. Thank you for asking. – I smiled at her, like everything was fine and I didn’t fall in love with Negan.<br/>- Okay… - she nodded, but I could see it in her eyes she was suspecting something was going on. <br/>I thought I will ask her to come in, but I was afraid someone important like her wouldn’t have time, so I didn’t even bother her. It’s nice that she asked how I was, though. I smiled a little.<br/>I was going crazy. I talk to myself, I smile when no one’s around.<br/>I should bring Negan breakfast. But I was too embarrassed to go down there. He must be hungry…<br/>I sighed and went inside to prepare his meal.<br/>I stopped on the street for a moment. I took a deep breath. I didn’t know what to expect from him.<br/>I went down, my hands were shaking.<br/>He leapt to his feet when he saw me, came right to the iron bars.<br/>- Hey. – he said with a wide smile. How could he be so handsome? Murderers should be ugly. It’s a crime already.<br/>- Hi. – I said and handed him his breakfast. I think he noticed my hands were shaking when he took the plate.<br/>- Are you alright? – he asked with an impish look. He definitely knew I was shaking because of him. What an asshole. I wanted to turn around, to run away. I felt awkward, so I did exactly that.<br/>I heard him giggle as I left.<br/>It was so embarrassing. I felt like a thirteen-year-old girl. Of course, I had boyfriends before, but not after this shit started. I didn’t know what to do, how to act. It was comfortable that I could ran away, because he was locked. I should behave like an adult. I took deep breathes, then I went back down.<br/>He was sitting on his bed, eating. He smiled when he saw me come back.<br/>- Do not say a word. – I said. He was just giggling. I rolled my eyes.<br/>- You are so cute, you know. – he said, still smiling.<br/>- I said don’t say anything.<br/>- Don’t worry. I don’t bite.<br/>- Bet you do.<br/>He was laughing again. He finished his meal and came to the bars, gave back the plate.<br/>- Your hands are not shaking. – he pointed out.<br/>- They weren’t shaking.<br/>- Yea, they were. – he took my hand and caressed it. I felt my face was turning red. He smiled widely, I was looking at the ceiling and the walls anything but him. He is such a handsome devil. Finally, I looked at him.<br/>- What? – I asked. He shrugged his shoulder.<br/>- Do you wanna talk about it?<br/>- No. – I said no so fast I surprised myself.<br/>He frowned his eyebrows, stopped caressing my hand. He thought I was playing with him.<br/>- I meant it. – I said quickly. He continued caressing my hand.<br/>- Then why…?<br/>- Why did you kiss me? – I finally said it. I looked him in the eye. He seemed to be embarrassed.<br/>- Just… why not? – he said laughing nervously it wasn’t believable at all.<br/>- I’m scared. Of Maggie. – I said.<br/>He looked at me seriously.<br/>- I understand. – he let go of my hand and backed away from the bars. <br/>- We can’t do this… I don’t want them to kill you. Michonne already asked me in the morning if I wanted to go after Carol and move to the Kingdom… If someone finds out… Maybe we will never see each other again.<br/>He turned his back on me as I was talking to him. He looked at the ceiling, his hands in his pocket.<br/>- Then go. It will be suspicious if you stayed down here for so long.<br/>I nodded my head and left. <br/>He was right.<br/>And I knew he knew I was right.<br/>I breathed heavily. Just as I got back to my house I started to cry. I collapsed, sat down on the floor.<br/>Carol is right, he is right and I’m right.<br/>This won’t work out. And now he is disappointed in me.<br/>I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know how I felt. I was scared. For his life and my own. I didn’t know what to do. Maybe, I should stay away from him…</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author’s notes: Listen to “Let you love me” by Rita Ora. :(</p><p> Thank You for reading! &lt;3 :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Quinn still doesn't know what to do, she starts to fell in love with Negan, but she is scared of Michonne and Maggie.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Author’s notes: Happy New Year to You! I hope you had a nice Christmas. &lt;3 I’m glad you are still here… Sorry for disappearing, but I realised at Christmas, that some intense scenes are coming in the following chapters and they aren’t really Christmas friendly… I didn’t want to depress you during a lovely holiday, so here we are, you can get sad now. :D Sorry, that’s not my intention, but the show must go on. 😊 Let’s not waste another word. &lt;3<br/>Song to listen: “Paralyzed” by Against the Current. Listen before reading. &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I gave Negan lunch and dinner without looking at each other, without saying a word. I couldn’t sleep that night. <br/>Thoughts were racing through my mind.<br/>I knew it was forbidden, but I left my house at night.<br/>I saw Eugene was the guard this time. My house was close to the front gate.<br/>- Hey! – he said, warningly. Of course, he noticed me.<br/>- Sorry! I know I shouldn’t be out here. – I said.<br/>- That is exactly right. – he said seriously.<br/>I went up to him to the lookout post, he was looking at me like I was an alien.<br/>- Sorry. I can’t sleep. – I wiped my red, puffy eyes. Eugene frowned his eyebrows. – Sorry, I’m Quinn.<br/>- I know you.<br/>- You do?<br/>- Well, you don’t talk much, but you were with us for a long time.<br/>- Yeah, I don’t talk much…<br/>- May I state that you are in deep depression?<br/>- I noticed, but thanks.<br/>- Do you want to talk about it? <br/>I laughed sarcastically.<br/>- I rather not. – he looked disappointed. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings rejecting his kindness. – Sorry, I didn’t mean that way. My problem is minor and ridiculous.<br/>- I get it, you don’t want to talk about it with someone you barely know.<br/>- That’s not it. I don’t even know anyone. The people I knew are already dead. Carol is my only friend.<br/>- Then why don’t you go after her?<br/>Got’cha, I talk before I think again… Smart one. Now I have to make up something that keeps me here, so Eugene won’t figure it out. But then I realised he was living with Negan for some time, so I guess a half-truth might satisfy him.<br/>- I have to feed Negan. No one wants to do that and I don’t mind.<br/>He frowned his eyebrows again. <br/>- You choose to feed a murderer over being with your only friend?<br/>I sighed.<br/>- I’m awkward, I know.<br/>- About awkwardness, I know a lot.<br/>- I guess I’m just lonely. I can’t talk to anyone.<br/>- Well, we are talking right now.<br/>I wish I could talk to you… I wish I could tell you everything. Maybe I could? He managed to deceive Negan, so he can keep secrets, I guess… But no. He might tell Michonne. Or Rosita, who tells Michonne. I sighed again. <br/>- I confessed my love to Daryl Dixon two years ago. And it just came to my mind and made me depressed again. – well, that was half true, but it wasn’t the reason of my depression.<br/>The face Eugene made was priceless. <br/>- You did what? – he asked. I started to laugh, I couldn’t stand it.<br/>- Yeah. I know you are in love with Rosita, so I guess we are in the same boat.<br/>- How do you know that? – his face went red.<br/>- Come on. Everyone knows that. But it’s okay. I guess we could start a club. <br/>He made a strange face again.<br/>- Guess not… I told you I’m awkward. – I said.<br/>- Well… You are. – he said finally.<br/>I nodded my head and left, giggling.<br/>The moment when you realise you are more awkward than Eugene.<br/>He doesn’t see Negan’s cell from his guarding post. Maybe I could… peek a little?<br/>The cell was on my way to my house so…<br/>I stopped by his window. He was lying on his bed, but… he was awake. I gasped.<br/>- Stalking much? – he said, with a faint smile.<br/>- Sorry. About what I said…<br/>- Don’t be, you were right.<br/>- You can’t sleep?<br/>- As you see.<br/>I looked around and I saw no one. Not even Eugene. The post was for looking out for danger from outside the walls, not the ones inside. I slipped through the door and went down to his cell. He looked at me surprised, sat up on his bed. I was looking him in the eye.<br/>- When did this happen? – I asked. My sudden bravery surprised me too.<br/>- What? – he asked.<br/>- I don’t remember feeling anything for you and now… I mean… You know.<br/>He stood up, came to the bars slowly. It was a full moon outside, so I could see him clearly in the moonlight that came through the window.<br/>- Do you have feelings for me? – he asked with a half-smile. He came to the iron bars and leant against it. He was close to me.<br/>- I guess… I do. – I said. What the hell I was doing? I felt butterflies in my stomach. My heart beat faster.<br/>- And what about Dixon? You said you didn’t know.<br/>- I know now.<br/>- So what? – he asked. Oh, how pompous he was! He wanted me to confess to him, but that won’t happen.<br/>Now it was my turn. I stepped to him and kissed him on his lips. He didn’t pull away. He kissed back immediately. His hand was on the back of my neck. After a while I slowly backed away. I looked him in the eye. He didn’t say a word, just stared at me.<br/>- I’m still scared for your life. – I whispered. – And I don’t want to feel these things.<br/>I saw sadness in his eyes, but still he nodded.<br/> - I get it. – he said. – We shouldn’t do this.<br/>His expression turned very serious suddenly. He took a step back.<br/>- You should go.<br/>I nodded my head and left.<br/>I went to my house and back to my bed. I didn’t want to hurt him. I was hurting myself at the same time as well.<br/>Why was he awake? Is he always or just tonight?<br/>It would warm my heart to know if he was awake because of me. But that was just illusion. I managed to fall asleep somehow. I can’t remember what I dreamed about.<br/>The next day I went down to him. Breakfast, lunch, he didn’t say a word. Didn’t even look at me. When I brought him dinner I asked:<br/>- You won’t talk to me anymore?<br/>He looked at me slowly, his expression changed. <br/>- What should I say?<br/>- I don’t know. You were always talking about something.<br/>- I don’t want to talk right now.<br/>- But… I thought…<br/>He leapt to his feet suddenly and came to the bars.<br/>- I just wanted to trick you into having sex with me! But you are such a frigid bitch, you are useless! – he seemed angry and serious. Almost like the first time he yelled at me, when I asked him to wash himself. I started to tremble. I didn’t notice, but tears were rolling down my cheeks. I left immediately.<br/>I was crying all night. Next day I put down his meals and left as fast as I could, without even looking at him.<br/>I thought we had a connection. I thought he felt something too when he calmed me down during the storm.<br/>Maybe it’s better this way. We won’t get killed. But I won’t be happy either.<br/>And I was deeply disappointed.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author’s notes: I know you know what’s next… :D <br/>“I knew you were trouble” by Taylor Swift. Thank You for reading! &lt;3</p><p>PS.: I would like to ask You to leave opinions, especially if you don’t like something, because I’m practicing and I would like to learn from my mistakes. Also, English is not my first language, so feel free to correct me or leave opinion on my English too. Thank You! &lt;3 (By the way, that’s why I indicate dialogues in a different way, with a dash, because we use this in my country. I realised it’s not this way in English books, so I will write my other fanfictions with quotation marks, but I will continue this one with the dashes, because it would hurt my eyes just to change it from one chapter to another.) Thank You for being here and reading! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Quinn is confused and scared, she doesn't know what to think anymore.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Author’s notes: Listen to “I hate everything about you” by Three Days Grace. Since it shows Quinn’s feelings, I recommend listening to a female cover, like the one by Violet Orlandi on YT</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Days passed like this. Weeks.<br/>I gave him food without even looking at each other.<br/>I caught Judith talking to him regularly.<br/>One day I was gardening, when she approached me.<br/>- Hi! – she greeted me.<br/>- Hi! – I stood up and looked at her. – What’s up?<br/>She seemed to be thinking very hard.<br/>- I think Negan’s sad.<br/>- No, he’s just tired of being in the cell.<br/>She seemed to think about this for a moment.<br/>- I don’t think that’s the problem. He was funny before, but lately… I know I shouldn’t talk to him but he is funny and now he is not… I think he is sad because of you.<br/>- Why? He doesn’t like the food I bring?<br/>- He likes that so much, he always says you cook very well.<br/>- Are you two talking about me?<br/>She came closer to me.<br/>- I know. – she said. What the hell? She can’t be talking about that. What does she know? She came even closer.<br/>- I know you and Negan are in love. – she whispered.<br/>I started to laugh nervously.<br/>- What are you talking about?<br/>- I heard you talking. And Negan was reacting just like this when I told him.<br/>I froze.<br/>- Did you tell your mom?<br/>- No. I don’t want to cause trouble. But I think you should do something, because Negan is so sad.<br/>- Hey, I’m so sad, because he hurt my feelings. He should do something. But he won’t. He isn’t in love.<br/>I continued it in my head: he just wanted to have sex, because he has been locked up for so long. <br/>- Just talk to him.<br/>- Tell him that too. <br/>- I did.<br/>She said, then left. What the hell? A little girl manages my love life? I mean my non-existent love life. I sighed. I prepared Negan his lunch and went down.<br/>I had to force myself to look at him. He was lying on his bed. He didn’t come to the iron bars anymore.<br/>- Did Judith talk to you, too? – I asked him.<br/>- Yes.<br/>That’s it. Talkative.<br/>- She said I should talk to you…<br/>- You don’t have to, if you don’t want to.<br/>My face went red.<br/>- Actually, I wanted…<br/>He looked at me, sat up on the bed.<br/>- You should have a haircut and your beard is getting messy again… - I improvised while my face went even more red. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about what happened. He nodded and I hurried back to my house to get the blade and scissors.<br/>I couldn’t trust him anymore. I hurried down to the cell so I can shave him fast and leave again.<br/>- Can you come here so I can tie your hands? – I asked, while looking at the key in my hand.<br/>He came to the bars and stretched out his hands. I tied him, then I went into the cell, locked it behind me. Negan sat down on his bed. I started to cut his beard. My face was so close to his.<br/>When I started, he was looking out the window, but after a while he started to look at me. I looked into his brown eyes, then I continued shaving his face. He was devilishly handsome.<br/>We didn’t say a word. <br/>I cut his hair too. When I finished, I went out, locked the cell, then untied his hands through the bars. I left without a word.<br/>Judith was waiting for me at my garden.<br/>- Did you talk to him?<br/>- Not really. He didn’t want to.<br/>- He told me you can’t be together because it’s dangerous, but I think my mom starts to care about Negan less. Also, they say Maggie is thinking about leaving. You two are both sad and I want you to be happy. No one deserves to be sad.<br/>- You are a little angel. Don’t tell your mom, okay?<br/>- Okay… - she sighed and left.<br/>Maggie wants to leave? And Daryl is out in the woods. And Judith said Michonne doesn’t care about Negan. Maybe…?<br/>The more I thought about it, the more sense it made. Negan was rude to me to make me stay away, so we won’t be in danger. It’s not possible that he didn’t feel anything.<br/>I just realised that. I know, I’m stupid… Or just lost.<br/>And now that nobody cares about him maybe, it’s not dangerous?<br/>I prepared his dinner fast and stormed down to his cell.<br/>He was sitting on his bed. I entered his cell and locked it behind me.<br/>- Don’t tell me you didn’t feel anything! <br/>- Well, I’m a man… I feel things…<br/>- Stop this asshole attitude! I know you did it to keep me away! Maggie is thinking about leaving! Daryl is in the woods! Michonne is giving a shit about you! I want you to tell me right now, you didn’t feel anything!<br/>He stood up slowly and took a couple of steps towards me.<br/>- Tell me you didn’t feel anything when I stuck here because of the storm! Tell me, you didn’t feel anything when you kissed me!<br/>- I did feel something.<br/>- Besides a boner?<br/>He smiled, but didn’t answer. I was furious.<br/>- Why did you even kiss me?! – I was almost yelling at him.<br/>He noticed it and made a movement with his hand to hush me.<br/>- Don’t be so loud. Someone might hear. – he said.<br/>I was looking at him furiously, waiting for the answer.<br/>He sighed.<br/>- It doesn’t matter if I feel anything. We can’t be together. You were right, it’s dangerous.<br/>- Then why did you kiss me?! I don’t take that bullshit anymore that you wanted to trick me into having sex!<br/>He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He started pacing with his hands in his pocket.<br/>- Please, don’t do this… - he said quietly.<br/>I nodded my head, turned around and left his cell.<br/>- Enjoy your meal. – I said and left. He opened his mouth to say something, but then he closed it.<br/>I couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry.<br/>He did feel something, but now he was so resistant. I don’t understand. What the hell is wrong with him? What the hell is wrong with me? Probably I should forget about that stormy night and those two kisses. Like they never happened.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author’s notes: Here it comes, I love this song: “Behind these hazel eyes” by Kelly Clarkson. Thank You for reading! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Quinn is still upset because of Negan and she gets an unexpected visitor as well.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Author’s notes: For this chapter I would like to recommend “Perfect Illusion” by Lady Gaga. Start listening when you reach this part: “I looked at him fiercely…” </p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next day I was gardening so angrily, Judith stopped by and looked curiously.<br/>- So, you talked to him. – she said.<br/>- Don’t even remind me. He is… a horrible person. – I said angrily. I wasn’t angry at Judith of course and she knew that.<br/>- I think I can help you.<br/>- Don’t do anything, sweetie, you shouldn’t be talking to him either. Your mom will be angry.<br/>- I know, I know. – she sighed, rolling her eyes. <br/>- By the way, how do you know that Maggie is about to leave? – I asked her.<br/>- I heard Aaron and Siddiq talking, but mom doesn’t know.<br/>- Okay, I get it. Thank you for helping, honey.<br/>Michonne appeared out of nowhere. I hope she didn’t hear anything.<br/>- Come on Judith, you have history lesson. Hi, Quinn! – she said.<br/>- Hi! – I greeted her too.<br/>- Coming. – said Judith and left.<br/>---<br/>We haven’t talked since that night I yelled at him. Which was two months ago. I brought him dinner. We looked at each other for a moment, then I left again without a word.<br/>I felt like I could explode. I was still mad at him. Why did he kiss me if he didn’t want anything? He didn’t think about the consequences? I was so angry.<br/>I hated myself for feeling this. I don’t want to love him. I felt like I could punch someone, so, I did.<br/>I went out into the woods, found some walkers. I picked up a log and punched one so hard its face shattered. My hands were covered in dead blood.<br/>I felt like someone was watching me. I looked around but I couldn’t see anyone. Not dead, nor living. When I finally calmed down a little, I headed back to Alexandria.<br/>I washed my hands in the rainwater I gathered earlier. I sighed.<br/>I was gardening the whole afternoon, then I brought dinner for Negan. He was sitting on his bed, reading something.<br/>When I was about to head upstairs, he said:<br/>- How long are we going to do this?<br/>I looked at him.<br/>- Do what? – I returned the question. We stared at each other for a long moment. I nodded my head, and wanted to leave, but then he slapped the book on his bed angrily, leapt to his feet and came to the bars.<br/>- Enough of this! – he said. I turned to him, looked him in the eye angrily.<br/>- What?! – I asked. – I don’t do anything!<br/>- I’m tired of this bullshit! Get someone else who brings me food! <br/>- No one wants to feed you, because you murdered their friends. – I said through gritted teeth.<br/>- Then why do you want?!<br/>- Because I have nothing to lose! <br/>He looked at me angrily. <br/>- Ask that Jesus freak to do it then!<br/>He didn’t want to see me anymore. I nodded my head and left. <br/>It was getting dark outside. I went to my house but I felt again if someone was watching me. I looked around and I saw Daryl leaning against the wall of my house on my porch. I gasped.<br/>- What are you doing here? – I asked. I quickly wiped away the tears off my face.<br/>- Hey. – he said, nodding his head slightly. His crossbow on his shoulder. He took a step towards me. – Can I come in?<br/>I shrugged my shoulder.<br/>- Sure. – I opened the door and let him in. It was extremely strange. What the hell is he doing here? And why was I not feeling anything? <br/>He walked into the living room, put down the crossbow and turned to me.<br/>- I was talking to Carol. She told me something.<br/>My eyes widened. What the actual fuck?! Carol told Daryl that I fell in love with Negan?! Why would she do that?! I started to feel uneasy, then I realized… I got scared.<br/>- You… you came to kill me? – I asked. My voice was shaking. Now Daryl made a surprised face.<br/>- What? No. Why would you think that?<br/>- Because… Nevermind… Why are you here? – I asked, my voice still shaking.<br/>- Quinn, I’m not gonna hurt ya. – he said showing me his hands, that he has no weapon. Well, you did hurt me for long years, I thought. But that wasn’t his fault, it was mine. <br/> -Why are you here? – I asked again this time a little more confidently.<br/>- Is it true? That you fell in love with Negan? – he asked.<br/>I was right. Carol told him. My only friend betrayed me.<br/>- She… she betrayed me. – I said through gritted teeth, tears in my eyes because of anger and disappointment.<br/>- No one betrayed you. Carol was worried. She asked me to check on you.<br/>- Why didn’t she come? She… - I knew the answer as soon as I asked it. She sent Daryl because she thought if I talk to him, maybe I will get distracted from Negan, start feeling something when I see Daryl or something like that. I held my forehead, I closed my eyes. Tears rolled down my cheek.<br/>- Look, I know I was a jerk to you. I know I should have noticed how you felt… but I… I don’t think about… romance… ever. – he said it like he was thinking hard about each word or it caused him pain to say that.<br/>- This has nothing to do with you, Daryl! – I said irritably.<br/>- I know I said you should find someone better than me, but that’s bullshit! – he said. – You can’t be in love with that bastard!<br/>♪ I looked at him fiercely with tears in my eyes because of anger.<br/>- You have nothing to do with this. – I repeated myself through gritted teeth. He took a step towards me awkwardly. <br/>- Don’t do this, Quinn. – he said. Negan said exactly the same thing. <br/>- What am I doing that everyone says this to me?! I don’t do anything! <br/>I took a step back.<br/>- I’m sorry. – he said. – I wish I had feelings for you, but… I still care about you… like family.<br/>- This was Carol’s idea, wasn’t it? The whole thing. You thought if you come here and talk to me, I would forget about Negan? – I asked yelling at him. – I know you have zero feelings for me, Daryl!! How could you think that I would fall for this trick?! – I was so furious I could punch him in the face. But I didn’t. I took a deep breath instead. His face couldn’t be read. Maybe he didn’t know that was Carol’s plan, he just came to talk to me.<br/>- I’m sorry. – he said. – You are right about everything. But I thought about what you said back in the forest, and I thought… I felt like I owe you.<br/>- You don’t owe me anything, I was a fool, but it’s over! <br/>- But you can’t be in love with Negan! – he raised his voice just a bit.<br/>- I didn’t choose this! – I was crying. – Okay? I didn’t want to feel this. I didn’t want to fell in love with you and I didn’t want to fell in love with him! It just happened!<br/>- But he killed Glenn and Abraham and many of our people! – now he raised his voice too.<br/>- I KNOW! – I shouted. – But… he is changing! At least I thought… Whatever it’s not important because he rejected me! Just like you did!<br/>I sat down on the couch, sobbing quietly. Someone knocked on the door. Great. We were yelling too loudly. Daryl opened the door.<br/>- Hello… - it was Eugene. – What’s going on? Were you yelling at each other?<br/>He was surprised that Daryl opened the door. He saw me crying. <br/>- Quinn, are you alright? – he asked. <br/>- Get lost, Eugene. – said Daryl and slammed the door. Poor Eugene. I will apologise to him later.<br/>- You are an asshole. – I told Daryl.<br/>- Whatever. So, you won’t let go of that bastard?<br/>- Just leave me alone. I told you in the forest that I will never bring this up to you again. So, I’m expecting you to do the same. I wouldn’t think you would humiliate me like this!<br/>- I didn’t want to… that wasn’t… - he stopped talking. He sighed.<br/>- I know you are in love with Carol. Are we even now?<br/>He suddenly grabbed his crossbow and turned around to leave, but he stopped at the door. He looked back at me.<br/>- Take care. – he said, and left. I was sobbing even harder. A couple of years ago I would dream about this happening, Daryl coming into my living room, but Negan ruined this too. <br/>I wouldn’t think Daryl would do this. He does everything Carol tells him to do. <br/>At least now I know for sure, that I don’t feel anything for him anymore. Just anger and disappointment.<br/>I wiped my face and went out. I had to find Eugene. I owe him an apology.<br/>I knocked on his door, he opened it.<br/>- May I come in? – I asked, my voice cracking.<br/>- Of course. <br/>I stepped in.<br/>- I’m so sorry about earlier. Daryl is a jerk. I wanted to let you in.<br/>- I’m used to this kind of treatment here.<br/>- You shouldn’t be. <br/>- So… Do you want to tell me what happened?<br/>I gulped… What else could I lose? I have no friends, I’m humiliated, I’m broken, I’m sad and angry…<br/>- We were arguing, because Carol sent Daryl to trick me, so he would distract me from… Negan.<br/>Eugene’s eyes widened.<br/>- You mean…?<br/>- Yes, I fell in love with Negan.<br/>- Who else knows? – he asked.<br/>- Well… I told Carol, who told Daryl and Negan told Judith.<br/>- That’s quite a lot of people to know a secret.<br/>- It won’t be a secret anymore. But I don’t care. I feel so miserable I would rather die. <br/>- Don’t say that. We can’t control who we fall in love with.<br/>- Yea, we just know that too well, right?<br/>- Right…<br/>I suddenly heard a noise. Yelling? Eugene heard it too.<br/>- And what’s that supposed to be? – he asked. We ran out the front door.<br/>We didn’t see anything on the streets. <br/>- I think it’s coming from down there. – said Eugene pointing at Negan’s basement cell. We hurried there. Daryl was down there.<br/>- I should just kill you now. – said Daryl viciously.<br/>- You harmed her for years and humiliated her! You know that she was crying for months after you met in the forest?! – Negan yelled at him.<br/>- You have no business with that! – said Daryl angrily. – If you look at her, I’ll kill you! How could you trick her to fall in love with you?!<br/>- Trick her?! I didn’t do anything! It just happened!<br/>- Stop! – I yelled at them. Eugene was waiting outside. He didn’t want to meet Negan. - I’m so fucking tired of this!! Daryl, just go back to the forest and don’t talk to me ever again. – I told him. He was pacing at Negan’s cell like a pissed off lion. He looked at me nodded his head, then glared viciously at Negan and left.<br/>I looked at Negan. We looked at each other in the eye for a long minute.<br/>- And you… - I said quietly. – Just go to hell.<br/>I turned around and left.<br/>I stormed out. Eugene joined me.<br/>- What was that? – he asked.<br/>- I told them to go to hell. I’m so tired of this. I’m going to visit Carol tomorrow.<br/>- I think you shouldn’t. Gabriel is busy. He can’t feed Negan.<br/>- And I guess you won’t do the honours.<br/>- I would rather not.<br/>I nodded my head.<br/>- Thank you for listening, but I didn’t want to bother you with this bullshit. Just forget about the whole thing. And please don’t tell anyone. <br/>- I think it’s too late for that. – he said looking behind me. I turned around and I saw Michonne standing right there.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author’s notes: Listen to: “Russian roulette” by Rihanna. Thank You for reading! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Quinn talks to Michonne about Negan and the consequences.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I found myself in Michonne’s living room, tears rolling down my cheeks.<br/>- Are you going to do it or what? – I asked her.<br/>- Do what? – she asked confused.<br/>- Just be quick. – I said and closed my eyes tight.<br/>- I won’t kill you. – said Michonne. I opened my eyes. She was looking at me like I was an idiot. Of course, I was.<br/>- You won’t?<br/>- No! How could you think that? Just… calm down first, okay? All I want is to talk to you. – she said soothingly, while she sat next to me on the couch.<br/>I took a deep breath and wiped away my tears. She started to stroke my back.<br/>- Calm down. – she said. – How could you think that I would kill you? In my living room? While my kids are sleeping upstairs?<br/>- Sorry. I can’t think straight.<br/>- Okay. So, what’s this thing about?<br/>I took a deep breath again. I told her the whole story about Daryl and how he and Carol deceived me then I told everything about Negan.<br/>- So, the night of the storm. Feels like I’m the one who put you in this misery. Maybe if I don’t send you back to the cell… - she said.<br/>- It’s not your fault. Not anyone’s. Probably it would have happened anyway, eventually.<br/>- I just don’t understand… Are you out of your mind?? I’m still having nightmares about that night when he… when he… - she stood up, started pacing. Obviously, she was thinking about Glenn and Abraham.<br/>- I know, I’m so sorry. I can’t tell how deeply sorry I am. – I stood up too.<br/>- How can you love him?! <br/>- I’m not even sure I love him… It’s all confusing.<br/>She took a deep breath, then exhaled it slowly. <br/>- You can’t be happy with him. You know that, don’t you? He won’t come out of the cell, ever. It was Carl’s and Rick’s wish. He stays alive, but in the prison, so he can see that he was wrong about everything.<br/>- He already knows that… - I said quietly.<br/>- What? – asked Michonne in a demanding voice, I felt like I said something wrong.<br/>- Nothing. You are right. I know.<br/>Michonne sighed and stepped closer to me, caressed my cheek.<br/>- I’m so sorry you had to go through this, Quinn. – she said so soothingly, I almost felt calm. Almost.<br/>- It’s all my fault. I always fall in love with the wrong guy. – I smiled sadly. Michonne smiled sadly too.<br/>- I don’t want to do this to you, Quinn… but I have to make a decision. – she said seriously.<br/>I looked at her desperately. She continued.<br/>- I have to ask you, to move to the Kingdom. Go, be with Carol. She will help you get through this. You said she was your only friend.<br/>- A friend, who betrayed me.<br/>- Sounded like she wanted to help you, to distract you from Negan. And I’m doing the same thing. <br/>Felt like my heart fell out of my chest. I completely understood her point. She was right. I nodded my head, tears started to roll down my cheeks again. Michonne hugged me, stroked my back.<br/>– You can pack your stuff tomorrow and leave. – she said quietly.<br/>- Can I… at least… say goodbye to him? – I asked, swallowing back my tears.<br/>- I think, I can let you do that. - she said, nodding. From the corner of my eye, I spotted Judith, listening at the top of the stairs.<br/>I looked at Michonne, nodded my head and turned around to leave.<br/>- I still don’t understand how could you think that I would kill you. We didn’t even kill Negan who did so much worse things.<br/>Looking back, it really sounds stupid. But at the same time, I’m pretty sure Maggie wouldn’t be so understanding.<br/>Michonne sighed.<br/>- Don’t ever think again that I would kill you. – she said.<br/>- Thank you. – I said quietly and left.<br/>Eugene was waiting outside.<br/>- Are you still here? – I asked him.<br/>- Oh great, I’m glad you are alive.<br/>- She wants me to move to the Kingdom.<br/>- That’s logical.<br/>- I know. Feelings are not logical.<br/>- I can’t debate that.<br/>- Thank you for being kind to me. – I said.<br/>- Well, I was hoping to get a new friend, but I guess it’s a fast goodbye.<br/>- You are my friend, Eugene. – I smiled at him. – Good night.<br/>- Good night. – he stopped for a moment. Turned to me again. – Take care, Quinn. You’ll get through this. You are strong.<br/>I smiled sadly and shook my head. He nodded and left me on the street.<br/>I took some deep breathes, then I headed to Negan’s cell. This will be the last time I see him.<br/>I stopped and took some deep breaths again. When I got closer, I saw him at the window, grabbing the iron bars on it, staring at me. We looked each other in the eye for a long minute, I saw worry in his eyes. I went down to his cell.<br/>- What happened? – he asked, came to the bars immediately. My face must have looked terrible after crying so much.<br/>I sighed, looked him in the eye.<br/>- Michonne sent me away. I have to move to the Kingdom. You backed away anyway, so I don’t expect anything from you. I just came to say goodbye.<br/>He took my hand, started to caress it. I wiped away a couple of tears again.<br/>- I didn’t want this. – he said quietly, staring at me steadily.<br/>- I know you didn’t want anything. I have bad luck with guys, I guess.<br/>- I didn’t mean that. I mean I didn’t want to cause you pain. And I didn’t want you to leave. I know how much you suffered because of Dixon, I never wanted to hurt you like that.<br/>- Well, you managed.<br/>I took my hand away, but he grabbed it again.<br/>- Come in. – he said.<br/>- What?<br/>- Come into the cell.<br/>I hesitated. He pulled me closer and took the key out of my pocket. He was looking into my eyes while he took it, then he opened the cell, pulled me in and locked it again. He was holding my hand. <br/>- I’m sorry I said terrible things to you. I wanted to push you away. That was the only reason. I didn’t want to get you into trouble.<br/>- Whatever, it doesn’t matter now… Maybe we won’t see each other ever again. Don’t make it even harder.<br/>He put his finger under my chin and made me look at him.<br/>- I fell in love with you, Quinn. I’m sorry. – he said, then slowly kissed me. This was the saddest kiss I have ever had. I hugged him tightly. That one kiss felt like it was stuck in time and continued forever. <br/>After a while, I slowly backed away.<br/>- I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t understand you. – I said quietly.<br/>- You don’t have to. Just know that I will do anything to get out of here and find you.<br/>- What happened to the frigid bitch thing? – I asked, smiling sadly.<br/>- For fuck’s sake… - he sighed angrily, but he wasn’t angry with me this time, he was angry with himself. - You know that I didn’t mean that, I wanted to scare you away.<br/>- Yeah, yeah… So, what has changed? You are acting like a completely different person. – I told him. This Romeo attitude didn’t really seem like him.<br/>- I just realised how much time we wasted being angry with each other. And I regret it. All of it. – Negan looked sincere this time, just like when he helped me during the storm. I frowned my eyebrows. He was looking me in the eye the entire time, I felt he was telling the truth. He loves me.<br/>- You promise? To get out and find me. – I asked him. I needed to hear.<br/>- I promise. -  he looked very serious. - I will do whatever it takes to earn their trust, so I can be free.<br/>I nodded my head. I sighed.<br/>- Just… don’t die. – I said and started to back away. I let go of his hand, turned around opened the cell and stepped out. I locked it back. He came to the bars and looked me in the eye. I could watch him forever. <br/>- Goodbye. – I said and left. When I got out, I heard him kicking his bed and cursing. My tears started to fall again. I ran to my house. I was sobbing while I packed my stuff. The sun was about to rise. I left immediately, without sleeping.<br/>I ran to the road while dawn was breaking.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author’s notes: Listen to “Goodbye” by Avril Lavigne. Thank You for reading! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Quinn is on her way to the Kingdom.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>WARNING! This chapter contains a suicide scene! Skip it if you don’t want to read it, I’ll start the next chapter with a short summary! (The suicide scene is only towards the end of the chapter, I will indicate it with a random exclamation point, so you can read till that point safely.) Read my note at the end, too!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I was on my way to the Kingdom. Tears pouring down my cheeks. <br/>I can’t believe he said that… Negan is in love with me. He promised he would do anything to get out of the cell and be with me. <br/>I felt like it was too much for me. I was walking very, very slowly towards the Kingdom. <br/>I don’t know what was going on with me. Maybe I wanted Daryl so much, because I wanted something to live for. A reason. <br/>But everything changed.<br/>Daryl was just a crush. A huge crush.<br/>I don’t even know anymore what it was. It was real, but I loved Negan in a different way.<br/>He was different.<br/>I still felt his kiss on my lips.<br/>I think I really fell in love with him.<br/>But then, everything was pointless.<br/>I think I volunteered to feed him, because I had nothing to lose.<br/>I was thinking about everything at the same time. Memories flashed inside my head.<br/>I had two boyfriends before the apocalypse. <br/>The first one cheated on me. <br/>The second said he didn’t love me anymore so we should go separate ways. Two days later he had a new girlfriend. <br/>Feels like I’m cursed.<br/>I was a secretary. Typing all day, making coffee. A completely useless knowledge nowadays.<br/>Then came the apocalypse. I don’t even know how I managed to survive. I was living alone. I packed everything that seemed useful, knives, scissors, canned food. I remember I was even carrying a pack of mineral water for a week. Then I was raiding stores, sleeping on trees. I had a rope, I tied myself to the trees. Somehow, I found Woodbury. Tara was in my class at high school, but we never really talked to each other. She was the only familiar face in Woodbury. So, I stayed, then I followed her when I found out what the Governor did. Tara didn’t really give a shit about me back then. We were only saying hi to each other. <br/>I remember joining Rick at the prison. There were so many people suddenly, no one noticed me. I became friends with Carol, because I volunteered to help her out with household chores. Daryl always appeared around her. I noticed something was going on between them, but I couldn’t help it, eventually I started to have a crush on him. He was so handsome and brave and heroic. Carol noticed it immediately and teased me about him every time he showed up. <br/>Then the prison fell. I stayed with Carol all along, when she was banished by Rick for killing sick people, to save everybody else. I helped her blow up Terminus, then we re-joined Rick. I had a heartache when I saw Daryl’s reaction, when he first reunited with Carol. It was so obvious. <br/>I was just invisible. No one greeted me like that. Rick and Tara greeted me, but then I didn’t really talk to anyone. <br/>I came to Alexandria with them, too.<br/>The Governor was worse or Negan? Definitely the Governor, because he was going crazy. Negan seemed to be sane all along.<br/>No, Negan wasn’t crazy. He was actually very smart.<br/>But he still won’t get out of his cell. <br/>And I won’t see him ever again. <br/>It was almost morning. I was walking very slowly.<br/>I wanted to count how many people I killed. I mean living. I couldn’t tell. Maybe around… twenty?</p><p>!</p><p>Why was my life more important than others’?<br/>Especially, I felt miserable all the time. Feels like I don’t deserve my life. <br/>I have nothing to live for.<br/>…<br/>…<br/>My head was suddenly empty. All the memories and thoughts vanished. <br/>I hold onto this one thought.<br/>I have nothing to live for. <br/>I have nothing to live for…<br/>Why am I alive at all?<br/>I stopped. <br/>I looked at my hands, like they weren’t mine.<br/>I pulled out my knife, slowly.<br/>I was looking at the blade…<br/>I was playing with the blade…<br/>I touched the sharp edge, with one finger. Traced it along.<br/>I had nothing to live for…<br/>I put it on my wrist.<br/>…<br/>I stopped.<br/>But he said he will do anything to get out of the cell. To be with me.<br/>What were the chances? <br/>Michonne hates him deeply. She wouldn’t let him out, not in a thousand years.<br/>Maybe it will be better this way…<br/>I cut my wrist…<br/>I watched blood pouring.<br/>Some would think how stupid I am. How can I feel this, how can I do this because of a guy? I didn’t do it because of Negan. I didn’t do it because of Daryl. <br/>I did it, because everything was too much for me. The glass of my life was getting filled with depression, until it overpoured. I was depressed even before the apocalypse and I think I carried it with me, like a baggage. And everything became even worse. <br/>I was scared and lonely. I was alone for so long, when I get together with people, I didn’t feel them around me. It was like I was still all alone.<br/>I guess it was just too much.<br/>I couldn’t handle anymore.<br/>My depression. <br/>Because of guys, because of apocalypse. Because of everything. Because of constant fear.<br/>The forest around me started to become blurry.<br/>I felt dizzy.<br/>I fell on the ground.<br/>I lay down on my back, I looked at the sky. <br/>Sunrise was beautiful. <br/>It was harder to keep my eyes open.<br/>I started to see black.<br/>The last thing I saw was blue eyes. Maybe it was an angel?<br/>I blacked out.<br/>…</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This is NOT the end of the fanfiction, it will be continued! <br/>Listen to “My heart is broken” by Evanescence. Thank You for reading! &lt;3<br/>Don’t hate me so much for this little cliffhanger. &lt;3<br/>See You next Thursday! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This chapter is from Negan's point of view, a little summary of everything what happened from Negan's side.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Summary of the end of the previous chapter after the exclamation point in case you skipped it: Quinn was very deep in depression, she was thinking about her past life before the apocalypse and her life after it, then she finally came to the conclusion that she didn’t deserve to live, she had no reason to be alive, so she attempted suicide, but not because of the guys, it was her depression that overcome her. The last thing she saw was a pair of blue eyes. ;)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>[From Negan’s point of view]<br/>I was lying awake in my bed, again. <br/>My own words echoing in my mind: I just wanted to trick you into having sex with me! But you are such a frigid bitch, you are useless!<br/>I closed my eyes, sighed. How could I have been such an ass to her? I wanted to keep her away from me, but I could have come up with a better idea… But she seemed to be falling deeper in it, I had no choice…<br/>I broke her… That’s the only thing I’m good at. Breaking people.<br/>I never thought I would take interest in any woman this way, besides Lucille. <br/>Quinn asked me when did this happen… I have no idea. Honestly, I didn’t give a shit about her for like… two years. I was laughing at her when she told me about that dog… Dixon. I felt something strange when I saw her so sad that time. I think I wanted to… make her smile. I think I fucked up.<br/>I started to like her as a friend first. I told her that.<br/>But then… She was just so beautiful. And she was giving me real food, I could tell she spent a lot of time preparing them. Not like holy Gabriel, who slammed a fucking slice of bread against me. Quinn cared about me. She made me feel like a human, not trash, like everyone else treated me here. <br/>Of course, I deserved it, but still it was a good feeling, that Quinn made me feel a person again, not a monster.<br/>I liked her like a friend, until the night of the storm. When I saw her getting a panic attack, I felt like I had to do something. I had to protect her. I wasn’t thinking.<br/>That was the night I realized our growing friendship was actually a little more from my side. My knees were trembling like a little kid’s. <br/>I wanted to kiss her so badly.<br/>But I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.<br/>She disappeared for a week. That was when I realized how much I love her really. I was scared I will never see her again. And she just came down with my meal, like nothing happened.<br/>I couldn’t resist anymore. I had to kiss her.<br/>Then I was a real jerk to her. I wanted to protect her. I didn’t want to get her into trouble, yet she randomly kissed me one night. I was so happy and confused at the same time. Almost like it hurt to kiss her.<br/>Eventually, I managed to get her into trouble. I was so conflicted, I wanted to keep her away, but at the same time I wanted to hug her and kiss her all the time. I wanted to talk to her. But I couldn’t. I fucked up a lot of time. We could have spent those times with each other, yet I was rejecting her and turning her away.<br/>I love how Judith tried to help. She is a little angel. But I was just such an asshole.<br/>Even today, I yelled at Quinn to get someone else who gives me food. I didn’t want to do this to her, but I wanted to keep her safe. <br/>It hurt to speak to her like that. I sat up on my bed, rubbing my chest. I didn’t want to hurt her. Especially not after I saw how much she suffered because of Dixon.<br/>I had no choice, I had to keep her at bay. I wanted her to hate me, so she would be safe. I know she told me the Widow was leaving and Dixon was out in the woods and Michonne giving a shit about me… but I couldn’t risk it. It was foolish enough to kiss her, I didn’t want it to be more complicated. I had to turn her away, no matter how much I fell in love with her. For her own safety.<br/>Just as I was thinking about this, I heard footsteps. It wasn’t Quinn, I knew her steps too well.<br/>I stood up, I heard someone was coming down the stairs, then I saw that piece of shit Dixon.<br/>- What the hell you want? – I asked him. He was looking at me with such despise and hatred, the exact same way he was looking at me that night, when I killed Abraham and Glenn. This look in his eyes never changed.<br/>- You fucking bastard. – he grumbled.<br/>- What is your problem now? – I asked, irritated. He hit his fist against the iron bars.<br/>- How could you do that to Quinn?? You are fucking disgusting! – he said. What the hell?<br/>- What are you talking about?!<br/>- You should be dead. You should be fucking dead. – he said, very angrily staring me in the eye steadily. - I should just kill you now. – said Dixon viciously.<br/>- You harmed her for years and humiliated her! You know that she was crying for months after you met in the forest?! – I yelled at him.<br/>- You have no business with that! – said Dixon angrily. – If you look at her, I’ll kill you! How could you trick her to fall in love with you?!<br/>- Trick her?! I didn’t do anything! It just happened! – actually, I fell in love with her, I don’t know anything about her feelings.<br/>- Stop! – Quinn ran down the stairs, yelled at us. - I’m so fucking tired of this!! Daryl just go back to the forest and don’t talk to me ever again!<br/>Dixon was pacing in front of the cell, then stormed out angrily. Quinn looked at me, I held her stare for a long minute. <br/>- And you… - she said quietly. – Just go to hell.<br/>She turned around and left. I hit the iron bar with my fist. Her words went right through my heart, they hurt. Why did I feel this? I didn’t even know much about Quinn, yet my emotions were burying me.<br/>Fucking Dixon. What the hell is he doing here? And why does he care about Quinn so suddenly?<br/>I looked through my window. I saw Quinn on the street talking to Eugene and Michonne was standing right behind her. <br/>Felt like my heart dropped out of my chest. Did Michonne just realize what’s going on? She took Quinn with her. <br/>I was so angry and worried, I wanted to crash this whole place and break through the walls. <br/>I looked out again, but I didn’t see anyone. They went with Michonne.<br/>I was so worried, I started pacing in my cell.<br/>I was pacing for an hour or so, the fuck knows. Finally, I went to the window, leaned my head against the bars. Then I heard footsteps. I looked up immediately. It was Quinn. She was crying a lot, I could tell. What the fuck just happened, what did Michonne do to her? She came down, I went to the iron bars.<br/>- What happened? – I asked. She sighed, looked me in the eye.<br/>- Michonne sent me away. I have to move to the Kingdom. You backed away anyway, so I don’t expect anything from you. I just came to say goodbye. – she said.<br/>My heart skipped a beat. I didn’t think again, I took her hand.<br/>- I didn’t want this. – I said quietly, staring at her steadily.<br/>- I know you didn’t want anything. I have bad luck with guys, I guess.<br/>- I didn’t mean that. I mean I didn’t want to cause you pain. And I didn’t want you to go. I know how much you suffered because of Dixon, I never wanted to hurt you like that.<br/>- Well, you managed. You are just like him.<br/>Fuck, I didn’t want this to happen. I’m nothing like that fucking Dixon. She took her hand away, but I grabbed it again.<br/>- Come in. – I said.<br/>- What?<br/>- Come into the cell.<br/>She hesitated, she seemed confused. I pulled her closer and took the key from her pocket, pulled her in.<br/>- I’m sorry I said terrible things to you. I wanted to push you away. That was the only reason. I didn’t want to get you into trouble.<br/>- Whatever, it doesn’t matter now… Maybe we won’t see each other ever again. Don’t make it even harder. – it seemed like she didn’t even hear what I said. Like it really didn’t matter anymore.<br/>But she was right. every word felt like a knife in my heart. I couldn’t resist. Maybe this is really the last time I see her. I put my finger under her chin and made her look at me. My heart wanted to jump out, it beat so fast. I could hardly breathe. Like a little kid who fell in love for the first time.<br/>- I fell in love with you, Quinn. I’m sorry. – I said finally, then I slowly kissed her. She didn’t pull away, actually she hugged me tightly. I didn’t want this kiss to end, ever. I didn’t even care about that she never told me how she felt… I didn’t care if she was still falling for Dixon. I didn’t care. I love her. <br/>After a while, she slowly backed away.<br/>- I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t understand you. – she said quietly.<br/>- You don’t have to. Just know that I will do anything to get out of here and find you. – I really meant what I just said.<br/> - What happened to the frigid bitch thing? – she asked, smiling sadly. It felt like I was punched in the stomach.<br/>- For fuck’s sake… - I sighed angrily, but I wasn’t angry with her this time, I was angry with myself. - You know that I didn’t mean that, I wanted to scare you away.<br/>- Yeah, yeah… So, what has changed? You are acting like a completely different person. – she sounded suspicious.<br/>- I just realised how much time we wasted being angry with each other. And I regret it. All of it. – I looked her in the eye steadily, I wanted her to know. I wanted to wipe away her doubts.<br/>- You promise? To get out and find me. – she asked.<br/>- I promise.<br/>I really meant it. As soon as she leaves, I will get Michonne to talk. Quinn nodded her head.<br/>- Just… don’t die. – she said and started to back away. I squeezed her hand just a little, I didn’t want to let her go, but she turned around, opened the cell and stepped out. She locked it back. I went to the bars and looked her in the eye. She was so beautiful, even when she was crying. <br/>- Goodbye. – she said and left. When she disappeared from my sight I turned around and kicked my bed hard.<br/>- FUCK! FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!! – I yelled. I turned to the window, I saw her running away. I kicked my bed again, then I kicked over the chair. I throw the book against the wall. Finally, I collapsed on the floor, next to my bed and started to cry. I didn’t even understand where all this emotion came from. I felt bad, like I was cheating on Lucille again. Yet, Quinn was so important. I didn’t want to let her go. I wanted her to hate me, so she could have stayed here. At least I could have seen her, but now… She was gone. Maybe I won’t see her ever again. <br/>I felt so angry and desperate. I knew this would happen, but I didn’t realize it would happen so suddenly. Also, I thought I succeeded keeping Quinn away from me, how did this happen anyway? Fucking Dixon, always ruining everything. I should have killed him when I had the chance… I took a deep breath. No… people are resource. I don’t waste lives. I took a deep breath and let it out angrily. <br/>My tears were still falling, I had no control over it. I buried my face into my hands.<br/>- I’m sorry Lucille… - I whispered. – She is important.<br/>I felt so guilty for cheating on Lucille again, but I just couldn’t help it. She was dead for ten years already… Yet I felt like she was watching me from heaven and judging me again. I have been with other women in the Sanctuary, but I had no feelings for them at all. Now, I feel like I’m cheating on Lucille, because I have feelings for Quinn.<br/> I have to move on. I need Quinn. Even though she didn’t believe me, that I would get out, I could tell, but I will do anything to fulfil my promise. <br/>Anything.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author’s notes: Listen to “I’d come for you” by Nickelback. Thank You for reading! &lt;3<br/>Sorry, I just had to make a Negan version, I hope you don’t feel like it’s a filler episode.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Negan is hurting in his cell.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Author’s note: Listen to “Holding on to Heaven” by Nickelback before you read. ❤︎</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Negan, in his cell<br/>
One week passed since Quinn left.<br/>
Negan was sitting on the floor staring out the window. He was looking at the clouds passing by. He got a ball from Judith, he was throwing it sometimes, but not today. He was just sitting there. He dreamed about Quinn last night, he felt like she was there with him. He was so angry, if he saw Dixon again, he would punch him in the face so hard. He blamed Daryl for everything that happened. Quinn was already feeling down because of him and then Michonne got to know what’s going on because he appeared and made a scene. Negan clenched his fist at this thought, making an angry face.<br/>
- Hey! – he heard a little voice at the window. He got distracted from his thoughts, he released his fist, his face was relaxed again.<br/>
- Hey, Jude. What’s up? – his voice was hoarse. He gathered himself to stand up and went to the window.<br/>
She ran back up the stairs, so no one would see her at Negan’s window. She sat down.<br/>
– I’m sorry that Quinn had to leave. – she said.<br/>
Negan felt like someone punched him in the stomach. He started to rub his chest, fortunately the window was the same level as his face, so Judith wouldn’t see it.<br/>
- I appreciate it. – he said, in a crackling voice.<br/>
- Mom said she can’t visit you. Mom doesn’t want you to feel happy.<br/>
Negan nodded.<br/>
- I understand her.<br/>
- What exactly did you do that she hates you so much? – she asked curiously.<br/>
Negan’s mouth’s corner flinched.<br/>
- I… uh… I did very bad things. I made your mom and dad very sad. I mean veeeery, very sad. And Maggie, and so many others.<br/>
- But what exactly?<br/>
- I don’t wanna talk about it… - he said quietly, laughing nervously. Judith looked at him above her shoulder.<br/>
- Are you crying? – she asked.<br/>
- Hell no. – he said. He leaned his forehead against the iron bars on the window. He wasn’t crying, he was just feeling guilty.<br/>
- Judith, where are you? – Michonne was shouting somewhere in the house.<br/>
- Coming! – Judith shouted back at her. She looked at Negan.<br/>
- I don’t think anyone deserves this. – she said, then hurried into the house.<br/>
Negan had a faint smile on his face. He turned around, leaned his back at the wall, still rubbing his chest.<br/>
What did I exactly do?<br/>
BANG<br/>
BANG<br/>
BANG<br/>
He closed his eyes, he could still see clearly the remains of Abraham and Glenn. He could relieve what he did anytime, it was living inside his mind vividly. He opened his eyes.<br/>
- I deserve this, Jude. – he whispered.<br/>
I fucked up. – he thought. - I thought I was doing the right thing, but I figured that I was wrong all along. Wish I could turn back time. If I haven’t been doing the shit I was doing, then I could be happy with Quinn. I deserve this. Maggie can’t be happy, neither Sasha… So, I can’t be happy either. I don’t deserve happiness.<br/>
He crouched down and buried his face into his hands. He couldn’t cry anymore. He thought there were no tears left. He was just regretful. He was determined. He wanted to get out. To find Quinn.<br/>
He was trying to get Michonne to come down and talk, but she wouldn’t come. He thought she knew what he wanted to talk about and she wouldn’t change her mind anyway.<br/>
And there came the Jesus freak. Gabriel brought him lunch, giving it to him with disgust on his face. He didn’t say a word, turned around and left quickly.<br/>
Negan sighed.<br/>
- Fucking Jesus freak. – he started to eat the slice of bread he got.<br/>
He missed Quinn so much. There were times when she disappeared for a week or a month, but then eventually she always turned up. But now… He knew she will never come again.<br/>
He sighed, closed his eyes.<br/>
He couldn’t stop thinking about her.<br/>
What is she doing now?<br/>
…<br/>
Another week passed like this. Then a month.<br/>
He felt that he was slipping back to depression.<br/>
Every time he felt deep in it, he forced himself to think about Quinn, to think about how he would get out to find her.<br/>
He promised her. So, he won’t give up.<br/>
But sometimes he felt really down. Hopeless.<br/>
He was pacing in his cell.<br/>
He kicked his bed.<br/>
- Fuck it! – he yelled.<br/>
He was careful to freak out only at night, so Judith won’t hear his swear words.<br/>
He was pacing, back and forth, back and forth.<br/>
He was kicking his bed sometimes.<br/>
-Fuck, fuck, fuck! – he shouted again.<br/>
- What the hell is wrong with you? – Aaron appeared at his window.<br/>
Negan quickly turned around.<br/>
- Fuck you! – he yelled at him without thinking. But then he gave a second thought, he wanted to get out, to find Quinn, so maybe he should be… kind-erish to the citizens of Alexandria? He took some breaths, Aaron was staring at him with that disgusted look everyone gave him. – I mean, I’m upset… that’s all… - said Negan in a rumbling voice. Aaron got surprised by this sudden change.<br/>
- Well, then be upset in silence, because you are going to wake up children in the nearby houses.  – said Aaron angrily, then left.<br/>
Negan took a deep breath.<br/>
Fucking prick that one too. – he thought. -  At least he adopted the baby whose father Rick killed. Still a fucking prick.<br/>
He banged his fist into the wall for one last time, then he wrapped up being angry for today.<br/>
He sat down, his back against the wall. He was sitting in the exact same spot he was when they fell asleep with Quinn at the night of the storm. He closed his eyes, he pretended she was there. He remembered how she leaned her head on his shoulder.<br/>
He pulled his knees up, placed his arms on them, then bowed his head on his arms.<br/>
He felt really down. There was no sign of Michonne, there was no hope. Now that he really wanted to get out, now he had a purpose, he realised how much he fucked up. He just felt the weight of his actions.<br/>
He didn’t even know Abraham and Glenn. Didn’t even know their names, he found out later. He felt ashamed and regretful. Abraham’s last words were “suck my nuts”… He would have liked him if he would have gotten to know him. If he hadn’t killed him.<br/>
How could he do it?<br/>
He still remembered clearly. He acted as cool and badass as he could, even smiling, then he went back to the Sanctuary, put down Lucille, and hysterically throw away his leather jacket and his gloves, kicked off his shoes. He was doing this very fast, he shut the door behind him and locked it. As soon as he heard the click in the lock he started to cry. He was so theatrical, he got what he wanted, he managed to rule by fear, but he still had feelings.<br/>
He was just a human.<br/>
He wiped away his tears, looked down and realised his trousers were covered with their blood. There were pieces of hair, skin… even brain. And a lot of blood. He quickly got out of his trousers as well and throw it as far as he could. He hurried to the bathroom, put his hands on the sink and breathed heavily. Tears were rolling down his cheeks. His hair got messy too, it was so well done when he went out to scare Rick’s group, but now it was just messy, a piece of it were in front of his forehead. He was shaking. He did this several times already, but he couldn’t get used to it. No one know about it though, how much it shook him. He was sobbing quietly, then he looked in the mirror. His eyes were red, his face full of guilt, and he had blood stains all over him. Quickly he washed his face and hands, tried to get rid of the blood stains, but he could still see them even if they were not there anymore.<br/>
Just like guilt.<br/>
He took a bath, got fresh clothes. He let out a huge sigh, but it was not relief, he did it on purpose to calm himself. He washed his face again, put back the hair from his forehead back to its place, got Lucille and left his room. He went back to his people, he saw Dwight and approached him with a huge smile.<br/>
- Hey, Dwighty-boy! Clean this blood thirsty angel for me, will you? – he said and put Lucille in Dwight’s hand. He looked disgusted, since it had everything all over it, but took it without a word. Negan watched him leave, his smile faded away.<br/>
Back to acting.<br/>
He remembered this and couldn’t even think how much regret he had. He felt like a completely different person now.<br/>
He was still sitting in his cell, on the ground, his knees pulled up, his arms on them and his head on his arms.<br/>
Only if he could tell Michonne how sorry he was. But he couldn’t. Michonne doesn’t come.<br/>
Eventually he fell asleep with these thoughts.<br/>
He had nightmares…<br/>
He always had nightmares.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author’s note: Listen to “World so Cold” by Three Days Grace.<br/>❤︎ Thank You for reading! ❤︎</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Daryl wants to make sure Quinn reached the Kingdom.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The morning when Quinn left Alexandria</p><p>Daryl left Alexandria as soon as he could, early morning. He spent the rest of the night there, but then he was out. He had this strange feeling, that maybe he should make sure Quinn reached the Kingdom. He could see Carol too…<br/>He decided to head to the Kingdom, to check everything’s alright.<br/>He was thinking about last night. Fucking Negan… should be dead already. He made an angry face just thinking about Negan. He felt so much hatred for him, he thought he might explode. He was walking fast, he wanted to catch up to Quinn, just to see her from a distance, to make sure everything was alright. Anger made him walk even faster. <br/>He was so pissed off by the situation. Why would Quinn fell in love with that asshole? he thought. How could she love him? HOW?<br/>He felt blood pumping in his head. He felt guilty for not feeling anything romantical for Quinn, but still she was important to him. She was family. Just like Maggie or Rosita.<br/>He shook his head, to shake the thoughts, but he kept thinking about this situation. He simply just couldn’t believe it that happened. And he didn’t know what to do about it. Maybe if he didn’t turn down Quinn, she would be with him and she would never think about Negan. But Daryl didn’t have romantic feelings for her, he couldn’t fake it. His heart was someone else’s…<br/>As he was walking, he saw someone on the road ahead of him. <br/>That someone just collapsed on the ground. Was it a walker? He didn’t see any other walker nearby, so he got his knife to put it out. As he got closer, he recognized her.<br/>- Quinn… - he breathed. He put away his knife and started to run towards her.<br/>Daryl was kneeling next to Quinn. Her face was so pale, barely hanging to life. He immediately saw the blood on her wrist. <br/>- No… - he whispered, he felt devastated. This is my fault. This is all my fault! he thought. He blamed himself for everything.<br/>He quickly tore a piece from his shirt and tied it tightly around her wrist. Slowly it started to soak in blood. <br/>- C’mon. C’mon. – he murmured. He bent closer to listen if she was still breathing. She was. He tore another piece from his shirt to put it on the other bandage. This one hasn’t soaked through with blood. Good, that means he managed to stop the bleeding. They were on the middle of the road, but they were closer to the Kingdom at that point. Daryl looked around. He had to carry her to the Kingdom. He couldn’t leave her there to run off for help, walkers might find her. He came to the conclusion that he had to carry her.<br/>He put his crossbow on his back, fixed his belt, which held more weapons, so it wouldn’t move while carrying her. He checked himself then bent over for her. He lifted her gently into his arms. She was so pale, he was afraid she might turn in any second, but he felt her heartbeat, he could hear her breathing.<br/>She’ll make it. he thought. She’ll make it.<br/>He grabbed her tightly and headed to the Kingdom.<br/>…<br/>As soon as he walked through the gates, exhausted, a lot of people gathered around him suddenly.<br/>- Who is that he is carrying? – someone asked.<br/>- Someone get Carol, fast! – Daryl ordered.<br/>He headed towards the infirmary. Carol came running, her face turned into horror when she saw Daryl carrying Quinn, just like he carried Beth…<br/>- She cut herself. – Daryl told Carol. She gasped.<br/>- No, please no… Quinn? – she talked to her, but no response came. She listened if she was still breathing. She was. They got her quickly to the infirmary.<br/>…<br/>Daryl was sitting on the porch, defeated. Carol came and sat beside him.<br/>- ‘ts all my fault. – said Daryl.<br/>- Nooo, of course not. – Carol said. – She had a lot of problems, don’t blame yourself.<br/>- I was one of her problems. – he said looking Carol in the eye for a moment, then both of them looked away. Daryl was staring at the ground.<br/>The sun was about to set.<br/>-Don’t blame yourself. – Carol repeated. Daryl looked at her once again.<br/>- She fell in love with that bastard, because I turned her down.<br/>- That’s not true either. – said Carol. <br/>- If she stayed with me, she wouldn’t had to spend any time with him. She wouldn’t fell in love with him.<br/>- Stop this, please. – Carol placed her hand on his shoulder and squeezed it gently. – Stop blaming yourself, you didn’t do anything wrong.<br/>Daryl was staring at the ground again. Carol continued.<br/>- She is going to be okay. I will keep an eye on her and I won’t let her do anything like that again. – she said.<br/>Daryl slightly nodded.<br/>He stayed in the Kingdom, he wanted to wait for Quinn to wake up. He wanted to apologize to her. He wanted to talk to her. He cared about her.<br/>Carol couldn’t help herself, seeing Daryl in a state like this. She hugged him as they were sitting on the porch.<br/>Daryl shook his head, then wiped his face. He realised he had blood on his hands. Quinn’s blood. He quickly stood up and went in to wash it off. Carol looked at him, then she decided it would be better, if she left Daryl alone for now.<br/>He had to think, he had to get over his feelings of guilt.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author’s notes: Listen to “Guilty” by The Rasmus. This time, it illustrates Daryl’s feelings. :( Thank You for reading! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Quinn is waking up in the Kingdom.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Author’s notes: Listen to “By the Grace of God” by Katy Perry before reading. ❤︎</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Quinn, Kingdom<br/>I opened my eyes. I saw white, very white, everywhere. I had to blink a few times to get used to the bright sunlight that was coming through the window. I was lying in a bed. Two figures were sitting next to me. My vision started to clear. The two figures were Carol and Daryl, right beside my bed. They seemed relieved.<br/>- How are you, honey? – Carol asked quietly, caressing my hand, smiling at me faintly. I looked at her. I remembered immediately she told Daryl about me and Negan. They are the reason I can’t see him ever again. I took my hand away from Carol. She stopped smiling.<br/>- You… - I started, but my voice was so hoarse I could hardly speak. Carol offered me a glass of water. I ignored it. I tried to sit up.<br/>- You shouldn’t get up so soon. – she said worryingly.<br/>- You… - I started again, my voice still hoarse, but a little bit stronger than the first time. – You are the reason I can’t see him ever again. – I said as angry as I could, but I was so weak and my voice was hoarse and shaky I didn’t sound as fierce as I wanted to. I saw Daryl took his eyes off of me and started staring at the ground. Carol glanced at him, then turned to me again.<br/>- You should rest, please, calm down. – Carol said quietly.<br/>- No. – I said as fiercely as I could. – Why did you do this to me?<br/>Both of them were silent, they didn’t dare to look at me or each other. They felt guilty. <br/>- I just wanted to help you, I want the best for you… - started Carol.<br/>- What’s best for me? – I asked aggressively.<br/>Suddenly Daryl stood up and came closer to me.<br/>- I’m so sorry, Quinn. – he said. I didn’t know why he was apologizing, but I didn’t care anyway.<br/>- Sorry for what? For getting me kicked out of Alexandria so I can never see Him again?<br/>Daryl looked uneasy. <br/>- I’m sorry about everything. You deserve better. Better than me and definitely better than… him.<br/>My eyes were furious, at least I hoped they seemed as furious as I felt.<br/>- I don’t want to see you ever again… – I stated.<br/>- Calm down, please. – said Carol again.<br/>- Why am I not dead anyway?! – I asked angrily.<br/>- You don’t want to die. – Daryl said. <br/>I felt like I could explode from anger. He was wrong, I wanted to die.<br/>- How dare you… - I said through gritted teeth, but Carol interrupted me.<br/>- Daryl saved you. – said Carol.<br/>- How? Were you following me or what? – I asked.<br/>- I was nearby. – he said simply. Like I would believe that.<br/>- You were following me, because you still feel that you owe me. - I said. I started to cough, because I talked so much with hoarse throat. Carol offered me the glass of water again. This time I took it and took a sip, but I looked at Carol like I was killing her with my eyes.<br/>- Just… why? – I asked. <br/>- I didn’t want you to die. – Daryl said. – I can’t let you… - he seemed to be very uncomfortable, like it caused him pain to form the words.<br/>- I wanted to die. – I told him staring at him as steady as I could. – I have no purpose.<br/>- You have. – said Carol. – But now you should rest. Calm down and try to sleep a little. – she said as soothingly as she could. I still felt very mad. <br/>- I will be near if you need anything. – Carol said, giving me a quick, faint smile, then they turned around and left me alone, with my thoughts.<br/>I felt like my head was about to explode because of the anger. I took some deep breaths. <br/>They just want to help me… I kept saying this to myself. They just want to help me. I had to think straight. They did this, because they want to help me. I had to process it. But I couldn’t shake the anger. Not just yet.<br/>…<br/>Carol and Daryl left Quinn to rest. They stepped outside into the sunlight. <br/>- This is going to be harder than I thought. – said Carol.<br/>- She hates me. – said Daryl.<br/>- She will ease up with time. – Carol said. – Are you heading out already? I thought you wanted to talk to her.<br/>- I’ll come back. She’s not herself now. – said Daryl. Carol nodded.<br/>…<br/>I didn’t sleep at all for two days, then I finally fell asleep because of exhaustion. I kept thinking about Negan. I didn’t know him that well, but I knew some things about him and I witnessed that he was changing. He was a good man, but the apocalypse brought the worst out of him. I knew that. And I couldn’t shake the memory when he managed with my panic attack during the night of the storm. He was so gentle and passionate at the same time. I knew I felt something immediately. <br/>Honestly… I felt something even before. A little. Not when he was mad. I started to feel something when he started to be kind to me. I didn’t accept these feelings, I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but I had a crush on him. I worked so hard to suppress it, but eventually I failed. I fell in love with him, despite everything he did. And I couldn’t stop thinking about him. How much time we wasted by arguing and fighting our feelings, when we could have been together. And I still felt guilty, I felt like I betrayed Michonne and Maggie and Eugene and Rosita and Aaron… everyone. <br/>I betrayed everyone by loving him. <br/>I was also angry, because Carol and Daryl made things even more complicated, actually they ruined everything. My tears were falling endlessly. <br/>A month went by like this. Carol regularly checked on me, but I was hysterical. <br/>- I don’t want to see you. – I said through gritted teeth.<br/>Carol looked at me sadly, but she wasn’t willing to give up on me.<br/>- I’m staying. And I will come back every day, because I care about you.<br/>- Get the hell out of here! – I yelled at her and when she didn’t move, I grabbed the glass of water next to my bed and threw it against the wall. Glass shards were flying everywhere. Carol flinched a little, but stood her ground. I wasn’t aiming for her, I just had to get out the anger.<br/>- I won’t give up on you. And I know you can get through this. – Carol told me, she cleaned up the mess, then she left.<br/>…<br/>Daryl came back a month and a half later and Carol told him about the glass throwing incident. <br/>- What? – Daryl asked. – I’ll just go and kill that bastard. – he said angrily referring to Negan, he started pacing in front of Carol. Of course, he blamed Negan for all of this.<br/>- Don’t do anything, please. Just calm down. – she said soothingly.<br/>- That’s not like her, not like her at all. – Daryl clenched his fists as he was pacing, like he was ready to punch someone.<br/>- I know… - sighed Carol. – I don’t know what to do with her. Maybe we shouldn’t have interfered… maybe it would be best for her to be with Negan…<br/>- Are you out of your mind? – asked Daryl, he stopped, raised his voice a little. – That’s not good for anyone, definitely not for her!<br/>- You’re right. I was just thinking out loud. I really hope she can get over it. It’s been almost two months already.<br/>- She’ll get through it. She is tough.<br/>Carol nodded silently, staring at the ground.<br/>- I hope you are getting over it, too. – said Carol, looking at Daryl now. <br/>- What do you mean?<br/>- Don’t blame yourself. <br/>He shook his head. <br/>- You can say it any way you like, but I was part of her problems. – said Daryl very seriously, while pointing at himself. He was too stubborn, even Carol couldn’t change his mind this time.<br/>- But she didn’t do this because of you! She had been depressed for a long time, because of the world. She was scared. I thought she will get used to it.<br/>- But she became a fighter. – said Daryl.<br/>- Yes, physically. Not emotionally. – added Carol.<br/>Daryl shook his head again, staring at the ground.<br/>- I still can’t believe how could she fell in love with him. – continued Carol, thinking out loud.<br/>- I don’t even wanna think about it. – murmured Daryl, shaking his head. He was really pissed off by Quinn’s behaviour. <br/>Suddenly, he got an idea. He felt guilty, but he thought Negan should get his share of the blame too.<br/>- I’m leaving. – he told Carol. <br/>- Stay safe. - she nodded, worry in her eyes. Daryl looked her in the eye for a minute, then turned around and left.<br/>Along the road his mind was ticking at this situation. He blamed himself for Quinn’s suicide attempt and he wanted to kill Negan so badly. He wanted to kill him anyway, but there were more than enough reasons to kill him now. Felt like his hatred, despise and anger was growing from minute to minute. <br/>When he reached Alexandria, he stormed through the gates, straight to Negan. Michonne came on the street, she was just passing by.<br/>- Daryl! Hey! – she greeted him. – What are you doing here? – she asked him. He glanced at her, didn’t want to stop.<br/>- I have business with the bastard. – he said angrily. Michonne frowned her eyebrows. <br/>- I can’t let you kill him. – she said simply.<br/>- I won’t. But I want him to suffer. I’m gonna break him. <br/>- How? – asked Michonne, now curious.<br/>- Quinn committed suicide. – as he saw Michonne gasp, he quickly added: - She survived. She is alive. But I want to tell that bastard that she died and it was because of him.<br/>Michonne sighed. Shook her head.<br/>- This is wrong, Daryl, this is so wrong. – said Michonne, thinking, she shook her head again. – This is so wrong… <br/>- I wasn’t gonna ask for your permission anyway. – growled Daryl. – He didn’t give a shit about Maggie’s emotions, about Sasha’s and Rosita’s and Rick’s and yours. He deserves it. This time, I won’t give a shit about his feelings. <br/>Michonne shook her head again.<br/>- We are not like him. You shouldn’t do that. – said Michonne strictly. <br/>- I’m not asking for permission. – repeated Daryl and stormed past by Michonne. She watched him go down to Negan’s cell. She didn’t like this at all, but she didn’t stop him either. She just shook her head and left.<br/>Daryl stopped in front of the iron bars, looking very angry. Negan was lying on his bed casually. He glanced at Daryl, then continued playing with the tennis ball Judith gave him.<br/>- What do you want now? – asked Negan.<br/>- You killed her. – said Daryl. He didn’t like lying, but he wanted to make Negan feel as guilty as he felt and he wanted him to suffer. If he couldn’t kill him, at least he could play a trick, like Negan used to do with them. Also, part of Quinn was dead. She wasn’t herself anymore.<br/>- What are you talking about? – Negan sat up in the bed, turned to Daryl.<br/>- She is dead. Because of you. – said Daryl staring at Negan steadily. Negan’s heart stopped for a second. His mouth fell open.<br/>- You are lying… - he whispered.<br/>Daryl turned around and left.<br/>- Hey! Stop! Come back here! – Negan rushed to the iron bars and shouted after him. – What happened to her? – asked Negan desperately. Daryl turned back.<br/>- She cut her wrist. – he said, then left. He shut the door behind himself.<br/>Negan fell to his knees.<br/>- No… - he whispered. – No… this can’t be…<br/>He was staring into nothingness. He was sitting there for hours. He couldn’t believe it. He was broken. He started to cry and couldn’t stop. He was sobbing all night, sitting on the floor. He was broken. He lost Lucille… and he lost Quinn…<br/>He was devastated.<br/>He was lost.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author’s notes: Listen to “Hopeless” by Breaking Benjamin. This time it illustrates Negan’s feelings. Thank You for reading! ❤︎</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Quinn is confused, Carol takes her out for a walk and Daryl visits her.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Author’s notes: Listen to “Wonderland” by Taylor Swift. ❤︎</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Quinn, Kingdom</p><p>I was dreaming about him. I saw brown eyes. Then I woke up. I was lying on this bed, staring at the ceiling. Like most of the days nowadays. I looked to the window, the sun was about to rise. It will be a sunny day, I could already tell from the sun rays. My arms were tied to the bed, since I threw a glass of water against the wall. <br/>Negan…<br/>I closed my eyes, tight, then I opened them again. How can someone’s life just collapse like this? Like we have no control over anything. I felt mad.<br/>I still wanted to die.<br/>Of course, I had nothing in reach to do anything and Carol was guarding me all the time. Why would anything change? Just because I was kept alive, I felt the same way. I was scared and I was heartbroken.<br/>And there she came, Carol, just when I thought about her.<br/>Sun just barely came up, but she was right there stepping through the door.<br/>- Good morning. – she said, with a little smile. Does she really think if she smiles that would make me happy? I didn’t smile at all, since I woke up here, after I almost died.<br/>I nodded slightly, as much as I could while lying on the bed. She came to me and started to untie my arms.<br/>- What? – I asked surprised.<br/>- Doctor says you can walk around a little outside. Do you want to? – she asked. I rolled my eyes.<br/>- What’s the point?<br/>- I told you, I don’t give up on you and you will get through this. Let’s go take a walk.<br/>I sighed, sat up on the bed. My wrist still had a bandage over the cut.<br/>I dressed up for the first time into real clothes. Since I was here, I was tied to the bed in pyjamas. This was the first time I was allowed to get up.<br/>- Come on. – Carol smiled at me again when I finished dressing up. We headed out. The sun was blinding me, I had to blink a couple of times to get used to it. We were slowly strolling around the Kingdom. People were already tending to the plants. I saw a few men leading horses to the gates, then mounting them and leaving. We were walking without a single word spoken. <br/>- What’s the point? – I asked Carol again. She stopped and turned to me.<br/>- You are not without a purpose. You just haven’t found it yet. From now on, if anything happens to you, just think about it that it wouldn’t have happened if you were already dead. For example, you couldn’t taste this strawberry. – she held up a huge strawberry in front of me. I took it and took a bite. <br/>- Wow. I stayed alive for a strawberry. – I said sarcastically.<br/>- Don’t think about it like that.<br/>- Okay, so I traded Negan for a strawberry. <br/>Carol made a facepalm. She sighed angrily. <br/>- You shouldn’t think about him. You should try to get over him.<br/>- Sure. – I finished eating the strawberry. – If I told you to stop thinking about a pink elephant, you would only think about it more.<br/>- That’s why we should avoid the topic at all. – she told me, thoughtfully.<br/>I nodded and turned around. I heard a motorcycle. I rolled my eyes. Carol was smiling wildly.<br/>- I was always curious, does Ezekiel know about Daryl? <br/>She glanced at me.<br/>- What are you talking about? We are just friends.<br/>- Yeah, sure. – like I would believe that. We watched Daryl riding through the gates on his motorcycle. – Why didn’t you ever get together? Like there was that no name guy at Alexandria, then Ezekiel… Both seems pointless to me.<br/>- Stop, Quinn. – she said seriously. – Not now. We will talk about this later, if this can help you think about something else. – she sighed. Daryl approached us. <br/> - Hey. – he nodded, looking at both of us.<br/>- Hi. – Carol smiled and hugged him. I was just standing there awkwardly, didn’t know what to say. <br/>- Didn’t expect ya to be out here. – he said surprised.<br/>- Doc said she can take a walk outside. – Carol told him.<br/>- Actually, I came to talk to you. – he said staring at me. Carol nodded understandingly.<br/>- Don’t leave her alone. – Carol told him quietly, but of course I could hear it. Daryl nodded. – I’ll come back later. – said Carol, smiling at me, then left. I folded my arms, looked at Daryl. I felt uneasy. <br/> - What do you want? – I asked him. He looked around, there were some people nearby. He nodded his head towards the gates.<br/>- Do you wanna take a walk in the woods? – he asked.<br/>- Me and you in the woods?  No, thank you. – I said sarcastically, referring to the day when I confessed my love to him in the forest. He nodded understandingly, but still started to walk towards the gates. I rolled my eyes, followed him outside. It was actually nice out there. No people, no noise, no Carol. <br/>- So, what do you want? – I asked him again.<br/>- Just talk. – he said in his growling voice. We walked for a little while into the woods, then he stopped and turned to me.<br/>- How ‘re ya? – he asked, looking concerned. I shrugged. <br/>- Like a piece of shit. That’s why you came back? – I asked him.<br/>- I… - he took a deep breath. – I am so sorry, about everything, Quinn. I mean it.<br/>We stood there in silence for a couple of minutes. I could see his eyes slipped from my eyes to my wrist, I covered it with my other hand. He looked me in the eye again.<br/>- The only thing you need to be sorry about is interfering. – I said.<br/>This seemed to be making him angry, but he tried to hold himself back.<br/>- You couldn’t have been happy with him. Ya know that. Would always be in fear because of Michonne and Maggie. And he ain’t comin’ out of jail. – he told me. <br/>I don’t remember hearing him talking for so long in one take. He always talks the least he could. I tried to take in what he said. I somewhat agreed with him, but my anger wouldn’t cease.<br/>- I just… I can’t stop being angry just yet. I’m upset. – I told him.<br/>- I know. You have all rights to be.<br/>He looked serious, sincere and guilty, all at the same time. I started to get it.<br/>- Wait… you are doing this because you think I did it because of you?<br/>- I was one of your problems… and you were banished from Alexandria because of me.<br/>I shook my head, while staring at him disbelievingly. Did he really think that?<br/>- You… you can’t be serious. This wasn’t your fault. I… - I didn’t know what to say to make him believe it. – Look… I had a shitty life before the apocalypse, I was already depressed and then everything just became even worse. I felt it was becoming too much. And I know Negan would never come out of the cell. So, I saw no purpose, no aim to go for. I still don’t have anything to live for.<br/>He listened very carefully, staring at me the whole time. <br/>- But…<br/>- There’s no but, Daryl. – I interrupted him. – You have nothing to do with my suicide attempt. Yeah, I cried a little bit because of you, but that wasn’t enough for me to do it. If it were because of you, I would have done it much earlier.<br/>This seemed to make a point to him a bit.<br/>- ‘re you sure? I mean… I still feel I owe you. – he said unsurely. <br/>I bent my head to one side a little.<br/>- I don’t have any feelings for you, Daryl. Not anymore. You don’t have to feel anything. Not guilt, not owing me. Nothing. You have nothing to do with this. – I hoped this would finally convince him. He seemed to be thinking very hard.<br/>- You’re still important. – he said in his low voice.<br/>I didn’t know what to say to that, so I just nodded.<br/>- Okay, just don’t torture yourself. You don’t owe me anything. – I said finally.<br/>He was so tall, my neck started to hurt looking up at him for so long, because I was lying in bed for months. I pressed my neck a little with my palm, looking at the ground to relax it a bit.<br/>- ‘re you alright? – he asked.<br/>- Yeah, it’s just my neck hurts, I was in bed for so long.<br/>I made a couple of movements with my head then I looked at him again. He stepped closer to me and put his hand on my shoulder, squeezed it a little bit.<br/>- What…? – I didn’t expect any kind of physical contact from him, it wasn’t like him at all. He rested his hand there for a minute, looked me in the eye then took away his hand.<br/>- I don’t want you to die. – he said.<br/>I sighed. This sincere apology and physical contact made me ease up a little.<br/>- Okay, fine, I won’t kill myself again. – I said.<br/>He nodded and I saw a little half smile. <br/>- You wouldn’t stop blaming yourself, would you? – I asked him. He didn’t answer, just staring at the ground. I continued. – I promise not to kill myself, if you promise you stop blaming yourself.<br/>He looked at me again for a couple of minutes, then slowly nodded.<br/>- ‘kay. ’ll try. – he said. We heard footsteps, he turned around quickly. It was Carol.<br/>- I thought you were going for a walk behind the walls. – she said scoldingly, like we were little kids who did something wrong.<br/>- There’s nothing here. We were safe. – Daryl told her. Carol smiled at him, shook her head a little.<br/>- Alright, now let’s go back and have lunch together. – she said smiling at both of us. We headed back to the Kingdom. I didn’t know how to feel. I never knew what was going on in Daryl’s mind, but this time he made everything even more confusing. I decided to leave it there and not think about it anymore.<br/>Also, he made me promise I won’t hurt myself again… but what should I do then?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author’s note: Listen to “Everybody hurts” by Avril Lavigne. Thank You for reading! ❤︎</p><p>(PS: Did you catch the huge storm in the latest episode of the show? It lines up with my fanfiction, it made me so happy! I think about it like it was the same night when Quinn had to stay with Negan. ❤)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Quinn wants to hear what is going on with Carol and Daryl.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Quinn, Kingdom<br/>We had lunch together, without saying a word, then Carol talked to Daryl for a little while, then he left the Kingdom again. I was taken back to my room at the infirmary.<br/>Carol took me on walks more regularly. I promised Daryl I won’t hurt myself again, but Carol was still cautious. She protected me like I was an infant. It was so frustrating, sometimes I wished she would just leave me alone. Night was the only Carol free time of my day, that’s the only occasion I can think about Negan. There wasn’t a night without me thinking about him. Carol tried so hard to get my thoughts distracted during the day, but she couldn’t control me completely, she couldn’t distract me 24 hours a day.<br/>I wasn’t tied to the bed anymore, but I didn’t have any dangerous items in my room either, because Carol still thought I wanted to die. I wasn’t sure anymore, if I wanted to die… I felt like I have to do something, I just didn’t know what.<br/>Another month passed.<br/>Carol thought I forgot about what she said, when I mocked her about Daryl. I decided I will ask her about it again. Because I was curious and I’m supposed to be her best friend (besides Daryl of course), so she should tell me. I told her everything, that’s the only thing I ask for in return. I told her all about Daryl back then, and then Negan. So, it’s her turn.<br/>We went out to take our regular walk.<br/>- Can we walk in the forest today? – I asked her. She frowned her eyebrows, she suspected something was off immediately.<br/>- Why? – she asked.<br/>- I don’t let you get away with it. Let’s go out, you owe me an explanation.<br/>She knew what I was talking about. She sighed then nodded. We headed through the gates, to the woods.<br/>- I was pretty rude when I asked about Daryl and Ezekiel, but I’m really curious and you said we will talk about it.<br/>- I was hoping you forgot it. – she said with a strange tone, I couldn’t understand maybe it was sadness or annoyance?<br/>- So what?<br/>- What do you want to know?<br/>- Everything. I mean, since we were living in the prison, I knew you and Daryl were something. What happened or what is happening?<br/>She looked around, to make sure there weren’t any walkers or listeners.<br/>- Daryl and I… - she sighed and started again. – We never really talked about it. We don’t address it.<br/>- That’s the crappiest thing I ever heard. Why are you wasting so much time? You could have been together for years!<br/>- Daryl is not the romantic type. And he doesn’t like physical contact. I didn’t want to force him to do anything.<br/>- I see. I just don’t understand. Why did you get together with that random guy in Alexandria and then Ezekiel?<br/>- I think I got tired of waiting for him. The random guy was… his name was Tobin. I don’t know. It was just simple and good.<br/>- But no love.<br/>- Yeah, no love…<br/>- And Ezekiel?<br/>- I love Ezekiel.<br/>- But you love Daryl more. I learned this in the hard way… you can only be in love, really in love with one person. All the others are just crush or physical attraction or love in a friendly way.<br/>- I don’t know… Daryl’s just… He is a grown-up man, he should have initiated, if he wanted anything.<br/>- He never tried to kiss you?<br/>She seemed to be taken by surprise by the question and I saw a little red on her cheeks.<br/>- I… uh… well… You know there was an occasion, I thought about a lot. I’m not sure what he was trying to do, but it was awkward and nothing happened.<br/>- Do you know what I think? He is a though bad boy on the outside, but really, he is a good guy and a veeeery shy one. I think, if you wanted something, you should have initiated. You should have kissed him.<br/>- I’m not that kind of girl. – she said smiling.<br/>- Sure, you are the kind of girl who blows up Terminus, but you can’t kiss a guy? Oh my god… you wasted so much time, because both of you are awkward. And here came Ezekiel who just jumped on you and you let him, because he is attractive.<br/>- I’m not only attracted to his looks. – said Carol offended.<br/>- I still don’t understand. But you are in love with Daryl, right now, right?<br/>She didn’t answer, but I could see her whole face went red. She was like a badass woman all the time, but she turned into a shy little girl, when Daryl was the topic.<br/>- I love Ezekiel. – she repeated. – Maybe I’m just… I got tired of waiting for Daryl. And he is always busy saving everyone. Ezekiel is always there for me, he is reliable and he loves me.<br/>She seemed to feel uneasy.<br/>- So, you chose by your logic and not by your heart. – I concluded.<br/>- I love Ezekiel. – she repeated for the third time, it sounded like she tried to convince herself, not me. I nodded and changed back the subject.<br/>- But it was so obvious to me, especially after Terminus. Daryl was obsessed with you, he was always staring at you, making sure you were okay, you ate enough and so on.<br/>- Yeah, I thought so but… nothing happened. - Carol nodded in agreement. – I’m happy with Ezekiel now.<br/>She stopped talking, like she was at the end of the story, smiled at me.<br/>I thought I would change the subject as Carol started to feel more uncomfortable, but the only topic that came to my mind was Negan. He wasn’t shy to show affection, not like Daryl with Carol.<br/>- What are you thinking about? – asked Carol. Thought police arrived.<br/>- Busted. – I said. <br/>She shook her head disapprovingly.<br/>- You shouldn’t think about Him…<br/>I buried my face into my hands. The memory of our first kiss rushed over me so suddenly I lost control. I missed him so much…<br/>I breathed heavily, I sat on my heels. Carol crouched in front of me.<br/>- Are you alright? – she asked worried.<br/>- I don’t know… I just… I need to breathe… I can’t breathe…<br/>- Don’t talk, just breath slowly in and out. In and out.<br/>- It doesn’t matter anymore. – I gasped. It didn’t matter, because I can’t see Negan ever again. I closed my eyes. It was a panic attack. I had no idea what triggered it, though. Just the thought of Negan? <br/>I remembered when he calmed me down. How relaxed I felt in his arms. My breathing became more regular and calmer. Just like now that I thought about it. I opened my eyes, looked at Carol. She was crouching beside me, stroking my back.<br/>- I don’t know what happened. – I said.<br/>- Just breathe. – she said still stroking my back. – I’m so sorry. You’re still unstable, we shouldn’t have talked about these things. I should have known it will remind you about him.<br/>- I didn’t know it will have this effect on me. I just… - I couldn’t understand myself. – I’m just so worried about Negan, I don’t even know if he is still alive…<br/>- Don’t worry about it. Just try to avoid Negan … I don’t know anything about him either, but you should try to get over him.<br/>I sighed, I stood up. I looked Carol in the eye.<br/>- It’s really hard not to think about him. – I said quietly. I wiped my face. I didn’t even realise I was crying. Carol hugged me.<br/>- You’re going to be okay.<br/>She escorted me back to my room, then I felt my breathing was irregular again.<br/>Carol gave me a sedative injection. I stayed in there for a week. I had no strength mentally to get up. I felt so many things at the same time. I didn’t even know what was going on in my own head. The only clear point was Negan. <br/>It felt like he was an illness and I couldn’t recover from him. I would be healthy, whole and perfect again, if we could be together in peace. If no one would interfere and we would live together in a house… I shut my eyes tight and buried my face in my hands. I wanted to be with him so badly. I knew we could do it… We could be together and live in peace. But that’s not gonna happen. It’s just a fantasy. I wish it was real. But he is not coming out of jail…<br/>And I stuck here with Carol, living a meaningless life.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author’s notes: Listen to “Breathin’” by Ariana Grande. Thank You for reading! ❤</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Negan is broken by the loss of Quinn, which also reminded him of losing Lucille. He is alone again.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Author’s note: Did you miss Negan? 😊 Listen to “Monster” by Skillet. I feel like this song could be his theme song. :D ❤ Listen before reading.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Negan, Alexandria<br/>Negan was devastated. He fell back to depression, which turned into anger with time. He felt like a caged beast more than ever. He wanted to let out his anger, he wanted to destroy. Because that’s exactly what he felt inside. Destruction. He was crushed by his own emotions. Only if he had Lucille, he could have smashed everything around him. Everything fell apart. He had several breakdowns, when he was usually yelling and throwing and kicking things in his cell. He couldn’t get over Quinn’s “death”. It never occurred to him that Daryl maybe lied to him. He was going nuts that day as well, but this one time he had gone too far. <br/>He started hitting the wall with his fist until it started to bleed.<br/>He was screaming while doing it.<br/>Gabriel was passing by, he heard Negan screaming, so he looked through the window and ran away immediately. He got scared. His heart pumped in his ears as he rushed to get Siddiq.<br/>Gabriel brought him along, he opened the cell and they rushed to him to tie his hands, but they couldn’t. Negan was fighting them off while screaming, he punched Gabriel in the stomach, then Negan collapsed on the floor and started to cry while they managed to tie his hands behind his back, finally.<br/>- What happened to him? – asked Gabriel, gasping for air, rubbing his stomach.<br/>- I don’t know. Looks like a psychiatric case, which I don’t have much experience with. – said Siddiq.<br/>- What should we do with him? – asked Gabriel.<br/>- What’s going on here? – asked Michonne who just came down the stairs.<br/>- Negan is having some kind of a… seizure. – said Siddiq, unsurely.<br/>- What’s your problem? – asked Michonne strictly, but Negan was just sitting on the floor crying.<br/>- Quinn… - he sobbed.<br/>Michonne remembered that Daryl told Negan, Quinn didn’t survive the suicide attempt. Michonne didn’t care what Negan thought, she didn’t care either how he felt. Gabriel and Siddiq kept their eyes down, they didn’t dare to look at Michonne. They knew Quinn was alive and they felt guilty for not telling Negan. Siddiq glanced at Michonne, then looked back at Negan.<br/>- Try to calm him somehow. He is waking up the children. – said Michonne and she left.<br/>Gabriel and Siddiq looked at each other, then they took Negan to the infirmary.<br/>…<br/>Siddiq managed to calm Negan down by giving him a sedative injection and while he was dozing off, Siddiq put gauze on his injured hand.<br/>They put him back to the cell.<br/>Finally, Gabriel took a pity on him, so he decided he is going to have a session with him, once every week. He is not going to tell him the truth about Quinn, though, however bad he felt about it. It was Daryl’s call and Michonne went with it, so he didn’t want to go against them.<br/>…<br/>One week later the mental breakdown<br/>Gabriel closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he entered the basement. He felt like his heart was heavy. He walked down slowly. Negan was sitting on the ground, staring in front of him, into nothing. Gabriel looked at him for a moment, Negan didn’t give any sign he acknowledged his presence. Gabriel sat down on the bench which was right outside his cell. They brought it in especially for Gabriel, so he could sit there while having the session. Gabriel didn’t know what to do, how to start. He knew Negan didn’t believe in God, not even before the world ended and definitely not now. Gabriel cleared his throat, gently, then looked at Negan again.<br/>- I know you are devastated. I’m sorry for your loss. – he said gently, but it was clear he felt uneasy. Negan didn’t look at him. Gabriel continued: - I’m here to help you through this emotional crisis. Your life shouldn’t be wasted like this. I know you don’t believe in God, but I brought the Bible, if you would like me to read it to you.<br/>Negan didn’t even blink. Gabriel thought for a second that he might be dead, but he could see him breathing by the rise and fall of his chest and his face was full of emotion.<br/>- Don’t worry, I won’t read it, unless you want me to. – added Gabriel, he was afraid that if he started to read the Bible, Negan would go insane again. He was watching Negan, but he still didn’t give any sign.<br/>- Death is part of life. We will all die at some point. Unfortunately, it is more common and too soon during this state of the world. – he almost said that Quinn might be with God in heaven now, but then he realised she committed suicide… those who took their own life didn’t get to heaven, according to his religion. He pursed his lips together, thinking hard what he should say. It wouldn’t comfort Negan anyway if he knew Quinn was in heaven. Of course, Gabriel knew Quinn was alive. He glanced at Negan, then opened his mouth to continue, but Negan interrupted him.<br/>- Get out… - growled Negan very quietly, his voice was hoarse. He didn’t have to say it twice, Gabriel stood up immediately.<br/>- I will try again next week. I’m sorry. – he said quickly and left the basement. Negan took a deep breath when Gabriel left and closed his eyes. Then his tears started to pour again, his shoulders were shaking, he was sobbing for a long time again.<br/>…<br/>The next day, Judith wanted to visit Negan at the window, but she heard him screaming and crying. She stopped, frozen, she got scared. Michonne heard the noise too and came out when she saw Judith.<br/>- What are you doing here? – Michonne asked her daughter.<br/>Judith flinched and turned to her.<br/>- I just wanted to go to play, when I heard him. – she said with huge, innocent eyes, pointing at Negan’s window. Michonne frowned her eyebrows.<br/>- Don’t be scared, he can’t hurt you. He is just upset. We should leave him alone. – Michonne told her. Judith slowly nodded and went back to the house, confused.<br/>Michonne didn’t like this. She glanced at Judith who entered the front door of their house and disappeared inside. <br/>Michonne took a deep breath and went down to the cell.<br/>Negan stopped crying when he saw her. He quickly wiped his face. Michonne didn’t want to feel this way, but she was glad to see Negan like this. He was in the same state as Maggie was, when Glenn was killed by this man, right in front of her eyes.<br/>- What do you want? – Negan growled.<br/>- Now you know. – said Michonne quietly. – The pain you caused us.<br/>Negan looked at her with anger burning in his eyes.<br/>- You came to gloat? – he asked, his voice cracking.<br/>- No. – said Michonne quietly, but confidently. – I came to ask you to shut up. You scared Judith.<br/>Negan’s heart skipped a beat. “You scared Judith.” These three words felt like he was stabbed right into his heart. He didn’t want to scare Judith, not in a thousand years. He just couldn’t control his anger and sadness. Michonne nodded as Negan stayed quiet for a while, then she left the basement. Negan wiped his eyes once more. He let out a huge sigh and shook his head.<br/>He was afraid Judith won’t come to talk to him anymore.<br/>He slowly went to his chair and sat down. He leaned the back of his head against the wall and closed his eyes.<br/>“What did I do? Little Judith, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry about everything… Maybe someone or something is punishing me with this… I killed so many people and then Quinn is dead. Quinn is dead… I deserved this.”<br/>He started sobbing again. He couldn’t stop. He just lost his only friend here, Judith, he was sure she won’t visit him again. He felt so lonely and he missed Quinn. There were so many opportunities, but he missed them all, he made Quinn angry and sad. He regretted all of it. Only if he could see her once more, he would show her all of his love, he felt for her. He was surprised by this wave of emotion, the only time he felt this was with Lucille… He didn’t even know Quinn that well, but he felt that he should have got to know her better. He should have jumped into it, not avoiding, because of the circumstances. But he won’t meet her again. She was gone.<br/>She was dead…</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Just a casual day, Daryl visits after a while and Carol is heartbroken. Quinn can move into her own tiny house.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Quinn, Kingdom<br/>Carol never mentioned Negan since my breakdown, which was a month ago. I haven’t seen Daryl since I promised him, I won’t hurt myself again.<br/>I kept thinking about Negan anyway. When we kissed for the first time. Every time I thought about it, I felt warm inside, like my chest and my head was filled with pink mist. I was 100% sure that I was in love with Negan.<br/>I was allowed to take walks again, so I was sitting outside at a table and reading a random book I found, when I heard the roar of a motorcycle.<br/>Daryl visited today.<br/>I was sure Carol’s going to tell him about my breakdown, I just hoped that she will leave out the part what triggered it.<br/>My heart skipped a beat. <br/>Would it be rude if I asked about Negan? Maybe Daryl was in Alexandria too.<br/>I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to piss off Carol. I didn’t want to piss of Daryl either, but since I was in this situation because of him, his feelings didn’t matter that much to me at that point. I know, it sounds bad, but I still didn’t know on what terms I was on with Daryl. There were just so much going on. The fact that I had a crush on him, but he didn’t, and then he made a scene at Alexandria to “save me” from Negan and then he literally saved me when he followed me to the Kingdom… And I was mad at him for not getting himself together for Carol. I know he had a lot on his plate too, but if he would have gotten together with Carol, she could have helped him through everything. <br/>My thoughts just went off. <br/>Anyway, I didn’t know how to feel about Daryl. Maybe one could think we were friends, but I think his only friend is Carol now. I didn’t know, really. One thing I knew for sure that I had to ask. I needed to know.<br/>Carol already greeted him, I stayed on my butt at the table, pretending to be reading, but I couldn’t focus on the story anymore.<br/>They approached me of course.<br/>- Hey. – Daryl growled. I looked up at him. He wasn’t smiling. The only occasion I saw something like a smile since Rick died was when I promised him, I won’t try to kill myself again. He was still mourning him, just like the rest of us, but it seemed he was affected very deeply. And he seemed even stranger than his usual self.<br/>- Hi. – I said shortly and continued reading.<br/>Daryl glanced at Carol then both of them sat down in front of me. I looked up from my book again.<br/>- What? You look like the parents who sat down with their child to lecture her. – I said. I saw the reaction immediately, Daryl glanced at Carol again, a hint of red on his cheeks. Carol looked away with red face too.<br/>- Carol told me you had a panic attack. – Daryl said, looking back at me.<br/>- Of course, she did. – I said.<br/>- She is fine now. – said Carol smiling at me, then at Daryl.<br/>I couldn’t take this awkward situation anymore and I needed to know. So, I asked.<br/>- Have you been to Alexandria recently? <br/>Carol’s eyes widened.<br/>- Quinn, don’t. - she said. Daryl shook his head.<br/>- Nah. – he said.<br/>I decided I will ask straightforwardly.<br/>- Is Negan still alive? – I asked while I didn’t dare to look at them. I was staring at my own hand rested on the table. I glanced at Carol, she did a facepalm. She worked so hard to distract my thoughts from Negan, but I kept thinking about him. I glanced at Daryl too, he seemed to feel uneasy, but still nodded a yes. I nodded too. That’s all I need to know. He is alive.<br/>- You shouldn’t think about him, Quinn, we talked about this several times… - Carol said in a suppressed voice.<br/>- I know. – I told her, then I stood up and left. I brought my book back to the library, then I headed to the infirmary. Doctor said soon I can move into a house, but before that, Carol will remove everything that I could use to hurt myself with. <br/>So, in the meantime, I was still living in the infirmary room.<br/>Carol was occupied, so I had all day to daydream about Negan.<br/>I was sitting by the window, watching the clouds passing by.<br/>I would give anything just to hold his hands again.<br/>Then it suddenly clicked into my mind. I have a purpose, an aim now.<br/>I have to run away. <br/>I have to sneak into Alexandria. <br/>I have to see him.<br/>That’s what will keep me alive from now on.<br/>---<br/>Carol visited in the afternoon. I heard her entering the room. I was still watching the clouds.<br/>- Did he leave? – I asked her, but when she didn’t answer I turned to her. She nodded yes silently. - What’s the matter? – I asked her, she seemed gloomy.<br/>- He said he won’t come for a while. He is still mourning Rick, I guess. Like all of us. And your almost death also shook us.<br/>- Sorry. – I said, then I turned back to the clouds. I didn’t feel anything. He won’t come, then be it. I glanced back at Carol. – I know he will come back eventually. He will miss you.<br/>- I think he accepted that I’m with Ezekiel, so I don’t think so. – her voice was sad. She loved Ezekiel, but she will be worrying for Daryl all the time.<br/>- He can take care of himself. – I told her and I meant it. I turned back to the window to watch the clouds. I didn’t know if Carol was still standing there or she left, but then she spoke again.<br/>- I think he met someone. – she said quietly. I looked at her.<br/>- What? You mean he randomly found a girlfriend out there in the forest?<br/>- I don’t know, but he is different. He acts differently towards me. – her voice was almost cracking and she avoided looking me in the eye. I was surprised and also, I was glad I had no feelings for him anymore, because I would be even more devastated by hearing about it. I sighed I stood up and hugged Carol.<br/>- Maybe you should really concentrate on Ezekiel… I think Daryl is still in love with you, he just got distracted and you are with Ezekiel… He has no hope anymore.<br/>I let go of Carol, she nodded and wiped her eyes. She didn’t cry but she had tears in her eyes. She was on the verge of crying. But what did she think, really? She chose Ezekiel, Daryl has to continue living his own life. Carol changed the subject.<br/>- You shouldn’t have asked about Negan. You know that. – she said scoldingly. I nodded silently.<br/>- You can’t control my thoughts. Neither can I. However hard we try, I just can’t resist thinking about him. – I told her. She nodded.<br/>- You can move into the house we were talking about.<br/>- Alright. <br/>- Come on, I’ll show you. – she said. I followed her outside, to my future house.<br/>I knew as soon as Carol leaves I will daydream again, about Negan.<br/>The house was small, simple and cozy. I looked around while Carol was standing in the living room.<br/>- How will I prepare food if I don’t have any knives? – I asked her, while observing the kitchen.<br/>- I will bring you food every day. You don’t have to bother with that. – she said.<br/>I opened all the cupboards to check.<br/>- Plastic cups? Really? Carol, I don’t want to die anymore.<br/>She folded her arms in front of her.<br/>- Better to be cautious. – she said.<br/>I rolled my eyes. I kept checking all the cupboards, then I glanced at her again.<br/>- You forgot to take out the windows. If I wanted, I could shatter the glass and kill myself with it.<br/>Carol’s eyes widened.<br/>- Relax, I’m just mocking you. I won’t do that. As I said, I don’t want to die anymore. <br/>Carol frowned her eyebrows and pursed her lips.<br/>- Sounds like you found a reason to live for. Let me guess, you want to sneak away and visit Negan. – said Carol staring at me, demanding an answer. I blanched, I could feel all the blood going away from my face.<br/>- That’s already a pretty obvious answer. – she said, referring to my pale face. – You cannot visit him. I’m glad you want to stay alive, but you have to get over him. – she stepped closer to me and took my hand. – Please, Quinn, don’t make me run after you all the time, don’t do this. You know it’s forbidden. Michonne banished you, you can’t enter Alexandria. And if you did and she were to punish you, believe me, she won’t put you into a cell together with Negan. She would send you back here and you would be a prisoner here. You don’t want that.<br/>I sighed.<br/>- You’re right… I just miss him so much… - I was staring at the ground, like a little kid he knew she did something wrong.<br/>- I know, but you have to move on. – she said and hugged me. – Please don’t make plans like this. I need you here, to help me out. – she released me and looked me in the eye.<br/>I nodded.<br/>- I have to go, but I’ll come back later and bring you dinner. – she flashed a quick smile at me, then left. I still saw sadness in her eyes. <br/>I closed the door behind her, then I turned around and sat on the floor, my back against the door. I let out a long sigh.<br/>How could she figure it out so fast? I think she knows me better than I thought. I will sneak away to visit Negan eventually, but not now that she is so aware of it. Anyway…<br/>Did Daryl really hook up with someone in the forest? What the hell… I wish Carol told me what he said exactly, but I didn’t want to interrogate her about it. She was disappointed, I could see that. But what did she think? Daryl can’t wait for her forever. But then, Daryl should have initiated when he had the chance, before Ezekiel, before Tobin, before everything. Both of them were guilty in this situation, they were just torturing each other.<br/>Whatever.<br/>I shrugged my shoulder.<br/>I think I fell asleep in that position, leaning against the door. I saw Daryl in Alexandria, lecturing me about Negan. Then I saw Michonne, banishing me. Then I saw Eugene, he was sad I had to leave. <br/>Then I saw Negan…</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author’s notes: Listen to “Death by a Thousand Cuts” by Taylor Swift. <br/>This song represents now both Quinn’s and Carol’s feelings, they both have a heartache, but for different reasons. ❤</p><p>PS.: Yeah, I didn’t like the Daryl romance episode, so I’m going to continue my fanfiction with Carol x Daryl in mind, because I ship them. So if you want him to be with Leah, maybe look for another fanfiction, because that’s not gonna happen here, sorry. ^-^ <br/>But next week comes the Negan episode on the show, I hope it won’t mess up my fanfiction too much. 😊 I’m so excited to see it! Thank You for reading! ❤</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 22</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Carol visits Quinn in her new house.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Quinn, Kingdom<br/>I didn’t feel any better in the next few days. Then two weeks later I still didn’t feel a change. Carol was thinking very hard how to manage with my state. One evening I was laying on the couch, reading. I heard a knock on the door.<br/>- Come in. – I yelled. Carol came in.<br/>- You should lock your door. It’s not safe. – she said.<br/>- I always lock it for the night. I was just too lazy to get up just yet to do it.<br/>Carol rolled her eyes.<br/>- I came up with an idea how to cheer you up. – she smiled with a little twinkle in her eyes.<br/>- What? – I was curious what could she come up with.<br/>She held up two bottles of something.<br/>- Red wine? Wow. Do you think it will help? – I asked her. I used to drink now and then, but I didn’t drink since the dead started to walk around and eat the living.<br/>- Come on. It’ll be fun. – she smiled at me. – I told Ezekiel I stay here for the night. Girls’ night?<br/>- Wow… okay. Girls’ night.<br/>She quickly got to the kitchen and popped open the bottle. I thought immediately she needed this more than I did. She was heartbroken. I wonder if Ezekiel noticed anything about it. Carol served two plastic cups and sat beside me on the couch.<br/>- To being alive. – she said suddenly and clinked our plastic cups. I couldn’t help but smile. I haven’t smiled for a long time, but it was also a sad smile. We were both miserable, but I felt sorry for Carol now even more than for myself.<br/>- Now that’s it, we are getting somewhere. – she said, referring to my faint smile.<br/>- Let me guess, this was Daryl’s idea, wasn’t it? You never drank any alcohol.<br/>Carol looked at me like a little child who has been busted for doing mischief.<br/>- Alright, he gave me this idea, last time he was here. So what? – she poured another round. – I just didn’t want to do it immediately.<br/>- Carol… you can be honest with me. You didn’t want to get drunk, because you were afraid Ezekiel might suspect something about Daryl.<br/>She stared at me, her smile faded away. She nodded.<br/>- You’re right. I just don’t know what to do. I messed up my life again. Whatever. I think we both need this drink.<br/>- Alright, then go on.<br/>We drank another round.<br/>- I know you’re messed up, but you chose Ezekiel. – I reminded her.<br/>- I know… It’s just… It’s so hard to imagine Daryl with someone else.<br/>- Imagine then, that he had to watch you being with Ezekiel.<br/>She shrugged.<br/>- I know… I’m so self-centered… I just… I needed love. – she said with a sad smile. – First, with Tobin… I was just trying to get him jealous… I know, it’s childish and it backfired, because he reacted in the opposite way. He just accepted defeat. He is always too busy with saving everyone and I guess he didn’t have any strength left for his personal emotions.<br/>- Yeah, that sounds a lot like him. But you were pretty cruel, you know. You knew all along that he was in love with you and I knew that too, but still you let me try with him. I mean… why did you let me kiss him? Why did you encourage me in the first place? You wanted him to tell me that he chooses you?<br/>Carol was staring at the plastic cup in her hands, then looked me in the eye.<br/>- Yes… I’m sorry. I was just… messed up. I am messed up. I always am.<br/>I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. She was really selfish, but she just wanted to get Daryl’s attention. I hugged her then we drank another round.<br/>- So you used me… - I sighed. – Don’t worry about it, I get it. And it doesn’t matter anymore. I have no feelings for Daryl.<br/>- I’m sorry… - mumbled Carol, she was staring at the plastic cup in her hands again.<br/>- Didn’t Daryl give you this idea, to get drunk, sarcastically?<br/>- I don’t know. But I didn’t have any other idea.<br/>- It’s alright.<br/>We drank another round.<br/>- Let’s talk about something else. What’s up with Henry?<br/>Carol’s face lighted up at once. She looked at me, smiling widely.<br/>- He is practicing his fighting skills, he is getting really good at it. And he says he wants to be a useful member of the community. – she said proudly.<br/>- You raised him well.<br/>- He is still a baby. – she said smiling.<br/>Since we weren’t used to drink alcohol, we quickly became tipsy. We were laughing at nothing basically, but as we drank more and more, we became more wasted. I wasn’t in control of my thoughts anymore. Neither of my words I spoke.<br/>- Would ya leave Ezekkkiel… if Daryl wanted to be with ya? – I could hardly talk at that point. Carol looked at me, her eyes sparkling, her face red.<br/>- I duuunnnnnoooo… - she said. – We have a child with Ezekiel. Henry.<br/>- Tha’s not an answer. – I said.<br/>We were drinking the last drops. Suddenly she turned to me.<br/>- Tell me ‘bout Negan.<br/>- Wha’? – I asked. <br/>Negan… Suddenly, my heart skipped a beat.<br/>- Maybe you should tell me… eeeeeverything, so ya can get ‘ver it. – she said.<br/>- Nah… I don’t wanna get over ‘im. – I said.<br/>Carol buried her face in her hands, then looked at me again.<br/>- Wha’ do ya love abou’ ‘im? – she asked.<br/>We could hardly speak at that moment, we were so drunk.<br/>I sighed.<br/>- Do ya rememb’r the movie… beauty ‘nd tha beast?<br/>She nodded.<br/>- ‘t’s like tha movie. He’s a beast. But he’s changin’. He want to be good.<br/>- How d’ ya know?<br/>- He was tryin’. I can tell. If you would let ‘im out now… he wouln’ cause’ trouble.<br/>Carol seemed to be thinking about it. I continued.<br/>- And he’s sexy as hell. – I said, then we chuckled.<br/>- Ya’re attracted to bad boys. – she said.<br/>- ‘t’s not just that. – I sighed. – I love ‘im ‘cause he’s a good person. He’s just messed up by the apoclps… - I couldn’t pronounce the word apocalypse. Carol giggled then she suddenly became very serious.<br/>- But he killed our friends… He killed Abraham and Glenn… I know ya were friends with Abraham…<br/>I sighed. I don’t even want to think about it. I liked Abraham as a friend, he was hilarious, I laughed my ass off, every time he started to speak. Maybe we could have been friends, like I started to become friends with Eugene… But I’ll never know.<br/>- He’s changin’…  Negan… - I said after a little while. - Ya could rely on ‘im now. If ya asked ‘im… he would help with anythin’.<br/>I meant it, I really thought Negan was changing. He made a huge, enormous mistake, but he was still human. Carol seemed to be thinking about this. She nodded.<br/>I don’t remember what happened after this conversation. I woke up in the morning, on the couch. Carol was next to me still sleeping. We fell asleep sitting on the couch. I tried to stand up but had to sit back. I had a terrible headache. I slowly tried again and I went to the bathroom.<br/>I washed my face, then I went to the kitchen and drank a lot of water. I felt like I might throw up, but I didn’t. <br/>Someone knocked on the door.<br/>I opened it. I was blinded by the sunlight.<br/>His majesty, the King himself. Ezekiel.<br/>- Good morning, Quinn. – he said with a gentle smile. – I came to take my Queen home.<br/>- That’s your queen? – I stepped aside so Ezekiel could come in. I pointed at Carol who was asleep on the couch, sitting, her mouth open. We glanced at each other and burst into laughter.<br/>- I see you had a good time. – said Ezekiel, smiling.<br/>- Yeah, you could say that. – I said and took another sip of my plastic cup of water.<br/>Ezekiel stepped to Carol and took her in his arms. Carol woke up.<br/>- Wha’…?<br/>- Don’t worry, my queen, I’m just taking you home. – said Ezekiel gently. His smile was so cute and they looked at each other so adorably. <br/>- Don’t call me that… - said Carol, yawning. I felt like I shouldn’t be there. Carol sighed and leaned her head on Ezekiel’s shoulder, hugging his neck.<br/>- Goodbye, Quinn. – said Ezekiel and stepped through the door. I closed it after them. I felt embarrassed. They really love each other. I shouldn’t have pushed Carol with Daryl. But I was still sure she loves Daryl as well. <br/>Maybe one can be in love with two people after all? <br/>I drank the rest of my water.<br/>I tried to recall what happened at night. I was kind of remembering a conversation. I didn’t know.<br/>Whatever.<br/>I took milk and cereal to eat breakfast. That’s the only meal I can prepare myself nowadays.<br/>When I finished, I sat on my porch and enjoyed the sun.<br/>I let out a huge sigh.<br/>I closed my eyes.<br/>I saw Negan in flashbacks again. But it was all confusing. I saw him wearing leather jacket, when they brought him to Alexandria.<br/>I shook my head.<br/>I wasn’t sure… should I try to really get over him? <br/>Or should I try to go with my idea of sneaking into Alexandria?<br/>I had a headache, I couldn’t think.<br/>I tried to empty my head, for once.<br/>Just for this once.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author’s notes: Listen to “Last Hurrah” by Bebe Rexha. </p><p>Hey, you all! I couldn’t look over the fact, that the numbers are growing, I’m so grateful to You all, for spending your time reading something that I wrote! It really makes me happy!! I hope you are not getting bored of Quinn and Carol scenes! ❤ <br/>For the newcomers, I’d like to state, that I upload a new chapter every Thursday, so keep coming back and reading! Sometimes, I upload in the morning, sometimes in the evening, but there will always be a new chapter on Thursday. I don’t know how long I’m going to do this, but I have no intention of stopping just yet. 😊</p><p>How did you like Negan’s episode on the show? I really loved it! ❤ He is really the man that I imagined him to be, so I’m truly glad the show strengthened my picture of him, that I was right in my fanfiction! </p><p>I’ll catch up with the show’s story real soon and I can’t wait to write all the stuff from Quinn’s and Negan’s point of view! I don’t want to spoil anything, but I can assure you, Quinn and Negan will meet again! 😉 </p><p>So keep staying with me and leave a comment about anything, if you like my fanfic, if you don’t like something, you can write about the show as well, if you’d like to discuss it with someone! You can write basically anything to me! ❤</p><p>Much love ❤ Thank You for reading! ❤</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Negan's a mess, but he is trying to get himself together.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Negan, Alexandria<br/>

6 months later<br/>

Negan was lying on his bed, reading the book Gabriel brought him last time. Judith haven’t visited him since he scared her away with screaming and crying. He was completely alone. Only Gabriel visited once every week, but Negan didn’t give a shit about him.<br/>
It was a sunny afternoon, but in the cell, it was always dark.<br/>
- Hey. -  Negan heard a tiny voice at the window. He put away the book and sat up. He saw Judith crouching at the window.<br/>
- Judith… Hi. – he said, he couldn’t stop himself, he had to smile. This was the first time he smiled since Quinn “died”. Judith smiled at him too, unsurely.<br/>
- How are you? – she asked.<br/>
- I’m sad. I’m very sad. – Negan stood up and went to the window. – I am so sorry for scaring you. I was out of control.<br/>
- No problem, you didn’t scare me that much. – she said proudly.<br/>
- Of course, you are a fearless little warrior. – said Negan smiling again. – Actually, not that little anymore. Wow, you really grew a lot since I saw you. – said Negan, truly surprised. – Are you really Judith Grimes?<br/>
Of course, he was joking, he was so happy the little girl visited him again. Judith stood up and held up her head, to look even taller.<br/>
- I did grow a lot. – she said proudly. She glanced around, to see if anyone was there, because she shouldn’t have been talking to Negan. She glanced back at Negan, then turned around and sat on the stairs, so it won’t be obvious that she is visiting him.<br/>
She glanced over her shoulder at him.<br/>
- You miss Quinn so much? – she asked.<br/>
Negan suddenly became very serious, some kind of darkness fell on his face.<br/>
- I miss her more than anything… - he said quietly.<br/>
Judith glanced at him again.<br/>
- I miss her too.<br/>
Negan nodded his head.<br/>
- Judith? Where are you? – Michonne was looking for her. She was so cautious since Rick died, she didn’t like it when she couldn’t see Judith and R.J.<br/>
Judith stood up immediately. She looked at Negan.<br/>
- I hope you will be happy someday. – she said and hurried back into the house.<br/>
Negan smiled faintly. He sighed, then looked up at the sky. He put his hands in his pocket and leaned against the wall, then he leaned his head against the iron bars on the window.<br/>
…<br/>
One and a half year later<br/>
Negan was just sitting most of the time, not even looking at Gabriel. But Gabriel didn’t give up, he kept talking to him every week.<br/>
- You know, life is a little fragment of eternity. We should take care of ourselves and we should try to be useful, to make this world a better place.<br/>
- What’s the point? – Negan interrupted him for the second time since they started doing these sessions. The first time was when he told Gabriel to get out. Gabriel was shocked to hear him talk again.<br/>
- I want to give meaning to your life. – he replied.<br/>
- By talking bullshit? You can’t bring back Quinn, nor Lucille… It’s pointless.<br/>
- Well, I can’t, but you shouldn’t waste your life like this.<br/>
- I’m already wasted. Leave me alone. – grumbled Negan and turned his face to the other direction. Gabriel sighed and stood up.<br/>
- I will try again next week. – he said and left.<br/>
He was still surprised. This was the first time Negan really talked after two years. Gabriel considered this good, that he talked again, this is process, this is something. He might be better.<br/>
Negan was only feeling slightly better when he was talking to Judith. She started to visit again regularly. Of course, Gabriel didn’t know about it, not anyone, but she really helped Negan become human again.<br/>
One day, the little girl brought strangers to Alexandria and everyone made a huge fuss about it. Negan heard things at his window.<br/>
Then Judith sat on the stairs with a book in her hands. Negan looked curiously. She was trying to solve a math problem, but Negan told her it’s stupid, because she won’t see an airplane, probably ever. Judith asked him about the newcomers, so Negan told her how he used to bring home stray dogs, but once a bad dog killed the others. This pissed off Judith, so she left Negan.<br/>
He was smiling widely. “How easy and funny it was to piss her off.” He thought. “But Rick and Carl would be so proud of her.”<br/>
He dwelled on this thought. “How much she resembled Carl. She was just like him.”<br/>
Negan almost felt proud. He had nothing to do with Judith, but he loved her so much, like she was his own daughter and she was his only friend now. He felt happy when he could talk to Judith.<br/>
…<br/>
One week later<br/>
Negan was playing with the tennis ball, Judith gave him. Gabriel was sitting outside his cell and tried to talk sense into him, again.<br/>
Gabriel told him that he came down to help him when he had the breakdown and he wants to help him now, but Negan resisted. He teased him about Rosita and laughed at him, just to change the subject. He was almost like back to his old self, except when he was talking to Judith. It was a protective mechanism, he tried to be a bully, an alpha, to hide his own pain and weakness. He liked teasing Gabriel, this was his only fun nowadays and he usually teased him in cruel ways. But he was so different when he was talking to Judith. He teased her too, but not in a cruel way. He liked making fun of her, but she laughed too.<br/>
Eventually, he started to try to be nicer… maybe his life wasn’t that meaningless after all. Maybe he should do something for the community, so Judith could benefit from it. Rick wasn’t around anymore, so someone should protect the little girl.<br/>
…<br/>
Negan usually couldn’t sleep, or if he did, he had nightmares. He never saw Quinn with a knife in her hand, but he kept dreaming about it, how she cut her wrist. He suddenly wakes up every time, when her blood pours out. This happened that night again. He woke up, wiped his eyes, that was when he realised, he was crying, he had tears rolling down his cheek. He sat up on his bed, put his feet down on the ground and buried his face in his hands.<br/>
…<br/>
Rosita and Eugene went out to the radio station and Rosita got injured.<br/>
They got news from Hilltop where she was. Negan heard so many things by his window, but he missed this one. He was his usual self that day, mocking Gabriel about his eyes, but then Gabriel lost his temper and yelled at Negan to shut up. Negan knew immediately something was wrong, he became serious and asked about it.<br/>
- What happened? – asked Negan quietly, staring at his shoes like a little boy who knew he did something wrong. After a moment of silence, he looked at Gabriel. He started to sense that someone died, but then Gabriel answered him.<br/>
Gabriel told him that Rosita was at Hilltop and he couldn’t go to her, because he had to watch Negan. To get it through to Negan how much of a burden he was.<br/>
- I’m sorry man, I didn’t know. – said Negan quietly, apologizing for the first time.<br/>
- Don’t. – said Gabriel. He slammed the door behind himself and stormed out of the basement. Negan made a painful, regretful face.<br/>
“How can I be such an asshole? Guess I won’t ever change…” He thought and let out a sigh. If he would be in the same situation, he would definitely rush to Quinn. But Quinn was dead. He made a painful face again, then took some deep breaths.<br/>
He looked through the window. He hadn’t seen Judith since their maths problem. He wondered where she might be. “Dealing with the newcomers, I’m sure of it. Like the adults do.” He smiled at this thought. “Little Judith, growing up so fast. “<br/>
He calmed down a little, then he grabbed his tennis ball, sat down and started throwing it.<br/>
He felt a change in himself. Gabriel maybe had a point after all… Maybe he should really make himself useful. He just didn’t know how.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author’s notes: Listen to “Misery loves my company” by Three Days Grace. </p><p>Hey, you all!<br/>I’d just like to quickly explain what is happening here. I won’t write the scenes from the show as they were, so I won’t quote what the characters said, only a couple of words, because I don’t want to steal the show’s story. I will just indicate and summarise where we are in the story and I will concentrate on my own ideas. So, for example, I won’t write the whole dialogue between Negan and Judith that happened on the show, because I respect them and love the show, so even if it fits perfectly in my fanfiction, I won’t copy it word by word. I’ll just indicate where we are and go on with my own thing. I hope you can understand that. Also, everyone knows what happened on the show, so I guess I wouldn’t need to copy it anyway. The plot will be the same, only it’s from Quinn’s and Negan’s point of view. But the show’s dialogue’s will be omitted, as you could see in this chapter.</p><p>I’m sorry, if you feel like this one was a filler, but I caught up with the story, so there will be some action coming. 😊</p><p>Also, I wanted this chapter to be a little messy too, because Negan’s trying to get himself together. I hope you enjoyed it, anyway. 😊</p><p>Thank You for reading! ❤</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 24</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Carol and Henry set out for Hilltop and they're taking Quinn with them.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Author’s notes: Listen to “My immortal” by Evanescence before reading. ❤</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Quinn, Kingdom<br/>I was sitting on my porch, staring at my wrist. I put a finger on the scar and traced it along. It healed completely, as two years already passed, only a thin white line was visible. I didn’t even have a sense of time anymore. It was like it all happened yesterday. In front of Carol, I acted like I was alright. But I wasn’t. I think she saw right through me, but I didn’t care. <br/>I haven’t seen Negan for two years…<br/>We didn’t even talk about him since the night we got drunk with Carol. I think she thought we got over it.<br/>Daryl showed up from time to time and checked on me, to see how I was. I acted in front of him too. I was a good excuse for him to visit Carol too. The time period between his visits became longer and longer, though. At this point, we haven’t heard about him for a little more than a year. Carol tried to act like normal, but I could tell she was going mad from worrying.<br/>I also had nightmares since I was brought to the Kingdom. I wasn’t allowed to carry weapons. Carol was accompanying me everywhere. <br/>I didn’t want to die anymore. I’ve decided, I’m going to sneak into Alexandria, to see Negan.<br/>I knew, it was a bad idea… But I wanted to try. Except Carol followed me everywhere. I had no chance.<br/>One day, she told me Henry wanted to go to Hilltop to learn and she ordered me to come with them, because “change would do some good for me”. So, I was almost like forced to go with them. <br/>I was suddenly sitting in the back of the carriage and we left the Kingdom. I couldn’t decide whether I liked the idea or not. Change would do some good for sure, but I will be even further away from Negan. I didn’t even know whether he was still alive or not… I tried to shake this thought out of my head, when Henry distracted me, by asking Carol whether we are going the right way. I frowned my eyebrows. Carol told him we are not going to Hilltop just yet.<br/>- Then where are we going? – I asked impatiently.<br/>- Relax back there. – said Carol above her shoulder. I sighed.<br/>Suddenly we heard someone yelling, asking for help. Henry immediately took off, despite Carol told him not to go. I jumped off the carriage and followed them.<br/>We ran into a lot of people. It was a trap. Another lot of people appeared behind us too, we turned around quickly. Shit, I don’t have any weapon on me, I’m still not allowed…<br/>A man who seemed to be their leader greeted Carol. They knew each other? I never met this man before, I glanced at Carol questioningly.<br/>- What do you want? – she asked the man. <br/>- You know how it goes. – he smiled. – Your stuff.<br/>Carol went to the carriage and showed them what we had. The man apologised for this ambush, but he told us they are living like this since the Sanctuary fell. <br/>I felt like my heart dropped out of my chest. <br/>These were Negan’s people. Carol glanced at me, then turned to the man.<br/>She gave them everything we had, but the guy wanted something else too. Carol’s ring, which she got from Ezekiel and… he wanted me. He told us we can keep our lives, but he never said we can all leave.<br/>- People are resource, after all. – he said, spreading his arms apologetically. This was Negan’s idea… - We could use some help with the ambushes. – he continued.<br/>I couldn’t breathe for a moment. Henry’s face distorted into anger, he grabbed his stick and attacked the man.<br/>- Henry, don’t! – Carol yelled. Henry was kicked to the ground, people suddenly surrounded us. Carol jumped on Henry to defend him. – Take it. – she said through gritted teeth and handed over her ring. – Take it! It’s yours! – she yelled, then continued in a calmer way. - But she is staying with us. She is my sister, please. – she lied with fake tears in her eyes. I was amazed by how much Carol could act, especially in dangerous situations like this.<br/>- No, she is staying with us. – he said. It didn’t work. Two people came to me and grabbed my arms, tied them behind my back.<br/>Their leader told us it was a pleasure doing business with us, then he touched Carol’s hair and complimented it, but Carol pushed him away irritatedly. They took me to the building.<br/>- Carol! – I yelled at her. She looked at me steadily and nodded slightly. I was scared, but it was a little relief to see her nod. Carol will come for me. <br/>But how can I get back to Negan, if his own men will hold me captive? I tried to shake them off, but they grabbed my arms stronger. <br/>- Well, well, well… what do we have here? – asked the man smiling.<br/>- Let me go! – I yelled at him.<br/>- Oooh relax. – he said. – I’m gonna deal with you later. Take her away. – he said. Maybe he wanted to sort something out first, so Carol will have time to save me.<br/>It started to get dark, and I started to worry even more. I tried to free my hands, but I couldn’t. Now everything came back to my head, because he mentioned the Sanctuary… <br/>I didn’t participate in the fights myself, because I thought I was useless. I helped the others at home to get weapons and I tried to help out at the infirmary. I didn’t even see Negan until they brought him to Alexandria, defeated. These were his men. These were his ways… He dealt with things in this manner.<br/>He was the devil.<br/>I closed my eyes tightly for several minutes. I was so angry at Negan. How could he be like these people? I was sure he was changing when I got to know him. Does it matter now? I sighed. There wasn’t a day passing by without me thinking of him, but we didn’t talk about him, Carol tried as hard as she could to avoid the topic. Then these people show up, talking about the Sanctuary. I felt like a switch has been turned on inside me. Like I woke up from a dream. Negan. I had to get back to him. Whatever it takes. I waited long enough.<br/>The moon was already out, the sky darker and darker. I started to really panic. Where is Carol? She wouldn’t leave me here, I was sure of it. People around me started to go to sleep. What the hell? It was like they forgot about me. But then the man came back, their leader.<br/>- Well, I’m sorry babe, but I’m too tired, so I will deal with you tomorrow. How about that? – he said smiling and kissed my cheek. I turned away my face as much as I could. He left me, giggling. I was so disgusted, I tried to wipe my cheek with my shoulder.<br/>I was lucky, I got until tomorrow, at least. I was scared he would rape me or something. Well, that was definitely his intention, but thank god Henry kicked him over, maybe he was injured or something. I hope Henry managed to kick him in the balls.<br/>I couldn’t stop thinking about Negan. How could he lead these people, how could he be like them? How could he be so ruthless? He is a monster, after all. Everyone was right about tearing me away from him. I understood their point. But he was changing, I’m sure that he became a better person. <br/>I couldn’t shake him out of my mind… his eyes, his smile… How he helped me, when I had that panic attack… These jerks would be surprised how kind he could be.<br/>Suddenly, I saw very bright light, I didn’t know what it was. Everything went up in flames, people were screaming. Carol ran to me and untied my hands. All happened in a minute.<br/>- What took so long? – I asked, ironically. She glanced at me, smiling. I saw her ring on her finger again. So, she got it back. She freed me and we walked back to the carriage, like nothing happened. <br/>But before we could reach it, she stopped, so Henry wouldn’t hear us.<br/>- I know you are thinking about him. – she turned to me. - Because they reminded you by talking about the Sanctuary.<br/>- If someone told you, you can’t see Ezekiel ever again, would you stop thinking about him? – I didn’t dare to mention Daryl, because we didn’t know what happened to him.<br/>- I know. But you know, you shouldn’t torture yourself like this. – she said seriously.<br/>- What do you suggest? – I asked.<br/>- You have to let him go.<br/>- I can’t. And I won’t. Let’s go now. – I said simply and headed to the carriage. Carol shook her head disapprovingly, then followed me.<br/>I couldn’t sleep that night either, but this time, because of the adrenaline. Next day, I heard Henry and Carol were talking, but I wasn’t paying attention at all. I was looking at the trees, thinking about him… I didn’t even see the Sanctuary, ever. <br/>This evening was a great wake up call for me. I was living in the safety of the Kingdom for two years, guarded by Carol. I had to be more aware and cautious of my surroundings. I had to practice my fighting skills again. I became weak. I will have to work out as soon as we get back to the Kingdom, after we took Henry to Hilltop.<br/>Suddenly we stopped. I looked what happened, I saw Daryl standing right in front of us. I felt relief and a slight anger at the same time. I was pretty irritated by Daryl since everything. I know, he saved my life, I thanked him, but he also participated in ruining it. And he made Carol cry, because he hooked up with someone in the forest. I was just trying to be distant. Of course, Carol was with Ezekiel, so Daryl had every right to live his own life, but he still irritated me. I was glad that he was alive, though.<br/>- Need a ride, stranger? – Carol asked him, smiling wildly. I could tell how happy and relieved she was, that we found him. So that was the point. She wanted to find Daryl, without being too obvious.<br/>Daryl smiled too and came to greet us.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author’s notes: Listen to “Die another day” by Madonna. Thank You for reading! ❤</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 25</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sitting in Daryl's camp all night.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Quinn, in the forest<br/>We left the carriage and greeted Daryl. Carol hugged him, Henry shook hands with him.<br/>- Hey, Quinn. – he said, nodded slightly.<br/>- Hey. – I said. I wasn’t angry anymore, but I couldn’t process yet that he saved my life, it was so surreal. I didn’t know how to think about him or how to act towards him.<br/>Daryl was carrying firewood, we followed him back to his camp. The area was full of traps, I had to watch my step. He had a camp out there and a dog.<br/>- Oh my god. – I said when I saw the dog. I love animals, so I couldn’t resist, I just had to pet it. He sniffed me curiously. Daryl made a surprised face.<br/>- He doesn’t like strangers. – he said in his growling voice.<br/>I didn’t pay attention to him, the dog was so cute I petted his head all over. Carol asked Daryl a couple of questions, but I wasn’t interested. They set off to the woods to check Daryl’s traps.<br/>- Are you staying? – Carol asked me.<br/>- Yep, I’m good. – I said, sitting down on a stump. Carol glanced at Henry.<br/>- Don’t let her go anywhere. – she said, Henry nodded. I rolled my eyes. At least the cute doggy stayed behind, sat next to me.<br/>- Aww, who is a good boy? – I asked him and petted his head again. Henry giggled he petted the dog too. This was the first time ever I was alone with Henry. He grew up so fast, he was like a little man already. I didn’t know what to say to him, the silence started to become awkward.<br/>- So… - he started, seems like he had something in mind. – You know, mom didn’t tell me anything particular but… I was just curious…<br/>- You are curious about how I almost died?<br/>- Yes. – he said. <br/>I felt uneasy talking about it.<br/>- Well… umm… - I didn’t know how to talk about it. – What do you want to know exactly?<br/>- I don’t know… Why did you think it was the best solution? – he asked finally.<br/>- I couldn’t think straight back then. You know… it was like your mind is not yours anymore, you can’t control your thoughts. And you can’t choose who you fall in love with…<br/>- I heard mom tell dad once that you… so you really? I mean… did you fell in love with… Negan? – he said Negan’s name like it was a disgusting insect’s name. <br/>- Yep. But shouldn’t you be guarding me and trying hard to avoid anything that could remind me of Negan? – I asked him jokingly, because Carol did exactly that. He got it and started to laugh.<br/>- Sorry, I’m just curious. <br/>- Don’t worry, but we really shouldn’t be talking about… Him.<br/>- I get it, sorry. Really. I was just too curious. <br/>- No problem. Come and pet this dog instead. – We smiled and petted the dog’s head. It didn’t seem to oppose it. Carol and Daryl were away for a couple hours. I loved Henry and Ezekiel, but… I couldn’t let go of the thought that Carol and Daryl should be together. They just understood each other perfectly. However, I couldn’t blame Carol for choosing Ezekiel… at least he was clean. I smiled to myself at this thought.<br/>- What are you smiling about? – asked Henry. “I’m just shipping your mom with someone else other than your dad”, I smiled even more at this thought.<br/>- Nothing. Just how stupid I am. – Maybe I should tell him about Daryl to make him laugh?<br/>- Why are you stupid?<br/>- I had a crush on Daryl, once.<br/>Henry made a disgusted face.<br/>- What? – he asked totally taken aback. I laughed at his reaction, worth it. – But he is so… strange and…<br/>- The word you are looking for is unhygienic. – I said giggling.<br/>We both laughed. Yeah, Daryl wasn’t famous for having baths in the middle of the woods in this cold. <br/>- You have a bad taste in men. – said Henry. I stared at him.<br/>- Really?! You don’t say? Why do you think my life is so miserable? – I said mockingly, joking.<br/>We both burst into laughter again.<br/>Suddenly the dog stood up and jogged away.<br/>- Noooo, doggy. – I said sadly. – He just left us.<br/>Carol and Daryl emerged from the trees.<br/>- We got a rabbit and a snake for dinner. – said Carol proudly. I still didn’t like killing animals to eat, I wish I had other options, but it was a must. I always helped out with cleaning the dishes instead of preparing the meal. I always left that part for Carol. We watched Daryl build a fire.<br/>Just as we were preparing for dinner, dog rushed to us with a… human foot in his mouth. He took it to Daryl. My mouth fell open. Carol frowned her eyebrows. Henry watched the scene questioningly. Finally, Carol asked about it, but Daryl didn’t give a real answer. He took the foot and throw it into the fire. Carol was pushing Daryl with some hints which I didn’t really understand but Henry got it immediately. He figured it out that we came here, so Carol would get Daryl to babysit him at Hilltop. Now I got it too. Maybe Carol wanted to keep Daryl somewhere she knew, so she wouldn’t have to worry about him again. Henry seemed a little offended, but Carol hushed him. I stood up to stretch my legs. While we waited for the meat to get ready, Carol took the chance to give Daryl a make-over. She cut his hair. When I would think I couldn’t ship them more. I smiled again to myself. How can Carol still be with Ezekiel?! They are so clearly meant for each other. Henry looked at them curiously too.<br/>This scene reminded me when I cut Negan’s hair and beard… I couldn’t stop the thought rushing into my head, I remembered how he stared at me with his brown eyes while I was cutting his beard… then I got distracted.<br/>Before the scene would get more awkward, Daryl announced the dinner is ready. I looked at the sky for a moment, it was changing colours. Then I turned around and went back to the campfire. Henry asked Daryl about the scar under his eye, but he didn’t answer. Now that he mentioned it, I looked more carefully and I saw it. He did have a scar, he didn’t have before. I frowned my eyebrows. Daryl started to call his dog, that’s when we found out he calls the dog dog.<br/>- That’s his name? Really? – I asked him. Henry rolled his eyes. He clearly thought Daryl was just a mad old man. I think he didn’t give name to the dog because that would make him attached to it and it would be more painful when he lost it. But he was already loving that dog, so it was pointless. We finished our meal quietly, Carol and Henry set up their tent to sleep in. I volunteered to keep watch. I didn’t want to sleep anyway.<br/>- Alright. – said Carol glancing at me suspiciously. I sighed.<br/>- You really think I could sneak away from Daryl? He can track anyone and anything. – I told her. She smiled at me and went into the tent. Henry followed her. I sat back to the campfire. Daryl sat next to me. We were sitting there in silence. Daryl was the only person whom you couldn’t feel awkward with when you didn’t talk to each other. He wasn’t a man of words, either, so I didn’t mind silence. I was really surprised when he started to talk to me.<br/>- How are ya? – he asked in his low, growling voice. I looked at him.<br/>- I’m... I’m alive. – I said, shrugged my shoulder.<br/>- Are ya still thinkin’ about him?<br/>- No. – I said as confidently as I could.<br/>- You’re lying. – he told me. Shit.<br/>- It’s hard not to think about him. – I said.<br/>- Ya should get something that would distract ya.<br/>- Like gardening and knitting or what? I can’t imagine not thinking about him.<br/>Daryl simply shook his head. His eyes stuck on my wrist. I could see him staring at my scar. I covered it with my other hand.<br/>- Don’t. – I said.<br/>- Sorry. – I knew he didn’t mean it for staring, he still blamed himself for what happened.<br/>- How many times should I tell you that you didn’t have anything to do with it? – I asked quietly.<br/>He didn’t reply. We continued sitting in silence. We heard rustling on our left, in the bush. We leapt to our feet and listened.<br/>- Daryl, I don’t have a weapon. – I told him in a suppressed voice, nervously. He put his finger on his lips to indicate to stay silent, while he grabbed his knife with his other hand. I looked around and grabbed a log from the ground. That could keep walkers at bay at least and Daryl can kill them. We slowly walked to the noise. It was a walker indeed. Daryl took it out easily. I lowered my log and sighed silently. Suddenly, we saw light, we rushed to it quickly. It was Henry, we scared him. There was another walker, Daryl put it out.<br/>- It’s okay, Henry, just a walker. – I whispered to him. He nodded.<br/>- Ya should go back to camp, to watch out for Carol. – he told me. I nodded and headed back. It wasn’t that dark and we weren’t so far, so I quickly got back to the camp. There wasn’t anything strange. I sat back on my stump and watched out in every direction. Suddenly I heard dog barking. No! I hope he is not getting caught by walkers. I thought, when Carol emerged from the tent.<br/>- Where is Henry? – she asked demandingly.<br/>- He’s with Daryl. - the barking sounded louder. Carol grabbed her bow and arrows.<br/>- Let’s go. – she ordered and I followed her in the direction of the sounds.<br/>When we finally got to see them, dog was in a trap and Daryl was lying on the ground between like eight walkers or so, I couldn’t count them.<br/>- Shoot! – I ordered Carol whispering. She was holding her arrow at aim, but didn’t shoot. - What are you waiting for?<br/>- He can do it alone. – she said, still holding the arrow on target. When a walker almost got Daryl, Henry saved him. Carol lowered her bow. I let out a sigh, I didn’t realise I was holding my breath. I glanced at Carol.<br/>- Making your son bond with his new father? – I asked her teasingly.<br/>- Shut up. – she said smiling, rolling her eyes. We headed back to the camp and waited for them to return. Not so long after us, they emerged from the trees, Henry limping.<br/>- I don’t even want to know. – said Carol. Henry looked innocently, he knew he shouldn’t wander alone at night. In a couple of minutes Carol and Henry climbed back into the tent. I was sitting by the campfire again with Daryl and dog. Dog finally got to eat his dinner, Daryl petted his head.<br/>I felt like I shouldn’t be there, with them. I should be on my way to Alexandria. I glanced at Daryl. There was no chance I could sneak away from him. And Carol would know immediately where to look for me. I had no chance.<br/>We kept sitting there, silently. I got lost in thought.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author’s notes: Listen to “I’m a mess” by Bebe Rexha. Interpret the lyrics as Daryl doesn’t love her, but she wants Negan’s love. ❤<br/>PS.: Also, I’m aware why dog’s name is dog, but Quinn doesn’t know about that. 😊</p><p>Thank You for reading! ❤</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. I fell in love with the devil - chapter 26</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Quinn and Daryl have a heart to heart by the camp.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Quinn, in the forest<br/>Carol fell asleep fast after our little incident during the night. Henry was in the tent too. I was sitting at the camp with Daryl, the fire was already out, but we could still see each other, due to the moonlight.<br/>My thoughts wandered, to Alexandria, to Negan, but then suddenly I was in reality again.<br/>I glanced at Daryl, that’s when I realised, he seemed so weary. It was my turn to ask:<br/>- Are you alright?<br/>He glanced at me, nodding. I insisted.<br/>- Are you sure? You didn’t get bit or anything, right?<br/>He looked me in the eyes.<br/>- I’m fine. – he said, growling. I felt like there was something more to it. I wonder what happened to his hook-up woman, Carol told me about, but I didn’t dare to ask. I didn’t think he would answer me anyway.<br/>I couldn’t stop the memory coming back to my head, when I confessed my feelings to Daryl back then. I felt so embarrassed around him since then. I don’t know what I was thinking. <br/>We didn’t talk anymore, we were sitting there silently for an hour. Daryl was like meditating or listening or I don’t know what he was doing, and I was occupied by my thoughts. <br/>He might have had a point that I should distract myself from Negan, but how? I already decided, I’m going to practice my fighting skills again, once I get back to the Kingdom. Maybe that will help with controlling my thoughts as well.<br/> - Ya know… - started Daryl out of nowhere, I looked at him surprised. I didn’t expect him to talk again. – I lost someone out here.<br/>I was literally shocked, that he talked to me again and that he told me this. He was staring at the ground, biting his lips.<br/>- I’m so sorry. I had no idea. You don’t have to tell me anything, if you don’t want to.<br/>- I know... The dog was hers. – he nodded towards dog.<br/>I nodded my head understandingly. Did he tell this to Carol while they were checking the traps? I bet he did. I was taken aback, that he told me. <br/>- Do you want… to talk about it? – I asked carefully. He was staring at the ground for a minute longer.<br/>- I dunno…  I dunno what happened. She disappeared. – he said, shook his head.<br/>- She left?<br/>- Or someone took her. I dunno… - he looked me in the eye for a moment, then back to the ground.<br/>I nodded. Suddenly I realised why dog keeps bringing him dead body parts. He was still looking for Rick, sure, but I think he was looking for that mysterious woman too.<br/>I put my hand on his shoulder, unsurely, but then he put his hand on my hand, so I squeezed his shoulder a little bit. It was a small gesture, but I knew he understood. He looked me in the eye again.<br/>- I still feel guilty about ya. – he said in his low voice. – I had no idea how much pain I caused, by sending you away... <br/>He thought he understood my pain, but it was completely different.<br/>- I didn’t lose you, because I never… had you. – I had to force out the last words, it was so embarrassing, I looked away and let go of his shoulder. I tried to change the subject. – The one I lost is… Negan.<br/>Daryl shook his head, disapprovingly, then he continued:<br/>- I did that too. I caused you pain twice. I know he’s an asshole… but now I understand, how you felt.<br/>- I still feel it… I still miss him. – I said quietly.<br/>- I miss her too…<br/>Why did Daryl tell me all this? He must have felt so lonely and miserable, if he opened up like this to me. Or maybe he really considered me as his friend? He must have been really desperate.<br/>- I’m sorry you had to go through this. – I told him. – But I’m glad you told me. <br/>He nodded again and petted dog’s head.<br/>- I’m a little confused though… I thought you… you had feelings for Carol. – I said cautiously. I didn’t want to push him, because he never really opened up to anyone like this, besides to Carol. He let out a sigh, he glanced back at the tent, then turned to me again. He nodded. He was adorable. I was right about him, he tried to move on, because Carol was married to Ezekiel.<br/>- Did you talk to Carol about… her? <br/>– Kinda.<br/>I felt his pain.<br/>- You don’t have to talk about her, if you don’t want to. But you should talk with Carol…<br/>He shook his head again. <br/>– She wouldn’t…<br/>Henry emerged from the tent and headed towards us. I didn’t know what Daryl wanted to say, he fell silent when Henry came out. Maybe he wanted to say that Carol wouldn’t understand? Or that she wouldn’t want to know, because she had feelings for Daryl? Was Daryl aware how Carol felt about him? I had so many questions. I let out a slow sigh, it wasn’t my business, I shouldn’t get involved. Carol and Daryl will sort it out. Or not, like they didn’t for years…<br/>Henry couldn’t sleep because of the adrenaline. Daryl revived the fire for him. There were some books lying around, Henry grabbed one and started to read.<br/>- I wanted to ask, are you reading those books or using them as fire starters? – I asked Daryl, mockingly. I saw a very thin, slight, half smile. He went to his stuff and changed his shirt, because the other one was covered in mud and dead blood. A couple of years ago I would have fainted from this sight, seeing Daryl Dixon shirtless, but now it didn’t have any effect on me. It was a strange feeling. I quickly glanced back at the fire, but Henry noticed me watching Daryl, and started to smile widely.<br/>- Hey. – I said, but I was smiling too. Henry continued reading. Daryl gave Henry something to apply on his ankle, then told us that dog lets him know if there are walkers in the traps. I felt like I shouldn’t be there, I didn’t want to interrupt this “father and son” bonding, so I got up and walked away.<br/>- Where are ya goin’? – Daryl asked immediately.<br/>- Going to pee? – I told him, but I saw in his eyes he wasn’t convinced. I went into the woods, but I wasn’t going to pee. I just wanted to take a breath. There weren’t any noises that would indicate walkers nearby. <br/>I looked up, to see the moon. I know it’s cliché, but I just thought, maybe Negan is watching the moon too, right now. I closed my eyes. I could see him grabbing my hands, when I had the panic attack on that stormy night. I could hear his voice inside my head. “Look at me! Everything’s gonna be alright.“<br/>I felt his chest, when he hugged me tight. I folded my arms in front of me.<br/>Random images like that suddenly rushed into my head sometimes. I stopped and looked up at the sky again, to see the stars. I wish I could see Negan again. Just for a minute.<br/>I let out a sigh. I got my thoughts back to reality. <br/>I should head back before Daryl comes looking for me.<br/>I’ve never imagined he would tell me something so personal. It felt like I was splashed with a bucket of ice-cold water. I was surprised pretty much, but when I saw the pain in his eyes, I forgot about everything I thought about him.  It was so confusing. I didn’t forget that he made Carol cry and he ruined my relationship with Negan, though, but I felt like he became important to me again. Not romantically, but I didn’t want to see him down like this. Especially when I knew exactly how he was feeling. I wanted to be his friend. He couldn’t count on Carol as a friend anymore, since they felt more for each other and it all became complicated because of Ezekiel and that mysterious woman. Maybe Daryl wanted to be my friend too. We’ve been through so many things together since the prison fell. I should get over what happened, the incident of me having a crush on him. It is in the past, so it should remain in the past. I had to be there for Daryl. He was desperately in need of a friend. I wanted to be there for him. After all, he saved my life.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Author’s notes: Listen to “I’m here for you” by Lady Bri. Thank You for reading! ❤</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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